I’ve written (Lightning Strikes) about going through IVf. There were many parts of the story I didn’t tell. One is that as we went through the steps to try to ascertain what the issue actually was, we had decided something early on. If, in the end, the only way for me to get pregnant was IVF then we were done. It's difficult physically and emotionally. It is extremely expensive and not covered by insurance (Insurance Anyone), and the chances of pregnancy were really low, 15% at that time. After going through so much, that was in fact our only option. No matter how well thought-out our previous decision, when we hit that boundary, we pushed it aside. It’s amazing how easily we ignored all our forethought and just kept right on going.
I think that the reason we tend to redefine boundaries is because the circumstances that lead us to that point are so fluid. When we decided not to do IVF there were still so many roads not yet explored, options we still thought were open. We made a decision not knowing how we would truly feel if that was our only choice. We didn’t realize that this experience was not a road. It was waves.
So many times over the years, I’ve tried to come to terms with the difference between redefining boundaries, pushing limits, and crossing lines. How far do we go to accomplish our goals?
When my son was a baby, he had a stuffed animal called Lambie. When we traveled Lambie went with us. When he had surgery, Lambie went in with him and came out with a hospital bracelet too. One time, when we were coming back from Marco Island, Lambie got lost at the airport. I was panicked. I retraced all of our steps, asked vendors, employees, gate agents. No Lambie. I had to call Mom on Marco (which was fortunately where Lambie was born). She bought another Lambie and next-day-aired him to me. I loaned Lambie-The-Second the bracelet that had been given to me during that surgery, and told some kind of story about Lambie getting a wash at the airport. How far did I go to deceive my kid? How many boundaries does that push? And who could blame me?
When you’re a young adult, there are all kinds of lines that you suddenly realize you could cross. Your freedom to brainpower ratio is, shall we say, not well balanced. In fact, the older I get the worse my memory gets, yet I am unfortunate enough to remember exactly what I was like when I was a teenager. It’s a time for pushing limits and redefining boundaries. But it’s important that you know that whether you can or not, there are lines that you just don’t cross.
Right now circumstances have me living in a box. They are not really my circumstances, but they’ve got me in a box anyway. That box is getting smaller and smaller, crowding me in. I’m trying so hard to push the limits. I’m trying so hard to redefine the boundaries. And although I’ve been told that before this is over I’ll have done a lot of things I don’t want to do, I’m trying so hard not to cross MY line.
1 pkg jello, any flavor (my kids liked the blue)
1/2 cup water
12 large marshmallows
*Grease an 8 X 11 glass dish.
*Place water in medium size bowl and microwave for 1 minute.
*Stir in jello until completely dissolved. If not, return to microwave for 30 seconds and stir again.
*Add marshmallows and microwave for 1 minute. Stir until they are dissolved. Pour into dish.
*Refrigerate until firm, approx. 1 hour.
*Roll up using longer end. Wrap in saran and refrigerate for about 30 minutes.
*Cut into individual pieces (cuts best using dental floss).
*Store in fridge.