It's Like Christmas in Here: Funny Friday

Today’s post is this month’s Funny Friday, a regular feature published on the last Friday of every month. Funny Friday is a collaborative project. Each month one of the participants submits a picture, then we all write 5 captions or thoughts inspired by that month’s picture. Links to the other bloggers’ posts are below, click on them and see what they’ve come up with. I hope we bring a smile to your face as you start your weekend.

 Here’s today’s picture. It was submitted by Dawn of Cognitive Script.

1. Husband to his wife: I'd be happy to clean it out for you hon, but the vacuum cleaner won't fit in here.

2. Husband to his wife: I'm sure we have a wine opener somewhere . . .

3. Husband to his wife: Honey, are you SURE you saw a spider?
Wife (in a panicked voice): Do you think I'm standing on this table for my health?
Husband (sighing): Well, probably not. But I don't see anything.
Wife: Just so you know, you'll be there and I'll be here till you do. 
Husband: I was afraid of that.

4.Wife to Husband: I know I said to look everywhere, but under what set of circumstances would your car keys be down there?

5. Husband to Wife: Hey, we have a coffee grinder. Wait, and a juicer. Oh, and look, a panini press. I should have checked this out years ago, it's like Christmas in here.

And now for something yummy, a delicious grilled side dish: 

Italian Style Grilled Zucchini

Click on the links below and let some other bloggers make you smile:

Cognitive Script
Southern Belle Charm
The Bergham Chronicles

Italian Style Grilled Zucchini

                                                  ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
2 Zucchini
2 TBSP olive oil
1 TBSP Italian Seasoning
salt and pepper to taste
3 large grape tomatoes
1 TBSP grated parmesan cheese 
1 tsp chopped parsley

Directions:
*Preheat your grill to the medium low setting.
*Rinse the zucchini, pat dry, cut off ends and slice in half lengthwise. Rinse the grape tomatoes, pat dry, slice and set aside.
*Place the zucchini, seed side up, on a plate. Brush with the olive oil, then sprinkle with the Italian Seasoning, salt and pepper. 
*Place the zucchini on the grill, seed side down. Cook for 3 minutes. Keeping the zucchini seed side down, turn them about 180 degrees. Cook another 4 - 5 minutes until they start to soften but still have some crunch. Remove from grill.
*Place the tomato slices on the zucchini slices. Sprinkle with the grated parmesan and chopped parsley.

Separation Aberration Mortification

The day we dropped my older son off at college, I missed him before we even headed home. And I told him so, as my husband rolled his eyes, texting him from his dorm parking lot. He was only an hour away, but no longer a daily physical presence in our lives. It was an adjustment. 

He stopped by both when I knew he was coming and sometimes just unexpectedly. I kept a bag of supplies for him in his locker in the laundry room, still actively involved in supplying his needs (and wants). On any weekend I could find myself cheerfully setting another place at the family table.

Cordon Bleu Grilled Cheese Pockets

When he and a number of students got food poisoning, many ended up dehydrated in the hospital. The wind was whipping dangerously the day I drove to school to get him, car bouncing around the highway like a ping pong ball. I brought him home and spent a week nursing him back to health. Because I could.

When my younger son went to school 10 hours away, it was a whole new level of separation. There were times when, as a mom, it was achingly difficult not to be near him, like when he broke his leg, and when his friend/chef died. Or even when I just walked by his room, feeling the emptiness to my core.

But I was able to support him from afar, advise him and provide for his needs. And I knew the environment he was in, that he was learning and growing, that he was free, that he was safe. I could talk with him any time, fly him home frequently. In fact, it was rarely more than a few months between visits. 

He's home now having graduated last month. We went to pick him up knowing exactly where he would be and when to be there. He's in my home now, planning his future with his family. Sitting at our table daily.

My son is better, stronger, smarter for his experience. He will leave again, and I know how much I will miss him again. But it will be not be open ended, and it will be not with fear in my heart, but pride. 

I was going to say that unless you've been living under a rock, you know about the controversy that came to a head this past week over the administration's zero tolerance (anti)immigration policy. It resulted in both a change in the parameters of approved circumstances under which refugees can request asylum, and a new immigration enforcement policy which, when enacted, saw thousands of children of all ages ripped from their parents and placed in internment camps. Indefinitely.

Truth is, even if you have, in fact, been living under a rock, you have to know this is happening. And the resulting controversy.

For a week now I've been vacillating between trying to understand what these people are going through, and desperately trying not to.

I think about how much I missed my sons, even though it was a planned, voluntary, emotionally safe separation. I'm not trying to make a comparison between these circumstances, there are none. I bring it up as it's the only time I had any inkling of what it was like to be physically separated from and missing my children. What at the time was emotional for me, was in fact just a temporary physical-only disconnection, so trivial given what I'm now witnessing as to be embarrassing.

With perspective I have come to some stark realizations, most mortifying is the visceral, visual proof that there is no correlation between a gentle parting and the aberration of violent ripping. 

There is separation and then there is amputation.

And I just cannot begin to imagine.

Cordon Bleu Grilled Cheese Pockets

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients (per pocket):
1 cup cooked chicken, chopped
2 TBSP mayonnaise
1/4 celery stick, chopped
1/2 green onion, sliced
1 TBSP butter
1 pita pocket
2 slices Swiss or cheese of your choice (I used Pepper Jack) 1 slice thick ham (I used leftover Marinated Grilled Ham Steak), cut in half

Directions:
*Mix together the cooked chicken, mayonnaise, celery and green onion. Set aside.
*Cut the pita pocket in half. Break up the cheese slices to fit inside the pocket halves without hanging out. Place a slice of ham in each.
*Melt the butter in a skillet over medium heat. Add the pockets and cook until the bottom starts to brown. Flip over and cook the other side. Remove from pan.
*Using a knife, immediately carefully pry the pocket open, fill with the chicken salad.

I'm not Limping, That's Just Food: Fly on the Wall

Welcome to a monthly Fly on the Wall group post. Today 5 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my house. At the end of my post you’ll find links to this month’s other participants’ posts.

College Boy and I were out at about 10:00 pm and stopped by a store to pick something up quickly on the way home. It was a hot night and we had the windows down. As I was driving out of the parking lot, I could see that where I am about to stop at a stop sign, the sprinklers on the lawn there had turned on. There were a whole row of them and would be on the passenger side of the car as I approached and then stopped at the corner.

I turned to College Boy and told him to quickly put his window up so he didn't get wet. 

Did he? Of course not. As I drove through the gauntlet of cold water, he ducked. Since he was now blocked by the door, he was completely dry. I, on the other hand . . . yup, soaked.

Thanks, kid.

We had to have a lot of work done to our sprinkler system last year and I was happy to know that turning it on this year wouldn't be an issue.

Not so fast.

Hubs, who is the least handy person I know, went to turn the system on for the season.

Hubs: Well, the sprinklers work but water is bubbling out of the top of the thing on the side of the house.
Me: That doesn't sound good.
Hubs: Yeah I'm not sure what's wrong.
Me: Google it. 
Hubs: You can't google "water bubbling out of the top of the sprinkler thing on the side of the house".

Actually you probably can, but he grabbed the manual and went down to the man cave.

He comes upstairs with the manual and a pair of pliers. Yeah, this isn't going to end well. 

He comes inside soaking wet with the manual dripping. 

I didn't ask a thing, just headed straight for the liquor cabinet, where I intend to stay until the Fall. Or until he calls the sprinkler repair people. Whichever comes first.

There's been a lot going on around here in the last few months so some things got away from me, like editing our pics from our Marco Island vacation in March.

I was just in my 2018 picture file looking at the pictures from PurDude's graduation and saw the vacation pics. Most of them were great, which is unusual since I suck at photography. Some of the pics made me smile, a few made me laugh, like this one I called "plowing the field, Marco Island style"

And then there's this one I called "pelicans on the gulf"

Or not.

Yeah, there's the old picture taking skills everyone's come to expect from me. {{sigh}}.

My entire family suffers from seasonal allergies. I'm sure they're made worse by the fact that our house backs up to woods that are lined with Cottonwood Trees. The cottonwood flies all over the lawn and the deck and we sneeze until it stops.

Now I love my lilac shrubs. I have them over on the side of the house where, sadly, they bloom for such a short time each spring. 

I always go out and snip some to put in a vase on the counter. We all suffer, but sometimes you have to suffer for beauty. 

Apparently not this year. My family put their collective feet down and made it clear I was to enjoy the lilacs in their natural habitat. In an effort to wear them down, I brought it up again at dinner and to my surprise, Hubs gave in. Not only that, he offered to create the display himself.

The next afternoon I came home to find my vase on the kitchen counter. And propped up against the vase was this picture from years ago.

I need a less conniving family. And new password for the picture file on my laptop.

You'd think that after all this time nothing I would do could surprise my husband, but, well:

Hubs (walking into the kitchen): Are you OK?
Me: I'm fine, why?
Hubs: You're limping.
Me: No I'm not.
Hubs: It looks like you're limping. What are you doing?
Me: Trying to get over to the sink without the blob of food I dropped on my foot slipping off onto the floor.
Hubs: You're doing what?
Me: Do you really want me to explain it?

Hubs (walking away shaking his head): No. I guess I really don't.

Mixed Berry Oreo Whipped Dessert

I love having my youngest son home. This time between graduation and when he starts his new job is really precious to me and I'm loving every minute.

Many of you who follow this blog know that PurDude took the car on the left away from me the day he got his license. It's 14 years old but he won't give it up, he just loves it. It took him through high school and all 4 years of college.

The other day I opened the garage door.

For the first time since I'd gotten my new car, his car was back home and I couldn't help but smile. This picture just says it all.

Only me.

I know better than to, when I ask Hubs to pick something up for me, be anywhere other than beside the phone. But last week I did make a request of him and while he was gone jumped in the shower.

Realizing my mistake as soon as I stepped out, I ran and grabbed my cell phone to find his missed call. 

Somehow, don't ask me how 'cause I couldn't do it if I tried, I realized as he was answering my call back that I'd enabled "video call". And yikes, as I said, I'd just stepped out of the shower.

Hubs: Hello.
Me: Don't look.
Hubs: Huh?
Me: Don't look at your phone.
Hubs: Well you know that's just gonna make me look.
Me: It was a mistake. I don't know how I did it.
Hubs: What are you talking about? Are you having a stroke or something?
Me: {{sigh}} Did you call me?
Hubs: Yeah I had a question.
Me: What is it?
Hubs: Forget it, I already checked out.
Me: I think I'll go have that stroke now.

I don't mind mowing the lawn, but it was really long and had to be bagged, so I opted out. Hubs was going to come home early from work to mow but PurDude was home, noticed the lawn needed mowing and went out to do it. I called Hubs to let him know.

But my husband and my brother-in-law (my sister's husband, they live in Boston 1500 miles from us) have the same first name and I was shocked when I pressed the wrong one in my cell phone and realized I was talking to my brother-in-law:

Me: Oh.
Him: You pressed the wrong number on your cell phone, didn't you?
Me: Yes, OMG. I guess you don't really need to know that PurDude is mowing the lawn.
Him: No, can't say as I do.

Not only did I call the wrong person, but I bothered him at work. And even worse, when he saw my number come up on his phone at work I scared the crap out of him, thinking something was wrong.

We chatted for a while, but let me tell you I felt like the biggest idiot. 

 

PurDude was looking for a snack after a tough morning (and half the afternoon, truth be told) of sleeping in.
Me: I'll make some cookies.
PurDude: What kind?
Me: How about whatever you want. Tell me what your favorite mix-ins would be and I'll add them. Candies, cookies, flavoring whatever you want.
PurDude proceeds to name all of his favorites.
Me: Hmm, there's gonna be a whole lot of junk food in these cookies.
PurDude: They'll be delicious. You should put them on your blog.
Me: I'll have to think of something to call them. Like "PurDude's Junk".

He didn't even have to roll his eyes and shake his head while he walked away, I heard it myself the minute it came out of my mouth.

My older son loves Chipotle Ranch Salad Dressing. He has it on pretty much everything. I've even used it in a few recipes with him in mind like Grilled Sriracha Chipotle Ranch Chicken and Sriracha Chipotle Ranch Chicken Nachos and Spicy Broccoli Slaw and Chicken Salad.

I tried a new recipe the other night. I wanted to make Chicken Parmesan, but I didn't want to have to pan fry the chicken breasts so I was trying to make them in the oven but still be crispy.

I served it with my Homemade Marinara.

Me: Do you like the Chicken Parmesan made in the oven?
College Boy: Yes, but you know what would be really good?
Me: What?
College Boy: If instead of marinara, you served it with Chipotle Ranch Dressing.
Me: I tell you what, I'll slather those things in Chipotle Ranch dressing if you can name one food you actually don't think would taste good smothered in Chipotle Ranch dressing.
College Boy: Ice cream. 

Well, he got me there.

Now click on the links below for a peek into some other homes:

Menopausal Mother 
Never Ever Give Up Hope  
Spatulas on Parade
My Brand of Crazy
 

Mixed Berry Oreo Whipped Dessert        

                                    ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1/3 cup blueberries

1/3 cup chopped raspberries

2/3 cup chopped strawberries

1/3 cup sugar

12 oreos, crushed

3 oz box blue or red jello flavor or your choice

1 1/4 cup heavy cream

Directions:

*Mix the blueberries, raspberries and strawberries with sugar in a bowl. Place on the counter for an hour, stirring now and then.

*Into a small strainer placed over a bowl, strain the fruit saving both the fruit and the juice.

*Boil 1 cup of water. Add the jello and mix until the crystals dissolve. Mix in 1/2 cup of the berry juice. If you don't quite have 1/2 cup, add water to make 1/2 cup. Refrigerate for 20 minutes.

*Beat the heavy cream until stiff peaks hold. Beat in the jello. Refrigerate for 20 minutes.

*Strain the fruit again, reserving any additional juice for drizzling over the top when serving. Mix in the crushed oreos and reserved fruit into the jello mixture. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for one hour to thicken.

*To serve, either scoop into a bowl or scoop onto a slice of angel food or pound cake or marbled brioche. Drizzle with any remaining juice.

Down One Check Mark in the Virtue Column

If patience is a virtue, I'm down one check mark in that virtue column. I may be down quite a few, but that's a story for another day. Whatever, I know I've got integrity and ethics so I'm not completely without redeeming qualities. Or at least that's what I tell myself. 

But patience, well, I've always been lacking. I know it's me and not to put it off on those of you blessed with this virtue, but there are strategies that I might be able to offer if you have people like me in your life.

  

To husbands everywhere:
If I ask you to show me where the broken piece on the sprinkler system is so I know what to point out to the repairman when he arrives, I do not want a dissertation on the history of sprinkler systems and how they work.

To the checker in the supermarket:
I don't want to be rude, if you want to tell me all the cute things your dog or cat or kid did this week, I'll listen and smile. If you have to stop checking my groceries to act out each circumstance, I'm not going to listen. Or smile. You might even hear a "grrrr". 

To the person driving 15 miles per hour below the speed limit:
That right lane isn't there just to look pretty. And straddling both lanes is an equally aggravating strategy. If you do not take your place in the proper lane, it may force the driver behind you to show you that the first two and the last two fingers of one hand have clench shut leaving that other finger pointing to the sky.

To little kids sitting at the dinner table:
Listen, if your mama says you have to eat one bite of your vegetable to have dessert, time is not your friend, sitting there looking at it will not make it disappear. Be smart, hide it under the lettuce in your salad like I used to do or throw it onto the floor under your sister's chair like my sister used to do but for the love of all that is holy, make your move.

Baked Crispy Chicken Parmesan

To the car repairman:
Listen, I get it, you can't always judge time accurately. Maybe the car ahead of mine needs more repairs than you'd initially thought. That's fine. But do not tell me my car will be ready in an hour and wait for me to get a ride to pick it up to tell me you haven't got to it yet. Call me, email me, text me, send up smoke signals, the options are endless. But if you wait until I'm standing there, chances are pretty good that what you see from me will not be patience.  

To the nurse at the gynecologist's office:
Don't tell me to take off all of my clothes, cover myself with a piece of material the size of a bandana and lay down on the torture table because the doctor will be right in if the doctor's a good half hour out. You know the longer I lay there the better the chance I'm gonna have to pee. And if I end up heading to the bathroom with my butt hanging out? Well, that's on you.

To my son:
If I ask you, and you agree, to mow the lawn before the storms come through, I don't mean for wait to head out there until the thunder's so loud you fall off the couch. Chances are I'll have something to say at that point. And it won't be "thank you".

To restaurant waiters and waitresses:
I have been a waitress so I know that sometimes when there's a rush things get absolutely crazy, you may need to say "I'll be right with you" and not get back for a while. So, being on the customer side of the situation, let me give you a hint as to how to assure your customer's patience. You can take as long as you need to fill my water, take my order, to bring my salad, to even bring my meal and I'll be fine with it as long as you do this one little thing. Get that cocktail order taken and delivered. Fast.

In fact, now that I think of it, that cocktail strategy might just work for the husbands, supermarket checkers, slow drivers, kids, car repairmen and nurses . . .

Baked Crispy Chicken Parmesan        
                                    ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
3 large boneless skinless chicken breasts
1 egg
1 cup Italian seasoned bread crumbs
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 stick butter
3/4 tsp garlic powder
1/2 cup shredded provolone
1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella
1 cup marinara sauce, my recipe for Homemade Marinara HERE
2 TBSP dried parsley flakes

Directions:
*Grease a 9 X 13 baking dish. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
*Cut each chicken breasts into 3 pieces of fairly equal thickness.
*Whisk the egg in a bowl with 2 TBSP water. Mix the seasoned bread crumbs and parmesan cheese on a plate.
*Dip the chicken pieces into the egg, then coat completely with the bread crumb mixture and place into the prepared baking dish.
*Melt the butter with the garlic powder. Drizzle over the chicken pieces.
*Bake for 40 minutes. Remove from oven, sprinkle the provolone and mozzarella cheeses over the chicken. Sprinkle with the parsley and return to the oven for 10 - 15 minutes. Chicken must be completely cooked through
*While the cheese is melting, heat the marinara sauce and serve the chicken with the marinara drizzled over the top and/or on the side. 

Froggy Went a Hoppin': Use Your Words

Today’s post is a monthly writing challenge. If you’re new here, this is how it works: participating bloggers picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases for someone else to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once. All of the posts will be unique as each writer has received their own set of words. That’s the challenge, here’s a fun twist; no one who’s participating knows who got their words and in what direction the recipient will take them. Until now.

At the end of this post you’ll find links to the other blogs featuring this challenge. Check them all out, see what words they got and how they used them.
I'm using: heart ~ greens ~ along ~ silver ~ tree ~ remote
                        They were submitted by Minette of Southern Belle Charm.

                          
The words I was assigned today took me on a light journey into fiction today.

Operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Caller: She's missing.
Operator: You have a missing person? Is it a family member?
Caller: Yes.
Operator: Is this person in jeopardy? Do you think they could be harmed?
Caller: Yes.
Operator: I can send a few officers to your home. Let me just get a little information. Where was she seen last?
Caller: In the back yard by the trees going into the woods.
Operator: Walking into the woods?
Caller: Hopping along.
Operator: Hopping?
Caller: Yes.
Operator: OK, can I have a brief description? How old is she? What does she look like?
Caller: She's little. She has big legs and green skin
Operator (interrupting): How old are you?
Caller: I'm six.
Operator: Is your mommy there?
Caller: She's in the kitchen making lunch.
Operator: Can I speak with her please?

Buffalo Chicken Pasta Salad

Later on, lunch served and little Alyssa put down for a nap, another phone call was made. This time it was the mom using her cell phone, which she'd vowed never to let out of her sight again.

Mom: There's more than a remote chance we may be in a bit of trouble with the police.
Husband (sighing): Do I even want to know?
Mom: Alyssa took her pet frog out of the terrarium and into the back yard to play.
Husband: Doesn't sound too serious.
Mom: The frog took off into the woods. 
Husband: Oh, no!
Mom: She was very upset. Distraught.
Husband: Doesn't sound like anything illegal, though.
Mom: So she called 911 to report Froggy missing.
Husband (sarcastically): Of course she did.
Mom: Yeah, I had a really fun discussion with the 911 operator about keeping my cell phone in a secure place.
Husband: I bet you had an interesting conversation with our daughter too.
Me. Oh hell yeah. But silver lining? I do love that little girl's heart. 

Here are links to all the other Use Your Words posts:

On the Border
 The Bergham Chronicles
Southern Belle Charm
The Blogging 911
Cognitive Script  
Part-Time Working Hockey Mom 
 My Brand of Crazy
 Climaxed

Buffalo Chicken Pasta Salad

                                               ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

2 tsp cayenne pepper
1/8 tsp paprika
1/8 tsp chili powder 
1/8 tsp cumin
1/2 garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
2 large chicken breasts
13 Angel Hair pasta
1/2 red pepper, chopped
2 green onions, sliced
1 stick celery, sliced
2 TBSP butter, melted
1 cup Frank's Hot Sauce
4 TBSP Ranch salad dressing 

2 TBSP toasted sesame seeds

Directions:
*Mix together the paprika, chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, salt and pepper. Sprinkle liberally on both sides of the chicken breast. Bake or grill them until completely cooked. Refrigerate to cool. Chop.
*Cook the pasta until al dente. Rinse with cold water and drain 2 - 3 times to stop the cooking process. Drain well. Place in a large bowl and refrigerate until cool.
*Add the chopped chicken, red pepper, green onion and celery to the cooled pasta.
*Whisk together the melted butter, Frank's Hot Sauce, and Ranch dressing. Pour into the bowl. Mix well, cover and refrigerate at least 2 hours. To serve, sprinkle with toasted sesame seeds.