Up a Tree: Funny Friday

Today’s post is this month’s Funny Friday, a regular feature published on the last Friday of every month. Funny Friday is a collaborative project. Each month one of the participants submits a picture, then we all write 5 captions or thoughts inspired by that month’s picture. Links to the other bloggers’ posts are below, click on them and see what they’ve come up with. I hope we bring a smile to your face as you start your weekend.

Here's today's picture was submitted by Me!

1. Mom (to her young child): Hey, look at that.
Child: Where's the basket with Toto?

2. Teenager (on the phone): Hello, fire department? I know you help people get cats out of trees . . .
Firefighter: Yes, we'll help, is your cat stuck in a tree?
Teenager: Well, here's the thing, how do you feel about bicycles?

Same teenager, a few minutes later, again on the phone: Hi, mom. I might be a little late for dinner, I have a bit of a situation. And the firefighters won't help.

3. Young man: You're walking today. You don't usually walk. Where's your bike?
Friend: Up a tree. Without a paddle.

4. Tree: OUCH!
Bicycle: Hey, listen, this isn't exactly comfortable for me either.

5. Looks like ET didn't exactly make it home . . .

And now for something yummy, a side dish today. I use fat free and lower fat cheeses in this recipe, but you can use whatever cheeses you choose: 

Broccoli Cheese Casserole

Click on the link below for more smiles: 
Southern Belle Charm 

Broccoli Cheese Casserole

                                                         ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

NOTE: I use fat free and lower fat cheeses in this recipe, but you can certainly use the full fat versions.

Ingredients:
2 cups steamed, cooled broccoli
3 eggs
1 cup milk
1 cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp mustard powder
dash of cayenne 
1/4 cup grated parmesan
1/4 cup low fat mozzarella
1/2 cup fat free shredded cheddar
1/2 cup low fat shredded cheddar
3/4 tsp paprika 
1/4 cup sliced almonds

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease an 8 X 11 baking pan.
*Chop the broccoli and set aside.
*Whisk the eggs and milk together, then whisk in the flour, baking powder, salt, mustard powder and cayenne.
*Mix in the parmesan, mozzarella, and both cheddar cheeses along with the broccoli.
*Pour evenly into the prepared pan. Sprinkle with the paprika and crush the sliced almonds over the top.
*Bake for 25 to 35 minutes, it will be completely set and starting to brown around the edges.
*Allow to cool for 10 minutes before slicing.
 

Multiplication and Long Division

It all comes down to math.

I didn't really set out to talk about math today, my point is about life. But it starts with math. For those of you who've been reading me for a while, you know that no one can make a short story long like I can. But if you stick with me, it'll end with life. And math. You see although I suck at parallelograms (love algebra, hate geometry), I'm pretty good with parallels.

  

If I could remember his name I'd thank my high school algebra teacher for solidifying my love of math, but another number (my age) precludes me from pulling that name out of the cobwebs over in that particular section of my mind. Yeah, those who knew me when know that lapse in memory isn't all to my current age, but we're not going there today. {{sigh}}.

I know I'm showing my age once again when I say that I used to be able to help my kids with their math homework, mostly because that's before they came up with this "new math" concept. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah, I know, only old folks complain about newfangled concepts. I promise not to start talking about about walking 7 miles uphill in the winter snow to a one room schoolhouse (I didn't, btw) BUT I will admit that I don't understand this whole Common Core new math thing. New math? Really? Math is math, as old as Methuselah (which I am not). I've heard of "dumbing it down" but whose idea was it to take simple concepts like multiplication and division and "complicating it up" (yeah, that's a new expression, feel free to use it)?

There are those who feel that math principles are, for the most part, not necessary learning. We've not only moved on to the age of calculators, but moved past needing to have one, they're in our laptops and tablets and phones. But understanding math concepts are the basis of everything. Innovations, medical breakthroughs and treatments, the environment, our budgets, all have a solid base in math.

Yes, even cooking and baking (come on, you knew I was gonna go there).

Pound Cake Imposter

Here's the life part I promised:

Our politics as well. Numbers, statistics, the census and representation (or the lack thereof), analysis, projections. It's rooted in politics, this most important math lesson that I've come to learn. Not just me, unless you've been living under a rock (and I mean really, really, deeply under that rock), we all have figured out that our entire future boils down to a basic societal equation. Over the past 4 years we've been dividing and conquering, subtracting friends, adding alliances, calculating loss vs gain, in most all of our thoughts and actions.

I won't complicate it up, nor dumb it down. Mr. What's-his-name didn't teach it in a classroom and we won't get to the solution with a calculator or a cell phone. It doesn't require us breaking off into team old school math or team Common Core. The multipliers and divisors in this problem have dire consequences and it all comes down to this basic calculation of risks vs rewards: 

If we don't find a way, all of us, to multiply our common goals, this long division will be permanent.

Pound Cake Imposter        

                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
1/2 cup canola oil
1/3 cup butter substitute, softened
1/4 cup low fat vanilla Greek yogurt
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
1 tsp lemon extract
1/2 tsp almond extract
1 TBSP apple cider vinegar
2 TBSP lemon juice
1 3/4 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a loaf pan.
*Cream the oil, butter substitute, yogurt and sugar until smooth. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, then the vanilla, lemon extract, almond extract, apple cider vinegar and lemon juice. Last, mix in the flour, baking soda and salt.
*Pour the batter into the prepared pan. Bake for 40 - 45 minutes, or until the center springs back to the touch.
*Cool in pan for 10 minutes before running a knife around the edge and removing. Cool completely before slicing.

Walking the Glass and Cutting the Cheese: Fly on the Wall

Welcome to a monthly Fly on the Wall group post. Today 3 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my house. At the end of my post you’ll find links to this month’s other participants’ posts.

College Boy has been working two part time jobs. In the past it had worked out well, but one of the companies closed during the pandemic. While they were closed, he was offered another part time job at a higher pay and he took it. This one needed more hours from him, but since the first job was giving him sporadic hours and College Boy really liked the new job (and the pay), he kept a more difficult schedule. 

One day he worked, between the two jobs, 10:00 am to 10:30 pm. The next morning his first job, which normally started at 10:00 am, needed him to come in at 7:00 am. He worked that day until 3:30 pm and between the two days was exhausted. After dinner he announced that he was going to sleep and went up to bed. I expected him to be completely out until the next morning, but an hour later he came down to the kitchen and grabbed a cup of water.

Me: Well that was a quick sleep.
College Boy (heading back up the stairs): There's plenty more sleeping to be done.

Turns out, there was.

Hubs comes into the kitchen:
Hubs (sniffing): Is something burning?
Me: No.
Hubs: Smells like it.
Me: I don't know why.

A few minutes later College Boy comes in the kitchen.

College Boy (sniffing): What did you burn?
Me: Nothing.
College Boy: Then what smells like it's burning?
Me: I don't smell anything.

So . . . I took something out of the toaster oven with a napkin in my hand. The napkin touched the hot element and caught fire. And if you tell either one of them, I fully intend to deny, deny, deny.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. That's how I was raised. Didn't always listen, of course, but Mom tried.

I've talked about blog comments before. I love them (in case you were unclear about where I stand). Except when I don't. 

Last month I posted a recipe, and this was the comment left for me:

"I read the title and thought yuck, so I read the post and thought yuck, I'm not eating that . . . sorry."

Sometimes you just gotta laugh. Or cry. One or the other.

Hubs and I were in the den watching movie. When a commercial came on, I headed for the kitchen to do some of the dinner prep.

Hubs: Where are you going?
Me: Into the other room, I just have to cut the cheese.
Hubs: Thanks for the warning, I'll go watch the rest of the movie downstairs.

From the "you can't please all of the people all of the time" files:

College Boy likes the desserts I make that have candy added to the recipe. Hubs does not. Hubs like desserts that I make that have fruit added to the recipe. College Boy does not.

I was in the kitchen after dinner one night while Hubs was scrounging for something sweet.

Hubs: I know we don't have any more Pineapple Raspberry Sheet Cake, I ate the last piece last night.
Me: We do have more of those Apple Bourbon Mini Muffins and Toffee Pecan Nectarine Bars.
Hubs: Oh good. 
Me: I'm going to try out a new recipe this week too.
Hubs: Chocolate?
Me: You can't have chocolate. Blueberry Confetti Bars, how does that sound?
College Boy (sticking his head out of the pantry): Sounds like another fruit dessert.
Me: But they're going to have jimmies in them.
College Boy: That's a start. Replace the blueberries with your mini baking M&Ms and you've got something.
Me: Hey, you want to take over the baking?
College Boy: No, but what's the budget for a creative consultant . . .
Me: Well, I could pay you in baked goods. With fruit.

Blueberry Confetti Bars

I've mentioned that I text or PM with PurDude every day since we all became aware of coronavirus. Nothing lengthy unless either of us has something going on, just a check in, telling each other how we're feeling that day. Boulder was a hot spot so I really needed to hear from him daily. As time went on, I became more and more miserable that he was sitting alone in his condo and, as long as he wasn't working, I wanted him to have been here with us. So I often told him how much I miss him.

One of our check ins:

Me: Hi honey, how are you doing today?
PurDude: Hi ma, I'm good, how are you?
Me: IDK, I kinda miss my boy.
PurDude: That can't be right. 
Me: No? Wait. Let me check, I'll google it.
    OK, it's confirmed. Google says I miss my boy.
PurDude: Well, if google says so.
Me: I love you. Do you need me to check for confirmation on this too, or are you good with it?
PurDude: You should probably check, just to be sure.
    

I was in bed at about 11:00 pm, the glass I keep on my bedside table was empty and I was thirsty. As I often do when I don't feel like going downstairs to fill it, I spent a while trying to talk myself into not being thirsty. It didn't work.

I grabbed my glass, went downstairs, decided that while I was up I had to go to the bathroom, after which I grabbed my glass and came back upstairs.

College Boy comes out of his room as I'm walking into mine.

College Boy: Did you just go downstairs to get a drink?
Me: I did. 
College Boy: Your glass is empty.
Me: Damn. I forgot to fill it.
College Boy: So basically you just took your glass for a walk.
Me: Pretty much.

Me: I'm changing my name.
Hubs: What? Why?
Me: I'm so sick of being bullied.
Hubs: Bullied? By who?
Me: Everyone.
College Boy: Like everyone on the planet?
Me: Pretty much. Have you seen all of those Karen memes? Well that's not me. I'm not any of those things.
Hubs: I saw one today about Karen demanding to see the supervisor.
College Boy: Well mom, that one's definitely you.

OK, so they got me on one. Just one, though. 

Hubs walks into the kitchen, looks at the counter, looks at me, looks at the counter again.

Hubs: Are you angry with your spices?
Me: What? Angry with my spices? What are you talking about?
Hubs: Well, you seem to be calling them names.
Me: Calling them names?
Hubs (pointing): Like that one . . .

Yeah, so I'd made some of my Jamaican Jerk Seasoning Blend, cleaned out an old spice jar, ripped off the old label and labeled the Jerk Seasoning to put into the spice rack.

One (of many) things I've learned about life since the coronavirus is that there's always the possibility that what's around the next corner could actually make things worse.

I've talked about Boulder being a hot spot for the coronavirus and my encouraging PurDude to go outside for walks. He lives right across the street from a beautiful park. But then there were multiple mountain lion sightings in Boulder and I started telling him to stay out of the park. {{sigh}}.

That's it, right? Nope, not a chance. Suddenly I start seeing articles online about the plague identified in the Western Reservoir Open Space in Broomfield, just a few miles from him. Wait, the plague? Like the Bubonic Plague? Yup. OK, stay out of Broomfield. 

That's it, right? Of course not, next thing I see is that it's spread to squirrels. Squirrels? They travel. Holy crap, what fresh hell is this?

Message to PurDude: Don't leave the house. Ever. Don't even look out the windows. Next thing coming your way is brain sucking zombies. I'm sure of it.

Now click on the links below for a peek into some other homes:

Never Ever Give Up Hope  
Menopausal Mother

Blueberry Confetti Bars

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
1/2 cup butter substitute, room temperature
2 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1 TBSP french vanilla creamer
3 TBSP sugar free blueberry jam  
1 package (16 oz) sugar cookie mix with multicolored sprinkles OPT: use any sugar cookie mix plus 1/2 cup of multicolored sprinkles
1 cup blueberries 

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease a 9 X 13 baking pan.
*Whisk together the butter substitute, eggs, vanilla, french vanilla creamer and blueberry jam. 
*Mix in the sugar cookie mix and multicolored sprinkles (if using). 
*Carefully add the blueberries and spread into the prepared pan.
*Bake for 18 - 22 minutes or until the center springs back to the touch and it's completely browned. Cool completely before slicing.

It's Over When It's Over: Word Counters

Counting my words again. 

Today my fellow Word Counters and I are sharing our monthly group post. Each month one group member picks a number between 12 and 74. All participating bloggers are then challenged to write something (or a few somethings, as the case may be) using that exact number of words. Today we all share what we came up with. 

The July number is 34. It was chosen by Mimi of Messymimi's Meanderings.

As I've been doing in these Word Counters posts, I've chosen a theme and am using my word count multiple times in keeping with the theme. This month's theme, It's Over When It's Over.


~ You can't lie it away. They say when you assume it makes and ass of (yo)u and me. Well, when you lie it makes a liar of you. Period. It's over when it's over.

~ You can't pretend it isn't happening, life isn't a fairy tale, deny, deny, deny may work for affairs (or in front of congress) but it doesn't stop reality. It's over when it's over.

~ You can't put the responsibility for action on others. Some things require action. It may not be comfortable or convenient, but without everyone doing their part then when it's over may just be never.

~ You can't disavow science. The cold hard truth about science is that it is. Whether you acknowledge it or plant your head in the sand of denial is immaterial. It's over when it's over.

~ You can't blame others as a way to divert attention. Shiny objects may be fun to look at, but only temporarily. Turn back around and reality is still there. It's over when it's over.

Grilled Maple Balsamic Shrimp

~ You can't buy your way out of it. There are things money can buy, immunity isn't one of them. So put your wallet away (unless it's for funding research). It's over when it's over. 

~ You can't make up solutions. They could be harmful, even lethal. How about we leave science to scientists and medicine to doctors? It's over when it's over, and they'll tell us when that is.

~ You can't apply your own timeline. Set all the dates you want but they're not written in stone, best write them in pencil and have a big eraser. Because it's over when it's over.

~ You can't rush the finish line, even when it's in sight. Sometimes you can sprint, other times you need to take each step gingerly, purposefully. Tortoise and the hare folks, tortoise and the hare.

~ What you actually can do is follow advice, be safe, safeguard others, listen to scientists and doctors, take precautions. It's still over when it's over, but we CAN impact whether that's sooner or later.

Here are links to the other Word Counters posts:

Messymimi’s Meanderings 
On the Border 

Grilled Maple Balsamic Shrimp         
                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
2# large shrimp, peeled, deveined
1/2 cup maple syrup
1/3 cup balsamic vinegar
2 TBSP olive oil
2 tsp minced garlic
1 green onion, chopped

Directions:
*Place the shrimp into a resealable plastic bag.
*Mix together the maple syrup, balsamic vinegar, olive oil, garlic and green onion. Pour into the bag with the shrimp. Very gently, turn to cover all the shrimp. Refrigerate for 1 1/2 to 2 hours. 
*NOTE: if using wooden skewers, be sure to saturate them in water for an hour before using.
*Heat the grill to medium heat.
*Remove shrimp from marinade and skewer. Place on the grill and cook for about 2 minutes per side or until the shrimp is pink and completely cooked.

End of the Line(age): Use Your Words

Today’s post is a monthly writing challenge. If you’re new here, this is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once. All of the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the recipient will take them. Until now.

At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them.
I'm using: solidify ~ bridge ~ shadows ~ broom ~ coveted ~makeshift
They were submitted by Jenniy of Climaxed.
                          
When I first saw these words, and every time for a few days since, all I could think of was Hansel and Gretel. Yeah, I don't know why either, let me just say that what goes on in my head can often be inexplicable interesting.

But once you have an association in your head, whether it's logical or not, it pretty much takes up permanent residence, especially when you tell it not to. So every time I went to try to write this post, Hansel and Gretel paid me a visit. And telling myself I was going to look at those words and NOT think "Hansel and Gretel" just made those two kids dig in their heels and settle down for the duration. {{sigh}} 

Defeat not being an option, and pilfering the story of Hansel and Gretel not being an option either, I've come up with a little piece of fiction for you today. A compromise of sorts between and my brain.

The players may change . . .

They had a lot to talk about as they sat on their back patio. They had left their grandmother at the family real estate office and come right home. Not a word was said between them on the ride home. Shock can do that to you.

The grill was going and they each had a beer. It was unlike her to drink beer, afraid it would fatten her up, but when he handed it to her, his sister took it. He could have handed her a snake, he thought to himself, and she would have taken it. She was deep in thought, trying to process the story their sweet grandmother had told them about their names, their lineage, and their ties to that other family. More than that though, his sister was, just as he was, fighting to come to grips with what Gram had asked them to do. Murder.

He flipped the Sweet Chili Turkey Burgers that would be their dinner and looked around. This house, their family home, sat on a beautiful, lush piece of land. Not where either of them expected to be living when in their thirties, but his sister had never married, and he needed a peaceful place to recover from his recent divorce. The quaint wooden bridge over the slow-moving brook was the of epitome serenity. And although not in the woods exactly, he loved being surrounded by mature trees, which also provided the seclusion that allowed them to begin their conversation there in the open. Considering the significance of the task, it would have been shocking to anyone else just how effortlessly they accepted their familial responsibility, their Gram's bidding. Through the evening, still sitting in that same spot, their strategy began to solidify.

Sweet Chili Turkey Burgers

. . . but the game remains the same. 

Gram said that she recognized the woman immediately, when she walked into their family real estate office. Not a coincidence at all, they were the only realtors in this small village. She was looking for a house, Gram later told them, and that meant it was going to start again. Something they could not allow. 

The family home, Gram explained, met enough of the criteria of the woman's coveted house be an enticement. Quaint, secluded, with a state-of-the-art kitchen and lots of storage, those were the parameters. Of course they were.

Grandmother and grandchildren spoke of it just once again, to agree on a course of action. A "for sale" sign would go in the yard of the family home. Gram would show the woman pictures of the house and the property, but she would not be there for the showing, her grandchildren insisted on it. They all had their roles. Gram would entice her, the grandson would get her in, and the granddaughter would be the closer.

"There it is," the woman in question thought on the day of her appointment, eyeing the Victorian cottage with the gingerbread trim in front of her. This may not be exactly what she had been seeking but, though explicitly described in family lore, her great, great, great, great grandmother's house was long gone. Until she could make some adjustments, embellish the outside to sweeten the look, this could easily be her makeshift home. 

Just as this was not exactly her ancestors' home, she wasn't exactly the witch her predecessors had been either, no broom for her, but the blood ran through her veins, the hunger inherited, the practices carefully passed on through the generations, albeit in the shadows. 

When the bell rang, brother and sister looked at each other with resolve. This was it.

He kept up a narrative as they toured the house together, deliberately saving the kitchen for last.

"I think this is just what you were looking for," he said as the woman's eyes lit up. "It's a chef's kitchen, pot filler over the stove, and just look at the size of this oven," he smiled as he opened the door, "so big you could fit inside," he encouraged, as she bent to get a good look.

His job was to get her in, which he accomplished by giving that witch an aggressive push. And, as Hansel turned on the heat, Gretel did her part. She closed it.

And if this witch was the last in her line(age)? 

Game over.

Here are links to all the other Use Your Words posts:

Wandering Web Designer
On the Border
The Crazy Mama Llama
Climaxed  
Part-time Working Hockey Mom 

Sweet Chili Turkey Burgers

                                               ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 1/4# lean ground turkey (I use 97% lean)
2/3 cup bread crumbs
1 egg
1/4 cup sweet chili sauce
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1 green onion, chopped
2 TBSP yellow pepper, chopped 
5 slices smoked provolone cheese
5 toasted rolls or English muffins
OPT: mayonnaise or mustard, lettuce and/or tomato

Directions:
*In a large bowl, mix together the turkey, bread crumbs, egg, sweet chili sauce, salt, pepper, green onion and yellow pepper. Form into 5 burgers, wrap individually in plastic wrap and refrigerate for an hour.
*Preheat grill to medium heat. Place the burgers on the grill, close the lid and allow to cook for 14 - 18 minutes, carefully turning halfway through. 
*NOTE: turkey must be cooked completely. Internal temperature must be 165 degrees and juices should run clear. My burgers were about an inch thick, I kept the heat on the grill at a pretty even 400 degrees and they took 9 minutes per side.
*Once the burgers are cooked, place a slice of cheese on each, shut off the grill, close the lid again and leave on the grill for one minute.
*Place each burger in a toasted bun with your choice of condiments. 
*OPT: These can be cooked indoors in a hot pan with a little olive oil.