Pardon Me

It started with a burp. Not many things do, but this did. And not just any burp either, a public one.

It wasn't me, it wasn't even a family member. In general, they're not really a problem, I'm a firm believer that our home is our safe zone, if you gotta burp, this is the place to do it. I'd prefer you leave the room before releasing gas of any sort, but no such luck on this one either. Yeah, the joys of living with all men.

The burp in question here was actually delivered by a stranger. I was walking past him in a parking lot (at a safe distance, no less) at the time. "Pardon me," he said. Shocking me really, because we were moving in opposite directions, had already passed each other. He didn't have to say anything. But he asked and I did. Pardon him. Because I could. I had the power.

And there it was. Realization. I have the power. Of the pardon. And while I'm feeling generous, I intend to use it. 

  By the power vested in me, by no one in particular, it is my honor to pardon you:

~ Scanner. I'm not sure what the argument was about, but my scanner is currently not speaking to my laptop. I'm not one to interject myself in a fight that isn't mine, but how the hell did I end up being the one to suffer the consequences of this one? I'm innocent. Collateral damage. And damn, I need that scanner more when it doesn't work than when it does.

~ Snow, for not taking a hint. It settles on our driveway, gets shooed away, comes back, is thrown aside and just comes back again. Of course in the name of full disclosure I have to admit that it's pretty easy for me to do the pardoning, I'm not the one who runs the snowblower around here.

~ Grocery store, for being out of Chambord. Not just toilet paper and past, but Chambord. Don't get me wrong, I love Chambord, and nothing's going to stop me from replacing my bottle, I will hunt that stuff down near or far. But not finding it the first time resulted in my impulse buy of Bailey Strawberry and Cream, and aint nothing wrong with that.

~ Guy Fieri. Yes, I said it. That man is personally responsible for a good 10 pounds. Of mine. Every time I try to watch a show he hosts, I end up with a snack in my hand, and we're not talking celery here. Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives has made me weak, weighty and waddling.

Crispy Cod Fingers

~ Onions, the ultimate love/hate relationship. They make me cry, every time, are responsible for that meticulously applied mascara running all the way down my face. And although I pardon you, don't get your hopes up, you're still getting chopped.

~ Frizzy hair. We've been together for many years, joined at the head as we are. I pardon not of free will but out of sheer necessity. Because ripping it out or shaving it off being my only other options kinda leaves me no other choice.

~ Morning. Don't get me wrong, at my age I'm grateful every morning I wake up and get out of bed without breaking a hip. Thing is, I just don't see why morning has to come so . . . you know . . . early. But as long as I can keep getting up, morning will be pardoned.

~ People who sing off-key. This pardon was kinda mandatory since it includes me. But I have learned, through the years, that no matter what you sound like, when you gotta sing, you gotta sing. Especially now.

Under consideration but didn't make the list:
self check-outs
Mark Zuckerberg 
daylight savings time
last call 
parking lots


Not even considered:
viruses, any and all
taxes
potholes
politicians
Amazon
mosquitos 

Anything I missed?

Crispy Cod Fingers      
                                                     ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1# skinless Cod fillets

1/4 cup flour

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

1 egg

1/2 cup cornstarch

1/4 tsp dried dill

1/8 tsp cayenne

1/4 tsp paprika

about 1 cup vegetable oil

additional salt

OPT: Thousand Island dressing, tartar sauce and/or fresh lemon

Directions:

*Rinse the cod, pat it dry, and slice it into strips about 1 inch thick.

*Mix the flour with the salt and pepper on a dish.

*Whisk the egg with 2 TBSP water in a bowl.

*Mix together the cornstarch, dill, cayenne, and paprika on another dish.

*Dredge the fish, one piece at a time in the flour, then dip in the egg, then coat completely with the cornstarch. 

*Pour about 1/2 inch of oil into a large skillet. Heat over medium high until hot. If you gently drop a little cornstarch in the skillet and it sizzles, it's hot enough.

*Very carefully add the fish fingers to the skillet, try not to let them touch each other. Allow to cook, about 2 minutes, until they start to brown. If the oil sputters, turn the heat down just a little.

*Gently roll the fish fingers over and cook on the other side, about 2 minutes. Remove to paper towels, sprinkle with salt, and allow to drain.

*OPT: serve with Thousand Island dressing or tartar sauce for dipping, and/or fresh lemon wedges to squeeze over the top of the fish.

Holidays at the ATM

I'd never thought to analyze society through the lens of an ATM drive-through line before but as we head into this holiday weekend, I'm reminded of an experience of just a few months ago on Memorial Day. I had left my cell phone at home as I was just going 1/2 mile up the street to the ATM and back home again thinking I'd just be gone minutes. I had just finished making my Vegetable Ranch Tortellini Salad for the long weekend's cookout so I knew this would be a good time to take a cooking break before starting the next recipe.

Vegetable Ranch Tortellini Salad

But I pulled up and found myself 6th in line. My first thought was how stupid I was to have gone there on a holiday in the first place. If I were going to write a blog post on going to the bank on a national holiday, it would be pretty short. One word, in fact: Don't. Well, I might add "bring your cell phone."

I am the epitome of impatience. It's just how I am. But when you're in that line you can stay or you can go, those are your choices. I had nothing else I had to do right then so I chose to stay. And watch.

The first car in the line was Mr. Considerate. He pulled up to the machine, took care of business and pulled ahead immediately, stopping at the end of the parking lot to put his money away and his seat belt back on. Thank you, Mr. Considerate. We need more people like you in the drive-through. In the world, too.

The second person in line was a woman, Ms. Easily Distracted. She pulled up, started her transaction, turned around to talk to her kids in the back seat, pressed a few buttons on the machine, looked at her cell phone, completed her transaction, put her seat belt back on, pulled out her wallet, turned back to her kids, and then remembered to pull away. Focus woman, this ATM thing is not that hard.

Next up came a real sharer. Mr. Share The Wealth was not sharing his money. Although truth be told I probably wouldn't have taken it from him anyway. He drove up, stuck his head out the window and sneezed on the machine. He then stuck his card in the slot, wiped his nose with his hand and proceeded to press the buttons. Note to self: going to the ATM on a holiday requires preparation. Pack hand sanitizer, lysol wipes and a surgical mask. Unprepared, when my turn came I had to MacGyver it. I held my breath and used a wad of tissues to touch the machine.

  Fourth in line was one of those people. There's one in every crowd and there was one in this group too. You know, Mr. Its All About Me. He was in line for a good 5 minutes or so, had plenty of time to prepare. Don't know what he had been doing in his car, but when it was his turn he pulled up to the machine and sat. And sat. And sat. And sat. And sat. And sat. He finally decided that maybe while he's sitting there he might as well go ahead and do some banking. Which he did. And then he sat. And sat. And sat. And sat. And sat. Did I mention that I tend to be a scad on the impatient side? My horn honking hand was itching. Maybe if I gave him a loud enough blast it would startle him out of there. But then there was the chance that the fifth in line, the guy ahead of me, might aim his apparent favorite pastime at me. And Hubs did just wash my car.

The aforementioned fifth car in line can only be described as Mr. Disgusting. And lucky me, I got the place of honor behind him. He would turn his head and spit out his window with unfortunate regularity. I was nauseated. With unfortunate regularity. Second note to self: remember when you took a barf bag from the airline kept it in your car back when you were pregnant? You may want to grab another one if you ever decide to visit the bank on a holiday again.

Then there was me. When it was my turn I took a lesson from Mr. Considerate. Pulled up, wad of tissues and my card already in hand, swiftly accomplished my transaction (very swiftly since I was also holding my breath) and moved along. 

But before it was ever my turn, there I was, studying the ATM line societal microcosm, bopping to the car radio, turned up a little too loud and with the windows open despite the heat. To the car stuck behind my while I was singing and dancing in my seat . . . sorry. Just call me Ms. So You Think You Can Dance.

Vegetable Ranch Tortellini Salad

                                                                          ©www.BakingInATornado.com
 
Printable Recipe
 
Ingredients:
7 oz cheese filled tortellini
1/2 cup ranch dressing
2 TBSP balsamic vinaigrette dressing
1 TBSP fresh parsley
2 tsp honey
1 tsp chives 
2 slices bacon cooked, cooled and chopped
1/2 small cucumber, peeled and chopped
8 grape tomatoes, halved
1 medium carrot, very thinly sliced (I use a peeler)
1/2 cup cooked, cooled broccoli florets

Directions:
*Cook tortellini according to package directions. Drain and rinse a few times with cold water. Drain well and set aside in the refrigerator.
*Whisk together the ranch dressing, balsamic vinaigrette, honey, fresh parsley, chives and bacon bits.
*When the tortellini has cooled, add the vegetables to the bowl, drizzle the dressing over the top and gently fold together.
*Keep covered in the refrigerator until ready to serve, gently mixing now and then.

You’ve Been Served

Last month I wrote a serious post about a little boy in England who came home from school with a bill in his backpack from the family of a birthday boy whose party he agreed to but didn’t attend. What happened next is just as astounding as the attempt to bill. Now I’m the first to say that this situation is not funny, I think parents can either defuse a situation or escalate it. Every parent in that situation escalated. This is where bullying comes from. Figure it out.

But I also have to admit that the idea is intriguing, isn’t it? I mean, I could SO get into billing people for their rude behavior, couldn’t you?

*To the guy who sneaks up the turn lane then cuts over in heavy traffic: check your mail.

*To the doctor who’s an hour late for our appointment, then barely takes the time to hear me out: you’ve been served.

*To the lady in the 10 items or less check-out land at the grocery store with 487 items: you can pay this cashier after you’ve paid that cashier.

*While we’re on the subject of the grocery store, to the lady at the deli counter who doesn’t take a number and just jumps right in: I see you! Get out your wallet.

*To whoever bought that last bottle of Citronge I’d gone all the way to the only liquor store around that carries it to purchase. Grrrrr. Check your mail. And guard your liquor cabinet.

*To anyone who tries to tell me that I can’t serve Carrot and Pear bread as a fruit and vegetable with dinner: I reject your 2 cents worth, but I’ll take your 2 cents.

Carrot and Pear Bread

*To everyone within a 2 mile radius of my house who does not cover your garbage can on the windiest of days, pay up.

*To the pharmacy that insists on taking all of my personal information, including all of my phone numbers, then waits until I’ve driven up there and am standing at the counter to tell me that my prescription won’t be ready until tomorrow: I’ve got a bill for you. And I don’t take insurance.

*To the weather people on every local television station who convinced me, convinced us all, that there was a 100% chance of a substantial snow fall: you owe me. Not just money, but an afternoon of my life back.

*To the newspaper delivery person who, every time it pours, can’t get our paper past the very end of our driveway: check your mail.

*To the people who live on the other side of the woods behind our house who leave their dog outside to bark all day long throughout the entire summer: check your backpack. Or check your briefcase. Oh, and watch your back.

Ok, so I may never be able to implement my plan. But let me tell you that although I may not be any richer, but I sure do feel better.

Carrot and Pear Bread

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com
 
Printable Recipe
 
Ingredients:
1/2 cup pecans
2 tsp white vinegar
A little less than 3/4 cup milk
¾ # carrots (I used ¾ of a 1 # package of baby carrots)
2 pears
1 stick butter, softened
1 cup brown sugar
2 large eggs, room temperature
¼ cup maple syrup, room temperature
2 1/4 cups flour
2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp pumpkin pie spice
¼ tsp cinnamon
 
Directions:
*Toast your pecans in a 350 degree oven for approximately 5 – 6 minutes. When you remove the pecans, leave the oven on.
*Put the vinegar into a ¾ cup measuring cup. Fill the cup the rest of the way with milk. Set aside.
*Peel the carrots if not already peeled. Add to a food processor and grate.
*Core and peel the pear.
*Cream the butter and brown sugar. Beat in the eggs, milk mixture and maple syrup. Mix in the carrots.
*Add the pear and pecans to the food processor and pulse until coarsely chopped. Mix into the butter mixture.
*In a small bowl, whisk the flour, baking powder, baking soda, brown sugar, salt, pumpkin spice and cinnamon.
*Mix the wet ingredients into the dry ingredients just until incorporated. Don’t over mix.
*Spray a loaf pan with non-stick spray. Pour the dough into the prepared pan. Bake for 60 – 70 minutes or until the center springs back to the touch.
*Cool for 10 minutes. Run knife around the edge and gently use it to lift bread from the bottom to loosen the bread. Remove from pan and allow to cool completely.