Bee Afraid, Bee Very Afraid

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm one of those people who sees a spider in the house and wants to pack my bags and move away. But spiders? Pshaw. Who has time for spiders? I've had my life turned upside down by steroid fueled bees. Hornets, to be exact (or so I'm told).

It started innocently, as these things tend to do. I have a few flower pots on my front entryway. I plant them in May and they look something like this:

The flowers grow and spread through the season. See the one right by the front door? This is how it starts to look by the end of June:

And it's that planter that had me a bit confused the first week of July. I went outside to water my plants and on the ground behind that pot was a pile of potting soil. Sadly, inside I could see some of the flowers had been disrupted. Wondering what did that, but not overly concerned, I replaced the soil, patted it down and watered the plant.

The following day we had a plumber come to fix a faucet in the house. When he was done I was walking him out and there, behind that same pot, was a pile of potting soil. I stuck my hand into the pot and found that many of my flowers had been dug up, broken off at the roots. Heartbroken, I was pushing down the soil when the plumber spoke up.

Plumber: "I would get your hand out of there and move away if I were you."
Me: "My poor flowers, I need to try to save them."
Plumber: "That could be dangerous for you."
Me (mildly concerned): "Why?"
Plumber: "That looks like it was done by ground hornets."
Me: "Ground hornets? Is that some kind of rodent?"
Plumber: "No, that's a kind of bee."
Me (with a little more alarm): "Bee?"
Plumber: "Yes, and they're huge."
Me (incredulous): "Huge? Bees?" 
Plumber: "Yes, hornets. They build their nests under dirt."
Me (stunned): "In my flower pot?"
Plumber: "Any dirt. And they swarm."
Me (in a full state of shock now, and barely coherent): "Swarm? Huge? Bees?"
Plumber (who, I guess, thought I hadn't had enough): Unlike many bees they don't just sting once, they can continue to sting."

I actually wrote recently about being committed to living a stinger-free life so I didn't hear what else the plumber may or may not have added. On overload, I'd run into the house. Shut the door. And locked it. Just in case.

Google. I need to google this. 

Holy crap this is a real thing. Ground hornets. Huge. Yikes. It says to keep an eye on the area where you think the nest is, you can see them come and go during the day. Don't approach them though, except for late at night when you can . . .

Doesn't matter what "you" can do, I'm not doing it. In fact, I'm never going out my front door again. 

Kitchen. I need to make something. Stop shaking, calm my nerves. Think about something else. A new recipe. Something sweet. Preferably nothing using honey.

White Chocolate Cranraisin Popcorn

OK, a plan. Call out the National Guard. If ever a state of emergency existed, this is it. First I'll watch the pot through my glass front door, maybe get some pictures. I tried, I really did. But that glass door did not seem safe enough. I need one of those head to toe bee keepers things. Believe it or not I don't have one. I'll have to improvise.

Just as I was getting myself appropriately outfitted for the attack of the giant hornets in whatever I was able to scrounge up around the house, the doorbell rang. 

Oh, hell no. Even with my makeshift bee protection outfit I was not going there. 

I silently parted the curtain covering the glass panel beside the door and looked out. Lacy, a friend, stood there. Call me a bad friend, but I saw those google pictures and I am not opening that glass door to let anyone in. Nope. Never. May have it nailed shut and boarded over.

Me: "Go away."
Lacy: "What?"
Me: "Go away."
Lacy: "Are you not feeling well? Can I get you something?" 
I opened the wooden door just a bit and looked at my friend: "Get away from the door. Run for your life. GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR." 

Lacy took one look at me, took out her cell phone, took a picture and was running to her car as I slammed the door. Even with the door shut I could hear her screech out of the driveway. In fact, I think half of the rubber from her tires are still there. That's OK, she'll thank me later. I saved her from a fate worse than . . .  well, pretty much anything.

A short time later I sat in the kitchen, still in my (semi) safe attire and now holding the boys' toy bow and arrow I'd found in the storage room, when it dawned on me that I'd better check FB. Chances are the rumor mill is in full swing, working overtime. It's possible my friends have crashed the site by now.

And that's when I found it. The link to a "Go Fund Me" page. With my name on it. And oh damn, can that be the picture Lacy took? 

Yeah, this can't be good.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the woods behind our house, there's a possum or a raccoon or maybe even a squirrel telling his friends "don't bother with that flower pot, nothing to eat in there."

And somewhere else, not far away, sitting in his yard by his fire pit with a beer in his hand, laughing his butt crack off is a plumber, telling his friends: "I sure did punk that lady. Giant hornets living in her flowers, ha ha ha ha, how gullible can you beeeee?"

White Chocolate Cranraisin Popcorn

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Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

3 cups cooked, lightly salted popcorn
1 TBSP butter, melted
1/2 cup white chocolate chips
1/4 tsp apple pie seasoning mix
1/4 cup cranraisins

Directions:
*Place the popcorn in a bowl. Toss with the melted butter.
*In a microwave safe dish, melt the white chocolate chips for 15 seconds at power level 7, stir, and continue to microwave and stir until completely melted.
*Mix the apple pie seasoning into the white chocolate, drizzle over the popcorn and fold gently until the white chocolate is distributed evenly over the popcorn.
*Last, fold in the cranraisins.