The Nightmare Probability

  

 

 

I will not be sleeping in my bed tonight. Quite possibly never again. 

No, I'm not mad at Hubs. If so, we all know that he'd be the one not sleeping in the bed tonight.

 

Before I explain what happened last night, let me tell you of a previous experience I had, many years ago, back when Hubs and I had just moved into an apartment in Connecticut. 

 

Hubs was at work. I was unpacking boxes when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. There, in the middle of the room was a spider. Now I don't like spiders in general, but this was a huge, grey, long legged, gargantuan spider, the size of which I'd never seen. I was terrified. There was no way I was touching that thing, I certainly wasn't going to try to squish something that huge {{gag}}, maybe I could put a plastic container over it, a paperweight on the container and let Hubs deal with it.

 

That was the plan.

 

I grabbed a container, and tried to convince myself to get anywhere near the monster. That's when it happened. It started to run, I threw the container at it and I started to run. I ended up standing on the arm of the couch. But where did it end up?

 

Three hours later, Hubs came home and there I was, standing on the arm of the couch, eyes the size of saucers, rotating and scanning the room like a human periscope.

 

Hubs checked that house, top to bottom, more than once. I stayed right where I was, micromanaging "pick up the couch, look under the rug." When he'd finally given up, he told me it had probably gotten out the sliding door.

 

Probably?

 

Probably?

 

I probably wouldn't end up living in the Midwest.

I probably wouldn't get pregnant in the early years of IVF.

I probably wouldn't have an FBI file.

I probably wouldn't have a kid light my car on fire.

I probably . . .

Not that I knew then all of the improbably probabilities I be living later on, but one thing I knew right then and there was that, in that particular moment, I wouldn't be doing "probably."

 

Hell-to-the-NO!

 

What I also knew is that I probably (more than probably) wouldn't, in the forseeable future, be in the laundry room, reaching into the washing machine. I wouldn't be in the kitchen reaching into cabinets. 

 

I'd be in the den. Standing on the couch. In perpetuity. Or at least for the life span of a gargantuan spider.

 

 

Garlic Ranch Orzo

 

Fast forward to last night. Or I should say this morning. It was actually about 5:30 am, I had been asleep when I suddenly heard fast galloping across my ceiling. Yes, it was that loud. I looked up and saw an enormous beetle, scurrying across the ceiling from the middle of the room, to over my bed. 

Terrified, I jumped out of bed and turned on the light. I was shaking, my heart beating a mile a minute. I looked up at the ceiling and saw nothing. Hubs, famous for sleeping through tornado sirens, was sleeping away.

 

 

 

I woke him up and we checked the ceiling again. Nothing. There's a vent there but it was closed, and honestly, this thing would have to lose about 20 pounds to fit in it anyway. We climbed up and checked behind the headboard. Nothing. We used flashlights to check under the bed. Nothing. 

Hubs was convinced I'd just heard something outside and scared myself awake, but it didn't matter, I was up. For the day. Maybe forever.

 

And face it, there's just no way I'm going back into that room, shut off the lights, and do anything other than picture an enormous beetle galloping its way towards my face. No, I'm going to have to turn my bedroom over to that thing.

 

Even though I've spent the better part of the day convincing myself that it had probably just been a nightmare.

Probably.

Garlic Ranch Orzo

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Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups chicken broth

1/2 cup ranch dressing

2 TBSP grated parmesan cheese

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

1 TBSP dried parsley 

2 TBSP butter

1 cup orzo

3 cloves garlic, minced

 

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease an 8 X 8 baking dish.

*Whisk together the chicken broth, ranch dressing, parmesan cheese, salt, pepper, and parsley in a large bowl. Set aside.

*In a skillet over medium heat, melt the butter. Once hot, add the orzo and garlic to the pan. Cook, stirring, for about 3 minutes, until the orzo starts to brown.

*Add the orzo to the bowl and mix. Pour into the prepared baking dish and cover tightly. Bake for 40 minutes. Uncover carefully, and stir.