Stubble, Rubble, Boil and Bubble

I suck at poems. It's my fault, I jinxed myself in this genre on my very first attempt way back in October of 2012. I wrote what I thought was a humorous piece about my son visiting a jail as a part of a Law Studies class field trip. Somehow the end result was a whole lot of sympathy from friends on the devastating news that my son had been incarcerated.

So yeah, that went over as well as a windstorm in a tornado.

Last year I ended my Halloween blog posts with another poem called Twas the Night of Halloween. I won't necessarily claim that it was successful but at least it didn't garner a plethora of sympathy messages. That's a step forward, right?

 Since Halloween posts appear to bring out the stubborn idiot inner poet in me, I'm giving it another try today. This time I'm dragging a bunch of friends along to counterbalance my poetry suckery. You'll find links to their poems at the end of my post. Yes, first I want you to suffer through mine.

Thanks Robin of Someone Else's Genius for this graphic 

Now I may be obstinate, but at least I learn from my mistakes. You see, my first poem based on nothing but what was in my head was an unmitigated disaster. But plagiarism starting with someone else's idea, now that's a strategy. I need to be careful because, you know, getting my ass sued off isn't on my bucket list. So last year's Twas the Night of Halloween was based on the work of a poet, Clement Clarke Moore, who died in 1863. Today's poem has its origins in a piece by another famous author, this one died in 1616. I figure if he comes after me now I have more problems than basing a blog post on his work.

So I'll set the scene, much as Shakespeare did:

A dark night, in the middle of a landscaped yard, on a well manicured lawn, a caldron, boiling. Standing over it, a crazed mom woman dressed stylishly in black. She is chanting:

 Witch's Caldron Giant Cookie

Double, double, toil and trouble,
fire burn and caldron bubble.
Add a bit of teenage stubble.
From upon their floor, rubble.

No eye of newt or toe of frog,
no drop of sweat, they do not jog,
but from inside their bedroom bog
I'll find ingredients for this grog.


A touch of all the things they waste,
From bathroom sinks, blobs of toothpaste.
A wrapper that they drop in haste,
and food on dishes turned to paste. 

Stinky laundry rarely done,
sheets never exposed to sun.
Odors more dangerous than a gun
have them thinking they have won.


I'll teach those boys to stay out late,
lie about the snacks they ate,
do nothing asked without debate.
Their attitude has sealed their fate. 

Bubble and boil,
wisp and coil.
Tonight's spell roil
they cannot foil.

Double, double, toil and trouble,
fire burn and caldron bubble.
Soon there will be no rebuttal.
A bwitch's spell you cannot scuttle. 

Stir together crud and mud,
perhaps a Poison Ivy bud.
Cool it with a baboon's blood,
then pray this spell is not a dud. 

They can't hide, they cannot run.
Wherever they are, this spell will stun.
Just this once they've lost, I've won.
. . . I may be having too much fun.


Just in case my poem does happen to anger a certain long dead Bard, (well, it is Halloween after all, ghost are hardly out of the question), I just want to say for the record {{wink, wink}} that this poem was not based on someone else's work, it was totally inspired by a giant cookie. 

You got my back on this, right? 

For more Halloween fun, click on the links below to read poems by bloggers who actually have talent:

A (Parenting) Halloween Poem by Lydia of Cluttered Genius

Ode to Candy Tax by Sarah of The Momisodes

Ghost, Goblins and Dessert, OH MY by Dawn of Spatulas on Parade 

It Could Happen - A Poem by Robin of Someone Else's Genius 
Of Springboks and Ghouls by Tamara of Confessions of a part-time working mom
Nothing To Fear Here by Sarah of People Don't Eat Enough Fudge
Witches & Vampires by Candice of Measurements of Merriment
Spooktacular Poetry by Jules of The Bergham Chronicles 
The Maddening Mask by Jenn of Sparkly Poetic Weirdo
Cursed By The Devil's Kiss by Steena of The Angrivated Mom  

Happy Haunting.
And BOILER UP!                     

 

 

 

Witch's Caldron Giant Cookie

                                                                        ©www.BakingInATornado.com
 
Printable Recipe
 
Ingredients:
1 stick butter, softened
1 stick margarine, softened
3/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
2 1/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt

1 1/2 sticks butter, softened
3/4 tsp vanilla extract
3 cups powdered sugar
3 - 4 TBSP milk


1/2 stick butter, softened
1/2 cup semi sweet or dark chocolate chips
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 1/2  cups powdered sugar
1 TBSP heavy cream
1 - 3 TBSP milk

red food coloring
yellow food coloring
green food coloring
edible black piping gel
5 almond slices

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease a pizza pan (without holes in the bottom).
*Cream 1 stick each of butter and margarine and white and brown sugars. Beat in eggs and 1 tsp vanilla.
*Mix in flour, baking soda and salt.
*Pat out onto pizza pan until the thickness is fairly even.
*Bake for about 15 minutes, till it's lightly browned.
*Remove from oven and cool completely.
*Using the black piping gel, outline a large caldron shape on your cookie.
*White Frosting: Cream 1/2 stick butter with 3/4 tsp vanilla. Carefully blend in 3 cups powdered sugar. 1 TBSP at a time, add in as much of the milk as you need to bring the frosting to an easily spreadable consistency.
*Place 1/4 cup of the white frosting in a baggie, snip the corner and pipe a bone shape onto your cauldron.
*Place 1/4 cup frosting in a bowl and tint it light orange using food coloring. Divide the rest of the white frosting into 3 bowls, tint one green, one red, one yellow. Place all 4 in plastic baggies and snip the corners.
*Chocolate Frosting: Melt the remaining butter and the chocolate chips in the microwave until smooth, mix in the vanilla.
*Carefully mix in the remaining powdered sugar. You don't need it to be completely incorporated, just enough so it won't fly out when you beat the mixture.
*Beat in the heavy cream, then the milk 1 TBSP at a time to get a good spreadable consistency.
*Frost the caldron shape with chocolate frosting. Be very careful as you work your way around the bone. I find it's easiest to work with the chocolate frosting with my fingers.
*Using the red and yellow frosting, make large triangles up from the bottom of the caldron. Spread carefully with a knife to resemble fire.
*Using the green frosting, pipe swirls on top of the caldron and a little down the sides. 
*Using the orange frosting, pipe different sized ovals over the rim of the caldron to resemble fingers. Use the almond slices as fingernails.