Easy Does It, Work In Progress

My grandfather ( ליה השלום ) had a favorite saying. It was "easy does it."

Or maybe that was just his most used saying around me. I've always tended to be a bull in a china shop kinda girl.

But his point, better understood with maturity, has come to be not just about patience but a life lesson about mitigation, tempering the absolute.

Much of what I've tried to teach my boys, to model for them in my life, may not be what's expected. I don't swallow memes whole and spit them back out. Even absolutes like "don't hate." What they choose to internalize and what they choose to reject is, at this point, up to them, but my hope is that for them it's a process, it certainly has, and continues to be, for me. 

Lessons learning, as opposed to learned because we are, after all, a work in progress:


1) Don't scorn anyone who has not personally given you a reason:

~ Conversely, it's OK to dislike someone who has earned it. Hate is a sharp word, but let's not pretend it's wrong to use your experiences and your judgement to decide who belongs in your life and who does not. Taking a step back from what's harmful or hurtful, not being a doormat in a relationship that isn't symbiotic is actually a way to value yourself.

~ Confrontation isn't the best strategy here, avoidance it.

2) People change, have the grace to give them a second chance, but it's perfectly acceptable that you require they earn it.

~ Just as it's not in our best interest to be in toxic situations or have hurtful people in our lives, we also need to leave that door open just a crack. I've certainly needed to be afforded that opportunity.

Egalitarianism, I've come to realize, requires tipping the scales in order to balance them. I often responded to "Black Lives Matter" with "All Lives Matter." It came from a good place but many may not have heard it the way I meant it. They may have felt that I wasn't someone they wanted in their inner circle. College Boy helped me to understand how an answer I thought was all inclusive was actually insensitive. I hope that anyone I offended will give me another chance. The response to "all lives matter" that I've been seeing that resonates with me is "all lives can't matter until black lives matter." Well said.

I also want to address "Blue Lives Matter." Yes, they do. But Black Lives Matter and Blue Lives Matter have become a tug of war, taken on the inference that there's a need for one side to win and the other to lose. This serves no one.

Although I believe there needs to be a systemic change in police training to focus on "protect and serve," the deficits in the training with which our police force is currently equipped does not make all police bad people. Chances are, if they are bad people after police training, they were bad peole before training. Part of the systemic change also needs to be in higher standards in terms of character, weeding out those who might have a propensity to abuse power. The response to the current crisis in policing that I've been seeing that speaks to my point of view is "we train them to be military, then send them out to be social workers." Well said.

And to the preponderance of law enforcement officers who are decent people, making a difference, keeping us safe sometimes at the risk of their own lives, if you are made to feel unappreciated, please give us all another chance. Growth and change are not a judgement but a necessity in every profession.

3) Find a way to include without excluding.
~This can often be a challenging balance. I am in and run some FB groups out of necessity. With FB's self serving monetary-based "algorithms" blocking the majority of my friends and followers from seeing my posts, it was the only way to have the people who participate in the blogging challenges I run actually be assured to see timely announcements. Originally, though, I resisted groups. When people asked me to join theirs, I declined. It seemed to me that by including only people invited, it was also serving to exclude the people who were not. I acknowledge that some groups are a more efficient way to connect people with similar interests, but I still believe that if the original concept of FB hadn't become bastardized, forcing many of us to break off and insulate, if people could still freely see the posts of the people they've friended and the pages they took the time to like, there wouldn't be as much need for including at the price of excluding.

4) Keep what you need, give what you don't, share what you can.

~ Keep what you need: I don't believe in "give till it hurts". It's a worthy sentiment and there are people able to, even compelled to, live that way. Although I commend them, I also acknowledge that it's not for everyone. I think for some of us, were we to give till it hurts, we'd burn out. For most of us, we can best care for others if our own needs (and even some of our wants) are met. Keep what we need, that's a given.  

~ Give what you don't: There are certain things we associate with giving, like outgrown clothes and replaced appliances. There's so much more that we can do, though. Being more conscious of what we may waste, items we haven't used in too long, or, most importantly what we do with our time, all of these are opportunities. Look for them.

~ Share what you can: I always include recipes in my posts and you know I'm going to work it in here somewhere. Food is love and both food and love are easy to share. Donating to food banks has increased in importance since Covid interrupted our lives. Paying it forward in a take-out line is a fun trend that has emotional value. I've talked before about taking dinner to a family whose house flooded, about baking for the Wee Care volunteers. Food is sustenance for the body. Sharing is sustenance for the soul.

Blueberry Breakfast Bundt

~ Share what you can isn't just objects. I donate blood, I'm in the bone marrow registry, and I'm registered as an organ donor. 

Easy does it. Mitigate the absolute. Value others. Take care of you. ❤ 

Blueberry Breakfast Bundt

                                                         ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups frozen blueberries
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tube (8 count) refrigerated butter flavored biscuits
1 TBSP butter

1 TBSP powdered sugar

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Grease a bundt pan.
*Place the frozen blueberries in a colander and run under cold water for one minute, allowing to drain into the sink. They will be partially frozen.
*Place the blueberries onto paper towels and pat the excess water off of them.
*Mix together the brown sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg. Place the blueberries in a bowl with about half of this mixture, toss together, then spread evenly into the bottom of the bundt pan.
*Take the top layers off of the biscuits and arrange, overlapping slightly, over the blueberries. Sprinkle with about 2 TBSP of the brown sugar mixture, then top with the remaining biscuit halves.
*Melt the butter and mix with the remaining brown sugar mixture. Drizzle into the pan.
*Bake for 20 minutes. Allow to sit for 15 minutes in the pan. Run a knife around the edges, place a dish on the bundt pan and flip over. Place another dish on top and flip again, so the blueberries are on the bottom. 
*Serve sprinkled with powdered sugar.

In This Month

To my son in the month of a very special birthday:

I don’t know what to say to you. I know what I feel, but I’m not sure words do the depth of these feelings justice.

It was a battle for you to even have been born.  Not just the InVitro, which  had only a 15% success rate at that time. There was also the threat to our lives from your ectopic twin, almost rupturing my tube while I was all alone in the middle of the night as the Tornado sirens were sounding. Together we made it through the emergency surgery to remove that tube.

When you were born, I remember all the parenting books saying that I should talk to you. So we’d sit in the rocker in my bedroom sitting room and I’d talk. Sometimes I’d be so tired that I didn’t even know what I was saying. Once I told you that if I knew the Theory of Relativity I’d teach it to you, but I didn’t know it. Did I really say that to an infant? I did.

You were always reticent. I remember going to play group and by the time you were ready to leave my lap and engage, it was over. Nonetheless we did everything together: Mommy and Me, Play group, Gymboree, Storytime. You name it, we did it.

You are, you always have been, a unique person. The perspective you bring to most everything makes me smile. Even when it’s infuriating me. Which, as you well know, is often.

When you started school, I went through withdrawal. I know you think that you started pre-school half days and then full days before elementary school to ease you in, but you weren’t the only one who needed easing.

When you started Kindergarten your teacher asked the parents to write a few words about their kids. I wrote a three page dissertation. But I had nothing to worry about, you were smart, athletic, happy, and popular. You made everyone laugh.

I volunteered in your classes weekly and was chosen the Head Room Mom in your classrooms every year. I practiced with you and then watched you achieve all of your belts in taekwondo, sat at baseball, soccer, basketball games, track meets, talent shows.

I knew all of your addictions, starting with Peter Jennings before you could even talk and right up through the unrelenting never-ending skateboarding days. The other Moms didn’t like their kids skateboarding. I bought tickets to the Huckjam, drove you to skate parks, read skaters’ biographies, sat downtown in 100 degree weather when a visiting skater came to town, even got on one myself while the neighbors stood outside with their cell phones ready to call an ambulance.

I rooted for you. I plead your case. I stuck up for you.

I don’t know what happened, Son. Really I don’t. I know some of it. I know that I didn’t know soon enough. I didn’t fight hard enough. The extent escaped me and I let you down. In a way that I can never make up for. I accept full responsibility.

I was recently told “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink”. The example given was that if someone is in a wheelchair and you try to stand them up and each day they refuse to take a step, you eventually stop. I made it clear, in no uncertain terms, just how vehemently I reject this premise. That person must be stood, every day, no matter what. Because I’ll be damned if the one day he might have taken a step was going to  turn out to be the one day no one tried. Not on my watch.

I’d like to say that I’m supported in this battle, but clearly I’m not. I don’t care, I’ll fight alone. The one I miss the most is you.

You can keep beating me down, but I’ll keep standing back up. Because I’m standing for you.

I know that I’m now the enemy. I hope that someday you’ll forgive me and consider that I’m not fighting against you. I’m fighting for you. Even though it’s you I’m fighting.

I was recently challenged with putting my feelings about you into 20 words or less. Dissertations would not be accepted.  This is what I wrote:

All you’ve accomplished shows how strong you are.

All you’ve conquered shows how brave you are.

So Proud.  Every Day.

Happy Birthday.

I love you like crazy.

Mom

 Chocolate and Mint, I know all of your favorites

Chocolate Mint Cupcakes
                            ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients, Cake:

1 stick butter, softened

1 cup sugar

4 eggs

1 1/4 cups flour

3/4 tsp baking soda

1 can Hershey’s chocolate syrup (16 oz)

1 tsp vanilla

Ingredients, Frosting:

8 oz bar cream cheese, softened

1 stick butter, softened

3 1/2 cups powdered sugar

(up to) 3TBSP of milk

1 tsp mint extract

Green food coloring

Ingredients, Drizzle:

1/3 cup chocolate chips

2 TBSP heavy cream

1 tsp mint extract

1/4 cup powdered sugar

Directions:

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Line 24 cupcake cups with paper liners.

*Beat butter, sugar and eggs until smooth.

* Mix in 1 cup of flour, then half of the chocolate syrup.

*Mix in the rest of the flour and the baking soda, then the rest of the chocolate syrup and the vanilla.

*Divide the batter into the 24 cupcake liners. Bake for approximately 18 minutes, or until the center springs back to the touch.  Cool completely.

*Beat the cream cheese and butter until smooth. Add the powdered sugar, mint extract and green food coloring.  Add the milk, 1 TBSP at a time until it’s a good piping consistency.  Put into piping bag and pipe onto cooled cupcakes.

*Melt the chocolate chips and heavy cream in the microwave for 30 seconds. Stir. Keep melting at 15 second intervals until smooth. Stir in the mint extract and powdered sugar. Drizzle over top of cupcakes.