Dueling Convictions, Right or Rights

 This post has been exceedingly difficult to write. For someone like me who can make any short story long, that's saying a lot. There's so much emotion involved in examining our personal convictions, how committed we are to them. But I'm concerned that in my attempt to adequately express my conflicting beliefs, I risk sounding insensitive. 

 

Although the issue I'm struggling with has been in the spotlight for years, and come to the forefront as a full-fledged #MeToo movement this past year, our personal round of familial discussions was precipitated by a conversation I had with College Boy last month. Since then, I've attempted to explore my feelings and write this post, without success.

 

I've been trying to balance what seems to be opposing thoughts, articulate what feels to me like diametrically opposed beliefs and, as a result, come to terms with how inadequate being conflicted on this particular issue has made me feel.

 

One strategy I frequently use to work things through is to just sit down and write out my feelings, even in disjointed thoughts and partial sentences. As the words flow, I start to see how to put them together in a cohesive manner. Not this time. 

 

I've also tried thinking about it not only as a whole but in pieces, then deliberately giving it a rest, not actively thinking about it at all. Often if I go to the kitchen and focus my mind on a task, the issue works itself out in the background, my thoughts solidify. Not this time.

 

 

Zoodle Side Salad

 

 

Let me start with the back story:

A little over a month ago, someone sent College Boy a link. It was to a news story about one of the owners of a business College Boy had worked for last year. I need to mention here that although this man's position in the business is well known in the community and among employees, and he was actively involved in the day to day running of the company in all of the ways an owner would be, the business is now not only claiming he was not an owner, but had a lawyer send my son a letter threatening to sue him if he continues to talk on social media, as others are, about this man's position in the company. 

 

Anyway, back to the link. It was to a news story about this man's arrest. He had been accused of child sexual assault. The incident was reported by the child's mother who was informed of the situation when her children returned from spending a few days with friends.

 

Not much (any) thought needs to go into how you feel about something like that. We were heartbroken for the child and her family, furious about the despicable mom shaming comments we saw on many social media links to the article, and sickened by the situation as a whole. 

 

For us, it didn't take the #MeToo movement to solidify our support for anyone who reports a sexual assault. It didn't take Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Epstein, Warren Jeffs, Larry Nassar . . . to exemplify how emotionally wrenching it is for victims to step into the unforgiving limelight. Nor did it take Anita Hill or Christine Blasey Ford for us to know the brutality inflicted on those victims who come forward.  

So then why the conflict?

Out of curiosity, not realizing where it would lead, I asked my son what he would have done if he'd still been working for this company. "Would you stay?" I asked him, "Or would you leave?"

"I think I'd most likely leave," he answered. 

 

"So then what about innocent until proven guilty?" I then asked. "Where does that factor in? Or does it?"

 

Because I watch a lot of true crime shows, I know there are not just predators, but there are also unscrupulous people who have used allegations of sexual assault in child custody negotiations, assault and murder defenses, for all kinds of nefarious manipulative reasons.

 

It's difficult, when someone's been arrested for a heinous crime, to give them the benefit of the doubt. The accusation is out there, along with an assumption that there wouldn't have been an arrest without enough evidence to satisfy the warrant process. But there are those instances in which it just isn't true.

I would never, ever, under any circumstance, do anything other than support someone coming forward with an accusation of sexual abuse, assault, or rape. There's no question that accusers should be afforded their voice, as well as having emotional, physical, and legal services available to them. I believe we need to not only acknowledge those who have suffered, but pave the way for them to feel safe confronting their abuse. 

And I know that the only way we'll get there is by believing all of the accusers. I don't pretend to have all the information, but those who come forward publicly, how can you not have a visceral response to their anguish? It's all consuming. Their palpable pain is right there in front of you. And it's why I'm having a hard time reconciling that support, with a basic tenet of our legal system, the presumption of innocence until proven guilty.

Why do I feel like a traitor when I say that?

Maybe because I see the statute of limitations as being a critical issue, a road block in both healing and resolution. What if it's run out? What then? When rights usurp right? No resolution for anyone, either party, and the possibility that our system enables sexual predators to continue victimizing. 

 

There should be no statute of limitation for any sexual crimes. Period.

 

But this doesn't even scratch the surface of the interlocking issues involved. Like what about Ghislaine Maxwell? Can I possibly not think she's guilty? What about the inequities in our legal system based on financial status, race, sex, even politics? Can I possibly not question the system when a Maria Farmer initially went to the FBI to report her rape by Epstein and Maxwell back in 1996 and nothing happened? In fact, I have a hard time not thinking that the FBI, by not pursing a case back then, isn't actually complicit in all that Epstein and Maxwell were free to continue doing from that time forward. And when they finally acted, what about Epstein's absurd plea deal back in 2008? What is fair about 13 months with work release?

I don't know. Any of it. All of it. I just don't know.

 

For my son, in this specific situation, the answer to stay or go wasn't a battle. He says that he would leave because he got to know this man, and was able to form his own opinion as to the guy's character. He told me that he'd leave because, despite the presumption of innocent until proven guilty, the alleged behavior is not inconsistent with what College Boy knows of him.

And me? I know that for many this is a black and white issue, and I get that. I so want to be part of the solution, but I'm still struggling with carving out a little circle of grey.

 

Zoodle Side Salad        

                                                                                      ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups fresh zucchini spirals or a 10 oz frozen package

1/2 cup pignolis

1 medium carrot

3/4 cup mini herb marinate mozzarella cheese balls

3/4 cup grape tomatoes

1/3 cup olive oil

2 TBSP red wine vinegar

1 tsp garlic powder

1/2 tsp onion powder

2 tsp Italian seasoning

1/4 tsp pepper

1/2 tsp salt

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

*Cook the zoodles until just barely soft. For fresh spirals, it will take about 1 1/2 minutes in the microwave. For frozen zoodles it will take about 3 1/2 minutes in the microwave. Once cooked, drain on a paper towel and immediately refrigerate in a bowl.

*Spread the pignolis onto a small baking tray (toaster oven size), and place in the oven. Mix after about 2 minutes, check after 2 more minutes, once they just barely start to brown, they're done. Remove from the tray and set aside to cool.

*Shred the carrot (I just use a potato peeler), cut the cheese balls and the grape tomatoes in half.

*Once the zoodles are cool, add the carrot, cheese, and tomatoes to the bowl.

*Whisk together the olive oil, red wine vinegar, garlic powder, onion powder, Italian seasoning, salt and pepper. Add to the bowl with the zoodles and gently mix together. Cover and refrigerate at least an hour, gently mixing now and then.

*To serve, sprinkle with the toasted pignoli nuts.

Ghostless: Secret Subject Swap

 

Welcome a Secret Subject Swap. This month 6 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. Read through mine and at the bottom you’ll find links to all of today’s other Secret Subject participants.

 

 

 

My subject is: Do you believe in ghosts? Have you ever seen one? Or if not, tell us a fun ghost story.
It was submitted by: Jenniy of Climaxed.

This prompt had me headed to the way-back machine. Sorry, you young 'uns who don't know what I'm talking about, think Back to the Future or Hot Tub Time Machine, but just for looking, not for changing anything. Did that help? 

Anyway, I wrote a couple of posts in the past, not about ghosts per se, but along those lines. The first one was called Janet Knows, written in 2013 and it actually started out as a reaction to a television show about a medium. I was quite skeptical about the medium, but about the whole idea of ghosts, I was more on the fence. I had, after all, seen signs. You should read that post btw, it's sweet. 

The second post I went to find was one I wrote in 2016 about my stepfather, called A Smile and a Wink. It's similar to the other post in nature (and I recommend you read this one too), about signs.

My conclusion was not so much about whether I believe in the physical manifestation of ghosts, I really don't. It's more tied to the Jewish tradition of naming our children after the dead. 

Hmm, that sounds kinda creepy, but it's not, it's an honor. I believe we keep people alive, not physically of course, but in our lives and in our thoughts, in many ways, one of which is through their names. When the boys were little, I'd tell stories of the people they were named after whenever they asked about their names. To me, it felt like I was introducing them to people who'd had meaning in my life, but who they would never actually be able to meet.

I also believe that these people have a place, and even a purpose in my everyday life. Whether these signs of them is something I'm responsible for, or something these cherished friends and family members I'd lost are doing from beyond, remains unknown. And I think I like that.

But I've never actually seen a ghost, not with my own admittedly analytical eyes. Possibly it's because it seems absurd to me that dead people wander around among us, walking through walls, unable to "move on," or angry because we're living in their house, or just plain finding joy in scaring the bejeezus out of us. Maybe it's because I'm not open to it, too controlled and rational, too quick to reason rather than believe. 

Yet . . . 

I was making dinner just a few months ago, right around Halloween time, and while I was cooking, a friend stopped by. 

 

Crockpot Tortellini Casserole

We started talking about visiting Halloween haunted house attractions, which I love, when she asked me a question. She'd seen a post on FB about what was supposed to be one of the most haunted places in the country. An abandoned asylum or house or castle or something. The person who'd posted the picture did so with a question: would you go in here? So, my friend wanted to know, would I?

With all I've said in this post, you'd think I'd say "yes." After all, I've never actually seen a ghost, I am more than a little skeptical of mediums, and believe that there's a difference between signs from loved ones and actual . . . you know . . . ectoplasm.

My answer, though, once I thought about it, was this: yes I'd go in, but only in the daytime, and not alone.

So . . . the long and the short of it is a wishy washy "yes and no" in response to that question Jenniy asked me about whether I believe in ghosts. She did give me an option to answering it, though. Would you rather I'd have told you a fun ghost story? 

Sorry, my bad. 

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Wandering Web Designer 
A 'lil HooHaa 

Climaxed 

Part-time Working Hockey Mom

The Crazy Mama Llama 

Crockpot Tortellini Casserole

                                                              ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

 

NOTE: I make this dish meatless, but have added a meat option for those who want it. 

You can also bake it in a casserole dish in the oven, covered, at 375 for an hour.

Ingredients: 

1 bag (36 oz) frozen cheese tortellini 

1 cup mushrooms, cleaned, trimmed and sliced

1/2 cup chopped red (or green) pepper

1/2 cup chopped onion 

2 cups fresh spinach

3 cups marinara sauce (I use my Homemade Marinara)

1/3 cup shredded mozzarella cheese

OPT: 2 Italian sausages or 1 cup ham, cooked and chopped

Directions:

*Spray the bowl of your slow cooker with non-stick spray. Turn the crockpot on to low.
*Spoon 1 cup of marinara sauce into the bottom of the slow cooker. Top with 1/2 of the tortellini, 1/2 cup of mushrooms, 1/4 cup of peppers, 1/4 cup of onion, 1 cup of spinach, and one of the chopped meat, if using. 

*Repeat all of the layers. Top with the last cup of marinara and the shredded cheese.

*Cook on low for 5 hours.