Humor Me: Fly on the Wall

 

Welcome to our monthly Fly on the Wall, a blog post written in snippets. Marcia, Diane, and I invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes, at our writing desks, and in our worlds. Come on in, buzz around, see what we've been up to. Bet you laugh! 

Don't you just hate when people try to finish your sentence before you can get your point across? Well, now we have electronics for that. 

I thought I'd heard something mentioned about a holiday on a Saturday in the middle of May. I didn't know of one, but I wouldn't want to miss a reason to celebrate. 

I know Mother's Day was on a Sunday, and Memorial Day is on a Monday. What was I missing?

So I decided to google the rest of the Saturdays in May starting with tomorrow. 

I googled "Sat May 23"

And before I could even finish my sentence with "holidays," google comes back with: 

"do you mean what is Barack Obama's SAT score?"

Ummm, no.

And another one:

I don't use the cloud, I find it difficult to even figure out how to pick one since my laptop is not an Apple and my iPad is.

But my laptop had been acting a little wonky and I do need to be sure I don't lose all of my files and documents and pictures. For now, I keep everything important on a memory stick PurDude moved everything to for me a year ago.

My older son uses an external hard drive. I decided to look into that as an option for me. So I googled: "does an external"

and before I even finished my sentence, Google made suggestions as to how I might finish that inquiry:

"hemorrhoid ever go away?"

Nope, not what I was going for. Not even close.

I think poor Hubs is getting senile. I'm not saying having to deal with me isn't a factor in his confusion, but still.

We have a VPN that we have to use on all electronics or we'll get hacked. Older Son had updated the VPN and it asked him to sign back in. He didn't know the log-in, so he called me over. I called Hubs over.

I gave College Boy the email account used for the login, it's Hubs' email, and the password. 

Then I turned to Hubs:

Me: You'll have to check your email, see if there's one from our VPN provider, see if a confirmation is required.

Hubs: Well, I was on my email about an hour ago and there was nothing from them.

Me (rolling my eyes): They wouldn't have emailed you an hour ago unless they have ESP.

Oy.

And later the same day:

I had tried out a new dessert recipe, using nectarines.

Me: Do you want to try out this recipe.

Hubs: What is it?

Me (showing it to him): It's a Nectarine Crumble.

Hubs: Yeah, I'll try it.

Me: Do you want me to heat it up or at room temperature?
Him: Heat it up.

Me: Do you want ice cream or whipped cream and/or caramel syrup?
Hubs: I'll have just whipped cream.

I place the bowl in front of him:

Hubs (looking down at the crumble): Now nectarines, those are oranges?

Me: No, that would be tangerines.

Oy.

I missed National Pistachio Day, it was in February, but I'm bringing out the pistachios today because you know what season we're heading into?

No-bake dessert season. 

Yes, that's a thing.

Cookouts, potlucks, graduation parties, block parties and soon (I hope) pool parties. 

And I've just come up with a new favorite. Try my Orange Pistachio No-Bake Bars for your next party occasion.

You can pretend it's February if it makes you happy. But personally? I'd think you're nuts.

Stop rolling your eyes, that was at least a little funny. Come on, humor me.

Orange Pistachio No-Bake Bars

There was a time when commercials were amusing, laugh out loud funny, even. Not any more. Or not deliberately, anyway.

I found myself laughing at a cell phone commercial the other day. Laughing at them, not with them.

The ad was for a Galaxy phone and was being marketed as having the world's first privacy display. Turns out, if you turn it away from the person next to you (the commercial had 2 women on their phones while on an elevator, one sort of looking over at the other), the screen goes dark so the other person can't see what you're doing.

Who wants to tell Galaxy that although it doesn't go dark, I could always just turn my phone away and no one else could see it.

Duh. LOL.

 

Hubs was at work and texted me to let me know he was coming home. When he walked in the door, he told me that there was something wrong with his phone and he could text but not call.

He showed me, standing next to me and trying to call my cell. He could not, and his phone said that he could make emergency calls only, he is not connected to a carrier. I tried calling him and my cell works, but I could not get through to him.

When we googled it, the suggestion was to power the phone off and then back on. If that didn't work, it could be a SIM card issue.

He pressed and held his power off button, but it wouldn't power off. Fortunately, Older Son was outside, and he came in to show us an alternate way to shut down the cell (who knew?). It worked. He called me and the call went through.

Next thing I know, he's downstairs calling my cell. He never does that, always just comes up. So I answered:

Me: Hello.

Hubs: Hello.

Me: Why are you calling me?
Hubs: Because I can.

When it comes to banking, I do it the old fashioned way. I keep a check register. I don't know of any other way to keep track of where we stand. I do go into the bank app weekly, mostly to be sure I don't see any debits that shouldn't be going out, and to add any credits that I know are being direct deposited, but the amounts vary. But there are auto debits, pending payments, and the rare check written that don't yet show up in the bank app, the check register being the best place to see the most comprehensive picture.

I had gone into the bank app last Friday and saw that there was a huge discrepancy between what I showed we had and what the bank showed. Yikes. And not in our favor (is it ever?) either. I ended up going back through the bank account line by line, and the check register line by line.

Turns out that the ending balance of a check register from 6 months ago showed one amount. And the number Hubs started the next check register was different. Very different.

Me: What did you do when you started this new check register, just pick out a number in your head?
Hubs: Oh, is that a bad thing?

Me: That depends, how dependent are you on the lights coming on when you flip the switch, and water being available when you're standing in the shower?

 

I've talked before about being infuriated with the lack of privacy when online. How, if I look at an item, I get tons of ads for that same item across social media.

You can also see it in recommendations for who I should follow on different social media platforms. Usually they are stores, often they are food related.

And as angry as I am at how those recommendations make it clear I'm being watched, I also get to laugh when they get it so very wrong.

Like this week, twitter (no, I don't call it X), just suggested that I might like to follow Burger King Indonesia.

Yeah, you may need to work on that algorithm. You could not be any further off base.

I started this post with a little humor about Google's suggested ending to some of my queries. I'm going to end today with some suggestions to made up questions. I picked a few random questions, just to see what might pop up. Could be funny, right?

I asked: What time does . . . Google answered: McDonald's breakfast end?

     McDonald's? I thought I was supposed to be a fan of Burger King Indonesia.

I asked: How many times . . . Google answered: should I poop a day?

     Don't want to know, but is there a number? Maybe I should know.

I asked: Where are . . . Google answered: the rams from?

     Seems these bighorn sheep originally came from Siberia. So, if I'm ever on Jeopardy and it comes up . . .

I asked: Could I do . . . Google answered: one more immediately?

     We're not talking about poops again, are we?

I asked: Can a call . . . Google answered: duck be potty trained?

     Apparently not, seems they don't have a sphincter muscle.

OK, I may have too much time on my hands, but at least I'm not obsessed with a certain body function (I'm looking at you, Google).

 

Now click on the links below and see what my friends have to share:

Menopausal Mother 

On the Border

Orange Pistachio No-Bake Bars

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups graham cracker crumbs, divided

5 TBSP butter, melted

1 box (3 oz) orange jello mix

1/4 cup orange juice

1/3 cup canned mandarin oranges, drained, patted dry, chopped

1 box (3.4 oz) pistachio pudding mix

1 3/4 cups milk

8 oz cream cheese, softened

3/4 cup powdered sugar, divided

3/4 cup heavy cream

3/4 cup pistachios, peeled and finely chopped

Directions:

*Grease an 8 X 11 baking dish.

*Dissolve orange jello mix in 1 cup of boiling water, mix in the orange juice, and refrigerate.

*Mix the graham cracker crumbs with the melted butter and press into the bottom of the prepared baking dish. Refrigerate.

*Whisk together the milk and the pistachio pudding. Set aside.

*Beat the cream cheese with 1/2 cup of powdered sugar, then beat in 1 1/4 cups of the pudding, reserving the remaining pudding for another layer.

*Separately, beat the remaining powdered sugar and the heavy cream until stiff peaks hold. Fold 1 cup of the whipped cream into the cream cheese/pudding mixture. Carefully spread evenly over the crust, top with half of the chopped pistachios, and refrigerate for 15 minutes.

*When set, sprinkle the mandarin orange pieces onto the pistachios, then whisk 1/4 cup of the whipped cream into the jello. Carefully pour evenly into the pan (the pistachios and oranges will mix into the jello) and refrigerate for 10 minutes.

*Fold the remaining whipped cream into the remaining pudding and layer into the pan. Decorate the top with the remaining chopped pistachios.

*Refrigerate for at least 3 hours before slicing. Store leftovers, covered, in the refrigerator.

Seventeen Pies for Pi Day

 

Pies for Pi Day. Genius!

Pi Day, where have you been all my life? I had never heard of it before. Well, I mean, I was aware of all of the components: I knew that pi is 3.14 . . . and I knew that 3/14 was a yearly date on the calendar, and I certainly knew that any and every reason to eat pie is a good reason. What I didn't know is that some brilliant person put all of that together and started the yearly Pi Day celebration.

I was first enlightened when my kids were in elementary school. The was a celebration planned and any parents who could were asked to send in a pie. The results would be a mile long (OK, I may be exaggerating a little, but it was a sight to see) table full of an epic pie smorgasbord.

Sign me up. The boys picked their favorite pie for me to send in, and I made another for our family for dessert that night.

It doesn't matter if you're a Pi Day veteran, or a Pi Day newbie, if you have favorite pies, or are looking for some new ideas, whatever the situation, I am SO here for you.

Whether you prefer fruit, chocolate, nuts, ice cream, alcohol infused, or lead free, baked or no baked, I've got options for you. Today I'm sharing 17 of our favorite pi(e) recipes, hoping some of them become your new favorites too.

Oh, and why 17? Did you figure it out? 3 + 14 for 3/14, of course.

Links to all of my recipes are listed below, from the top left (#1) to the bottom right (#17)

1) Caramel Apple Crumble

Tart (or semi-tart) apples offset the creamy caramel candies melted into this crumble. Baked with, of course, a crunchy brown sugar topping.

2) Nutella Krisp Pie

The filling in this single crust pie includes Nutella, crispy chocolate cereal, and butterfingers bits. A chocolate lovers' dream.

3) Spiced Pie with Pecans

This adults only version of pecan pie is spiced and spiked.

4) Chocolate Raspberry Ice Cream Pie

This ice cream pie features raspberry flavors along with the crunch of chocolate cookies. Easy to assemble, perfect for making ahead.

5) Chocolate Peppermint Pie

The flavor of a peppermint patty in pie form. The crust can be made a day in advance, and the filling is no bake.

6) Strawberry Biscoff Ice Cream Pie

This beautiful ice cream pie pairs strawberry and speculoos (cookie Butter).

7) French Toast Pumpkin Pie

As delicious as it is pretty, this pumpkin filling is mixed with a hint of cream cheese, and baked in a circle of cinnamon French toast sticks.

8) Brownie Butterfingers Pie

This pie is a dressed up option to brownie squares. A walnut crust and brownie filling with bits of butterfingers.

9) Berry White Chocolate Chip Pie

This pie features yur choice of berries, baked into a pie crust and topped with a white chocolate chip crumble.

10) Spiked Caramel Pie

Amaretto is paired with caramel in this decadent pie.

11) Berry Key Lime Pie in a Nut Crust

Witth a unique crust and the addition of berries, this pie is a delicious take on a classic pie.

12) Apple Wassail Pie

Add the flavors of the traditional hot apple drink to your apple pie.

13) Tropical Fruit Pie

A walnut crust has a creamy orange pineapple center and is garnished with toasted coconut.

14) Almond White Chocolate Cranberry Pie

Almonds, cranraisins, and white chocolate chips provide the flavor in this easy to make dessert.

15) Peach Pecan Pie

A classic pie with a fruity spin. So easy, the filling is mixed up in just one bowl, then pour into the crust and bake.

16) Brownie Crusted Mint Ice Cream Pie

Mint chocolate mix-ins are folded into ice cream and frozen in a brownie crust.

17) Raspberry Prosecco Pie

This unique pie features raspberry and Prosecco, a perfect pairing.

Happy Baking! Happy Eating! Happy Pi(e) Day!

Counting Teeth and Traveling Toilets: Fly on the Wall

Welcome to our monthly Fly on the Wall, a blog post written in snippets. Marcia, Diane, Sarah, and I invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes, at our writing desks, and in our worlds. Come on in, buzz around, see what we've been up to. Bet you laugh! 

I knew I was going to use the grill for dinner, so I went out in the morning to uncover it. I hadn't yet dressed, was only wearing a long t-shirt and my underwear, but it was really early so I didn't think twice.

The ties on the grill cover are really low. I bent down to undo one side, then went over to do the other. When I stood back up, I was mortified.

Hubs saw me coming back into the kitchen.

Hubs: What were you doing out on the deck so early?

Me: Apparently, mooning the neighbors.

And now I won't be leaving the house anytime soon. Or ever.

College boy has a day job and a side gig. The day job really was a toxic environment. He had been there over 2 years, but one day he'd just had enough and gave his notice. They tried to get him to stay, but he was done.

Within a week he had 3 offers, and we were going through the pros and cons, talking it through with him as he made his choice. We talked about the companies, the culture, the pay, and the position itself.

We were also talking about the dress codes, some companies more casual than others.

College Boy (referring to one of the companies, a drug company): Well, I won't have to worry about what I wear there, they said that they'll provide a full body hazmat suit.

Me: That one's a NO.

College Boy: But . . .

Me (interrupting him): No, nope, that's a HARD no.

I probably don't need to tell you that we're into the height of pothole season. And Hubs? He hits every single one.

We were out on a Saturday afternoon when Hubs hit what felt like a meteor crater.

Me: Oof.

Hubs: You OK?

Me (with my fingers in my mouth): mgfffthf.

Hubs (looking at me): What are you doing?
Me: Counting my teeth.

I was sitting out on my front porch when I saw this woman walk by. She was holding a rope that was attached to a tricycle that was trailing right behind her. 

And I spent the rest of the day wondering how long it was going to take her to turn around and realize that somewhere along the way she lost the kid.

College Boy had asked if he could store some stuff in our garage. I agreed that he could have one large box, but I don't want him filling that whole third garage with junk. And PurDude parks there, so when he comes to visit, he'll need to move that stuff out or to one of the storage rooms in the basement.

I was on my way out to do an errand when I saw that his box was piled high, with more stuff behind and beside it. I wasn't happy.

I was at the drug store waiting in line to pay, when he apparently had seen my car out front and came in. As he was walking towards me, I looked up:

Me (angrily): You're out of your box.

College Boy: Sorry, I'll head home.

Woman in line behind me (looking back and forth between College Boy and I) to College Boy, angrily: She keeps you in a box?

Me: Well, where do you keep your grown children?

Lemon Strawberry Refrigerator Bars

There's a page that often ends up in my FB feed that promotes unique ideas and solutions for everyday occurrences. Many of them are fascinating, or helpful. But often they're what I would call way too far off the deep end.

This one at first had me cringing, but honestly, I've been laughing ever since.

Apparently it's a genius idea for how to eat your snacks on a plane? 

Ummm, yeah, I'm gonna take a hard pass on wearing a toilet.

I've mentioned before that a few times a year, PurDude and his college friends, now scattered across the country, plan a vacation together. Mostly it's within the states, but the last one was to Japan.

My son knows that I like to have his itinerary whenever he travels. This month they were going to Seattle. A few days before leaving, he texted me:

PurDude: Here's my flight information, Mom, I leave the day after tomorrow.

Me: Can't wait to hear about the trip, are you packed?

PurDude (who does nothing in advance): No, not yet.

Me: Not surprised. Looks like it's a long fight, don't forget to bring your toilet seat on the plane.

PurDude: My toilet seat?

Me: In case you want to have a snack on the plane.

PurDude: I think you need your meds adjusted.

Me: Maybe . . .

 

Speaking of toilets. Found this cereal on the Walmart website, and I just want to say . . . well, I actually don't know what to say.

I do have a lot of questions, though.

It always surprises me when people use words just for emphasis without any thought to what they mean.

I was watching a true crime show where a woman was confronting her husband about rumors she'd heard about him cheating with a woman about half his age.

Cheater (to his wife): You think I'm cheating? With her? She's literally 100 years younger than me.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't understand the concept of "literally." 

Seriously!

The fly was witness to some sadness this month too.

I enjoy all of the friendships I've made via this blog and the social media accounts I've created in support of my writing. One of those long time virtual friends is Barb. She interacts on my Baking In A Tornado FB page daily. We're friends on our private FB accounts too, our politics and social justice views align perfectly.

I hadn't heard from her for a few days, so I sent her a PM, just checking in to be sure she was OK. Her grandson answered. She wasn't.

The next morning, I shared a post on the Baking In A Tornado page. I was careful neither to tag her page, or even to mention her last name. I didn't want to step on the family's toes.

So I shared this graphic 

and said:

"Heartbroken today after a PM conversation last night with the grandson of a woman who had been so active on this page for years. We traded silly poems every day as she responded with her own funny rhymes to all of my Connections poems. I've SO enjoyed her sharp wit, intelligence, social stance, and fun word pay. I never met her, but I will miss Barb so much. My heart goes out to her family."

That day, my post was reacted to and commented on by member of my FB page community, many people who knew Barb via interactions there. 

The second day more people reacted. When I looked at the list of names, I jolted.

Barb.

I don't know who in her family saw my post, or how they saw it, but they used her account to "like" it. After I got over the initial shock, I had a wave of sadness. 

But in the end, I smiled.

 

Now click on the links below and see what my friends have to share:

Menopausal Mother 

On the Border 

What TF Sarah

Lemon Strawberry Refrigerator Bars

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

14 lemon creme sandwich cookies, divided

14 strawberry creme sandwich cookies, divided

2 TBSP butter, chopped

1 box (3 oz) strawberry jello mix

1 box (3.4 oz) instant lemon pudding mix

OPT: 2 drops yellow food coloring

1 3/4 cups milk

1 (8 oz) package cream cheese, room temperature

3/4 cup powdered sugar, divided

3/4 cup heavy cream

OPT: lemon peel twists and a halved strawberry for garnish

Directions

*Grease an 8 X 11 baking dish.

*In a food processor, crush 6 of each of the cookie to crumbs. Set aside.

*Crush the remaining cookies with the butter until it holds together when pinched with your fingers. Press into the bottom of the baking dish. Refrigerate.

*Boil 1 cup of water. Add the strawberry jello mix and stir to dissolve. Refrigerate.

*Whisk the lemon pudding mix with the milk (and yellow food coloring, if desired) for 2 minutes. Set aside.

*Beat the cream cheese and 1/2 cup of the powdered sugar until smooth. Beat in 1 1/4 cups of the pudding.

*Separately, beat the heavy cream with the remaining powdered sugar until stiff peaks hold. Fold 1 cup of the whipped cream into the cream cheese mixture. Spread over the cookies in the baking pan, sprinkle with about 2/3 of the reserved cookie crumbs, and refrigerate for 15 minutes. 

*Remove 1/4 cup of the whipped cream and refrigerate. Fold the remaining whipped cream into the remaining lemon pudding and refrigerate separately.

*Once the lemon layer is set, whisk the reserved 1/4 cup of whipped cream into the jello. Pour evenly over the lemon layer and refrigerate for 10 minutes.

*Remove the remaining whipped cream and pudding mix from the refrigerator and spread over the jello layer. Top with the rest of the reserved cookie crumbs (and lemon peel curls and strawberry halves, if desired). Refrigerate for at least 3 hours before slicing, but overnight is best. Cover and refrigerate any leftovers.