Thursday, November 22, 2012

In This Month

To my son in the month of a very special birthday:


I don’t know what to say to you. I know what I feel, but I’m not sure words do the depth of these feelings justice.

It was a battle for you to even have been born.  Not just the InVitro, which  had only a 15% success rate at that time. There was also the threat to our lives from your ectopic twin, almost rupturing my tube while I was all alone in the middle of the night as the Tornado sirens were sounding. Together we made it through the emergency surgery to remove that tube.

When you were born, I remember all the parenting books saying that I should talk to you. So we’d sit in the rocker in my bedroom sitting room and I’d talk. Sometimes I’d be so tired that I didn’t even know what I was saying. Once I told you that if I knew the Theory of Relativity I’d teach it to you, but I didn’t know it. Did I really say that to an infant? I did.

You were always reticent. I remember going to play group and by the time you were ready to leave my lap and engage, it was over. Nonetheless we did everything together: Mommy and Me, Play group, Gymboree, Storytime. You name it, we did it.

You are, you always have been, a unique person. The perspective you bring to most everything makes me smile. Even when it’s infuriating me. Which, as you well know, is often.

When you started school, I went through withdrawal. I know you think that you started pre-school half days and then full days before elementary school to ease you in, but you weren’t the only one who needed easing.

When you started Kindergarten your teacher asked the parents to write a few words about their kids. I wrote a three page dissertation. But I had nothing to worry about, you were smart, athletic, happy, and popular. You made everyone laugh.

I volunteered in your classes weekly and was chosen the Head Room Mom in your classrooms every year. I practiced with you and then watched you achieve all of your belts in taekwondo, sat at baseball, soccer, basketball games, track meets, talent shows.

I knew all of your addictions, starting with Peter Jennings before you could even talk and right up through the unrelenting never-ending skateboarding days. The other Moms didn’t like their kids skateboarding. I bought tickets to the Huckjam, drove you to skate parks, read skaters’ biographies, sat downtown in 100 degree weather when a visiting skater came to town, even got on one myself while the neighbors stood outside with their cell phones ready to call an ambulance.

I rooted for you. I plead your case. I stuck up for you.

I don’t know what happened, Son. Really I don’t. I know some of it. I know that I didn’t know soon enough. I didn’t fight hard enough. The extent escaped me and I let you down. In a way that I can never make up for. I accept full responsibility.


I was recently told “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”. The example given was that if someone is in a wheelchair and you try to stand them up and each day they refuse to take a step, you eventually stop. I made it clear, in no uncertain terms, just how vehemently I reject this premise. That person must be stood, every day, no matter what. Because I’ll be damned if the one day he might have taken a step was going to  turn out to be the one day no one tried. Not on my watch.

I’d like to say that I’m supported in this battle, but clearly I’m not. I don’t care, I’ll fight alone. The one I miss the most is you.

You can keep beating me down, but I’ll keep standing back up. Because I’m standing for you.

I know that I’m now the enemy. I hope that someday you’ll forgive me and consider that I’m not fighting against you. I’m fighting for you. Even though it’s you I’m fighting.

I was recently challenged with putting my feelings about you into 20 words or less. Dissertations would not be accepted.  This is what I wrote:

All you’ve accomplished shows how strong you are.
All you’ve conquered shows how brave you are.
So Proud.  Every Day.

Happy Birthday.
I love you like crazy.
Mom


Chocolate Mint Cupcakes | www.BakingInATornado.com | #recipe

 Chocolate and Mint, I know all of your favorites



Baking In A Tornado signature | www.BakingInATornado.com | #MyGraphics



Chocolate Mint Cupcakes
                            ©www.BakingInATornado.com
Printable Recipe

Ingredients, Cake:
1 stick butter, softened
1 cup sugar
4 eggs
1 1/4 cups flour
3/4 tsp baking soda
1 can Hershey’s chocolate syrup (16 oz)
1 tsp vanilla

Ingredients, Frosting:
8 oz bar cream cheese, softened
1 stick butter, softened
3 1/2 cups powdered sugar
(up to) 3TBSP of milk
1 tsp mint extract
Green food coloring

Ingredients, Drizzle:
1/3 cup chocolate chips
2 TBSP heavy cream
1 tsp mint extract
1/4 cup powdered sugar

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 24 cupcake cups with paper liners.
*Beat butter, sugar and eggs until smooth.
* Mix in 1 cup of flour, then half of the chocolate syrup.
*Mix in the rest of the flour and the baking soda, then the rest of the chocolate syrup and the vanilla.
*Divide the batter into the 24 cupcake liners. Bake for approximately 18 minutes, or until the center springs back to the touch.  Cool completely.
*Beat the cream cheese and butter until smooth. Add the powdered sugar, mint extract and green food coloring.  Add the milk, 1 TBSP at a time until it’s a good piping consistency.  Put into piping bag and pipe onto cooled cupcakes.
*Melt the chocolate chips and heavy cream in the microwave for 30 seconds. Stir. Keep melting at 15 second intervals until smooth. Stir in the mint extract and powdered sugar. Drizzle over top of cupcakes.

38 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post about your son. You put the fierceness of the love Mothers feel and the fear of them growing up and apart into words so well.

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    1. Thanks, it's a wonderful and difficult time. Love is the constant.

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  2. Absolutely beautiful!!!!
    And I am sending you HUGS!!!!!!! From one mom to another.

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    1. Hugs much appreciated, Stacy. From one Mom to another, thank you.

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  3. Not sure why this struck me so, because it instantly brought tears to my eyes, maybe it's because i have 2 boys of my own who I love so much it nearly kills me. Thank god for your cupcake recipe at the end to allow me to pull it together. lol. Beautiful post.

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    1. Thank you. It was hard to write but I'm glad to have put all the feelings into words.

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  4. This is such a lovely post. You really love your son a lot. I hope he has a great birthday.

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  5. Thank you for sharing, and the mint chocolate cupcakes look AMAZING! I will definitely have to try out this recipe :)

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  6. Unconditional love is beautiful. What a beautiful post for your son.

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    1. Thank you. It was hard to write but I feel better for having written it.

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  7. What a beautiful post. I hope one day, whatever is between you and your son will ease and he will see your love still is so strong.

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  8. As I have sad before you have a gift with words and I am always taken into your stories. You are an amazing mother.

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    1. Thanks for your continued support. I love reading your blog as well.

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  9. I am currently fighting an epic battle with my oldest son. He recently moved out (not on the best of terms) and dropped out of college to work full-time. He was scheduled to graduate in May 2013. Its hard, but we fight because we love them and we will never give up the fight. I will pray that your situation with your son gets better as I am praying for mine.
    Jae Mac, I'm Just Sayin'...(Damn!)

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    1. I hope that your situation gets better for you as well. Thanks for sharing it with me, I know how difficult that is.

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  10. What a story...it's difficult to watch someone you love so much make their own mistakes and learn from them. Thanks so much for sharing with my NO RULES Weekend Blog Party :)

    Happy Birthday to your son...

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    1. It truly is so hard. If they learn and move on, it makes it all worth while.

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  11. This is a really beautiful post! Those last few words are really gorgeous. So proud, everyday day. Gorgeous!
    Happy Birthday to your son!

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  12. That is so amazing! Almost brought me to tears and I don't cry too often! Awww that was beautiful sweetie and thanks for the recipe! Yum! Hope to try it someday soon! xoxo

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    1. If you like mint and chocolate, you must try it. So yummy.

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  13. Wow. This absolutely brought tears to my eyes. I don't look forward to having a teenage son, but I know that, at the age of 8, I find myself fighting for him while fighting HIM. He's so stubborn and we don't get each other.
    You...you are an AWESOME mom.

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    1. Clearly you are in training for having a teenager. I read your blog so I know you'll do great!

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  14. Hope things work out for your son. With you on his team, it should. *hugs*

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    1. Thanks for the much needed hugs. I'm still fighting...

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  15. Sometimes being a mom is a really hard job. I hope I can always stand up for my daughter like you are doing for your son. Tears! You are amazing.

    That cupcake looks out of this world delicious.

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    1. Thanks Lillian, I know you'll be in your daughter's corner, always.

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  16. I see my future here and I hope I will be as strong as you are! Your son definitely knows how awesome you are, even if he may not show it!!

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    1. I don't think he thinks much of me now but hopefully some day...

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  17. I just want you to know it will come full circle. I know you wont give up as I didn't.
    My daughter and I similar to you and your son.She added demons trying to find herself drugs and drinking, every night while she lived what she called life I prayed she would live to see morning.i never stopped trying or loving. Then it happened years had passed and she showed up and was sober,she quit cold turkey .I hugged her crying I said I never stopped trying or loving you ....and she said I know ma,I know. You just held me to tight, we did everything together I couldn't breath. I was a young mother and thought I was doing everything right,I didn't know.but she said i kept knowing you loved me i never doubted that.Now at age 53 and her at 35 she has been sober almost 13 years and has 2 beautiful children and married. 18 months ago she was diagnoised with ovarian cancer and while battling that got bladder cancer.I was with her through it all. during that time lost my job of nine years, my employers said although my work was fine I wasn't the same person I was before my daughters cancer, I wasn't perky anymore. Really.
    Well I am glad I wasn't working on July 10th of this year when she held up a sign that said ...today I am cancer free! The tears just rolled down my face and I hugged her tight. I guess what I am trying to say is you did everything right and he like my daughter will show up one day , he just needs a little time. Cuz he too knows you love him.

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    1. I really don't have any words. Thank you for sharing this. It breaks my heart and it gives me hope.

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  18. Somehow I missed this when you originally wrote it. I linked over from your letter to son #2.
    And I just can't 'say' anything. Because I'm too busy 'feeling'.
    <3 <3 <3

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    1. I don't think we knew each other when I wrote this but I can tell you that over a year later I still remember how difficult this was to write.

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  19. You were able to sum up a Mother's Love in a few words beautifully! Great recipe.

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    1. Thank you. Being a Mom can be so hard sometimes.

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