Forgiveness

I was so proud when, one year after my oldest started college, my youngest became a college student too. I knew that he was smart, moral, strong and had a good work ethic. I thought, with a pat on the back, that I had taught him all he needed to know to go off on his own.

He ended up 700 miles away in situations we could never see coming. And I was right, with support from us from afar and his own strength of character, he met each obstacle, conquered, grew and moved on.

This week was a different story.

 I had to write my son an email today. It was the hardest letter I've ever had to write.

Son:

I'm writing this in an email instead of a text because it's long and I want you to read it on your laptop, not a tiny cell phone screen, and truly think about it. I hope that you will print it and that all through your life, when needed, you will have it to refer to.

Of all the things we taught you growing up, although responsibility was one of them and consequences was another, I guess we never gave a whole lot of thought to helping you understand how to deal with the fallout of mistakes. YOUR mistakes. I know you learned how to forgive others, how to get past, as best you can, being wronged, but we were remiss when it comes to the process of forgiving yourself.

I put part of the responsibility on you. You are a great kid. You never got into a lot of trouble. You had a definite sense of whether or not you liked someone and held on to those feelings but you never fought with people, you chose more to walk away than deal with mean kids and drama. You kept the peace with your brother whose teenage years were quite turbulent. You studied hard, worked hard, chose friends with discrimination. your growth into independence was not fraught with some of the wild antics many teenagers get involved in.

You made mistakes, most small. Some, like TWO speeding tickets in one week, bigger. But not really epic ones. A lot of the trouble that many kids got into in high school, you didn't. You lead a sheltered life and in retrospect I think I owe you an apology for that. Now that you are hundreds of miles away at college you're going through so many issues neither one of us saw coming.

You've had a friend arrested for a serious crime, had another friend die, you broke your leg, the first bone you've ever broken. Through all of these I counseled long distance. I knew they'd be hard, physically and emotionally challenging. I thought about flying out there a time or two, but ultimately I knew you were well equipped to deal with these challenges yourself. Your integrity, maturity and character could and did get you through. I was heartbroken for you, and so very proud of you.

But this week you made a mistake. A huge one. I'm not sure we've really gotten to the bottom of it, how much was your responsibility and how much was made worse by another, but honestly it doesn't matter. It is not the mistakes you make in life or your level of culpability but what you do with them. Because of them.

At first you were confused, put most of the blame on someone else. But you showed so much maturity by not only seeking out others who were there for their perspective but really internalizing it.

There are steps to learning from mistakes and you've taken most of them.

1) You are coming to terms with the external blame. Whatever someone else did or didn't do to exacerbate the situation, you cannot change. Let it go. Adjust your relationship with them, but let it go.

2) You called your parents and took responsibility. I know that had to be excruciating, thinking you let us down. 

3) You are aware that there may possibly be more consequences and whatever you think of them, you will accept them.

4) You sat in your room for an entire day feeling forlorn and embarrassed. Good. You should. Big mistakes are not easy to get over. But there is a line between embarrassed and ashamed. You should not be ashamed. You made an error in judgement that many, actually most, kids do.

5) You learned from it. There are things you will not do again and therein lies the core of making mistakes. Learning from them and moving on as a better person.

But you're stuck on the last one, forgiving yourself. And you will truly have let us down if you don't find a way to navigate this one. You must move on, the rest of your life depends on it.

After spending a day wallowing in it, I suggested something that works for me, the reason I blog. I do it to temporarily fully immerse my brain in something else. Forget just for a while, give yourself a much needed emotional respite. And you did. Sort of. You spent a second entire day in your room working on a project, leaving only for class and for 5 minutes for dinner.

That was not what I meant.

Passover Pancakes

Face the friends who know. The longer you hide, not only the more you just put off the inevitable, but the less time you're spending building new experiences and memories with them. Do you want this to be how you and others define you?

If not, get out there. Red-faced at first. Embarrassed by the mistake but NOT ashamed of yourself. Hold your head high. You are not a mistake. You are a person of very high character who made an error in judgement. Do not let this one circumstance swallow your self esteem. And it is. I can hear it.

Your frat had a party that second night. you had signed up to work it and you did. I know it was hard, but first steps always are.

Now take the rest of those steps. Knowing that we, your family, are here for you. We believe in you. We don't care that you make mistakes, but we absolutely do care about what you do despite them. And what you now need to do is to release yourself from the crushing weight of this guilt. With the lesson learned, it is no longer serving any purpose.

Forgive yourself, son. Find a way. And remember how you did it. Because although this is your first really big mistake. It will not be your last.

So proud of you. Still and always.
Mom

Passover Pancakes

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Printable Recipe

NOTE: For the pancake pictured I made a large pancake using about 1/2 cup of the batter and topped it with chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry.
 

Ingredients (serves about 4 adults):

1 cup matzo meal
1 tsp sugar
1 tsp salt 
4 eggs
1 1/2 cups milk
about 6 pats of butter

OPT: leftover Charoses.

Directions:
*Whisk together the matzo meal, sugar and salt. Whisk in the eggs and milk. 
*Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate an hour (I make it the night before and leave it in the refrigerator overnight).
*Remove batter from fridge. Melt a pat of butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Place about 6 - 7 tablespoons of batter, individually and separated, into hot pan (I make these the size of "silver dollar pancakes"). Batter is thick, if you want thinner pancakes, spread them carefully with the back of your tablespoon.
*If using, place a little charoses in the center of each pancake and press gently into the batter. When the bottom is browned, flip and cook the other side just as you would with any pancake.
*Repeat with the rest of the butter and the rest of the batter.