Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Doctor's Orders


I ended up at the Doctor’s office yesterday.  I hate going to the Doctor, but I’m hardly in the minority.  Frequently we put off going as long as possible. I think this is out of fear, we know something is wrong and we’re afraid to find out what exactly it is.  I have to admit that I’ve been having these symptoms for a very, very long time and have just ignored them. But after 17 years, and the addition of one more frightening symptom, I finally got up the nerve to face my fate.



 The truth of the matter is that the final symptom was actually the result of a flu induced decrease in my caffeine level.  And so I went to the Doctor with this disturbing admission:


I tried to stop drinking coffee.  But I found that if I stop drinking coffee I stop moving.  If I stop moving, I stop baking.  If I stop baking I start stressing.  If I start stressing I stop blogging.  If I stop blogging I stop venting.  If I stop venting my blood pressure goes up and my brain shuts down.  And now my brain is giving me the silent treatment.



Chocolate Almond Biscotti | www.BakingInATornado.com |  #recipe

Chocolate Almond Biscotti



The Doctor listened to me with interest.  I held my breath as I waited to hear what battery of tests I’d be subjected to, how many quarts of blood I was going to be down, the brain scans I’d have to endure.  I watched the Doctor’s face to see if I could judge her level of concern. 


But the Doctor was very blasé.  “I’m pretty sure this is a very common condition, I see it regularly”, she told me.  “Diagnosing you will just require that I ask you a couple of simple questions”.  OK, way less painful than I thought this would be.

And so she asked:

“Are you depressed on weekends?”  Answer: “Yes.”

“If your Ipod needs charging, will you put your headphones in anyway and pretend you can’t hear what’s being said to you?”  Answer: “Well, yes.”

“Do you lock your door and run the bath even when you don’t intend to get in?” Answer: “Uhmmm, yup.”

“OK, I’m afraid what you have is ephebiphobia…it’s a chronic condition but rarely fatal.  Let me get you a prescription, I’ll be right back.”  The minute she walked out of the room I grabbed my phone:


Ask.com:    Ephebiphobia:  Fear or loathing of teenagers.  That can’t be.
En.Wictionary.org:   Ephebiphobia: An irrational fear of adolescent people.  Irrational?
Worldwidewords.org:  Ephebiphobia:  Fear or loathing of teenagers by adults.  Look it up.



“Really? I have to pay you $250 for 15 minutes of your time to be told that I have an aversion to my kids?” I thought.  When she returned what I actually said was “OK, I’ll play, what’s the cure.”  I got a one-word answer “abstain”.


Abstain? From the kids?  Yay!  I’m picturing myself greased up, laying on a beach in a lounge chair, Kindle in hand, fruity drink nearby, everyone else a respectable distance away.  No kids anywhere....Doctor’s orders!

“No, abstain from your attempts to give up coffee.  Take this prescription, get it filled, you’ll need to put the treatment together at home by yourself, but I’m giving you written instructions, it should be easy.  If you’re not feeling better in a week, come back in”.

And that’s how my kids found me yesterday afternoon, blender on the counter, filling it up with coffee, chocolate, Valium and vodka.  I feel better already.


Doctor's Orders | www.BakingInATornado.com |  #MyGraphics


Baking In A Tornado signature | www.BakingInATornado.com |  #MyGraphics

Chocolate Almond Biscotti
                                          ©www.BakingInATornado.com


Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
1/2 stick butter, softened                                                       
1/2 stick margarine, softened                                 
3/4 cup sugar                                                       
2 eggs                                                                 
1/4 cup black coffee                                               
1/4 tsp almond extract 
3 oz slivered almonds   
2 1/4 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/3 cup baking cocoa
3/4 cup chocolate chips
                                             
Directions:
*Cover baking sheet with parchment paper.  Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
*In a dry saucepan on the stove lightly toast the almonds (on low) just until they begin to brown.  Remove from heat and cool.
*Beat butter, margarine and sugar until smooth.  Beat in eggs, coffee, and almond extract.
*Wisk together flour, baking powder and cocoa.  Mix into the butter mixture.  Mix in the almonds and chocolate chips last.
*Divide dough into thirds and, using your hands, make 3 logs.  Flatten them down, they should not be more than an inch high.
*Put logs onto parchment paper and bake for 20 minutes.  Remove from oven, gently move the whole parchment sheet with the logs on it off the hot baking sheet. 
*Lower oven heat to 325 degrees.  Let logs sit for 10 minutes.
*Carefully, with a serrated knife, cut the logs at an angle into the size of the cookies you want.
*Grease and flour your baking sheet.  Put the cookies on the sheet sideways so one of the cut sides is facing up.  Bake for 15 minutes. 
*Remove from the baking sheet and cool completely.

36 comments:

  1. LOL! Two cc's and an I"VV". That's the recipe I've been looking for. ;) the biscotti looks pretty darn good too!

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    1. Hope I don't get in trouble for giving away medical secrets...

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  2. ROTFL!! I was initially feeling conerned but knowing you, I should have realized!!! Ok, take care and....um....keep up with the treatment, okay?!!

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    1. Oh yeah, I'll keep up with the treatment. Best Doctor's office visit EVER!

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  3. Glad it's not too serious, but you had me worried! Never EVER give up on the coffee. The biscotti is a definite "on-the-things-to-make" list. Tell your boys you have a condition that requires 4-5 hours of quiet time and some (all?) of that blender-drink. I'm not a doctor, but could happily play one on TV. Hang in there, chica!

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    1. 4 to 5 hours quiet time, that would be something to see around here. But then with my "cure" I'm not sure I'll care how loud it gets, LOL.

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  4. Brilliant post!! You had me laughing all the way!!! What I love about your blog is the way you have these humorous stories with your recipes--very different than a lot of the foodie blogs I visit. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this...and how did you know that I can't EXIST without good, chocolate biscotti to dunk in my a.m. coffee??? You rocked this!!!

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    1. Wow, high praise coming from you! So glad you laughed, I have to admit I enjoyed writing it.

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  5. Well, I'm glad the diagnosis was something this easy to understand and to treat! Your blended treat sounds delicious. How do I get my Dr. to diagnose me with the same? I'm thinking back over the years, and I'm blaming all my anxiety, stress, and insomnia on the boys now. Used to think it was life, or my job, but this sounds logical. :)

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  6. Replies
    1. You never know how people will take what you say. Love that you laughed!

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  7. When did mandel bread become biscotti???? Your recipe, though, does look a little more jazzed up than my almond mandel bread. I actually use Jennie Grossinger's recipe. Do you know who she was? I like the coffee and chocolate part of your prescription!

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  8. LOL, I'm switching to your doctor!

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    Replies
    1. I have a feeling that Doctor is suddenly going to get extremely popular.

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  9. Ahahahaha! Love it! Your doctor's appointment went MUCH better than mine. I left with morbid humiliation. Here's a glimpse of it: http://www.momaical.com/2012/08/gynecology-gone-wild.html
    Is she accepting new patients?
    Tracy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I could ask her to take you on as a patient...but it'll cost you!

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  10. Goodness that is stressful at least you can make light of it. Ha I am glad you did not need to give up your caffeine! I am also having to go to the Dr but in Canada we don't pay. If we did I think we would have not home HAHA we are there every week with 7 of us someone is always sick.

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    Replies
    1. I can't imagine going to the Doctor and not paying, what a luxury.

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  11. OMGOSH! Never hear of anything like this before! And that treatment? Really?

    Paula
    lifeasweknowitbypaula.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Yes, really. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

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  12. Hahaha!! Loved your post! I think...cough cough I'm developing toddlerpreschoolerphobia cough. Wonder if I can get a prescription for gin and cappuccino?

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    1. In my unprofessional opinion gin and cappuccino would be the perfect cure for toddlerpreschoolerphobia, LOL.

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  13. BRILLIANT prescription! I don't have kids, but the symptoms of Ephebiphobia sound terrible, and there are a couple of teenagers who live down the street. Just to be on the safe side, I think I'll work on your prescription, too! :)

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    1. Maybe those who don't have teenagers should take the prescription in case they're inadvertently exposed to teenagers.

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  14. Oh wow! $250...poor thing! You need a vacay!! As for the coffee forget it...I could never give it up...that's my one weakness since I had to give up something else lol...but neways...I gotta try making the biscotti i love it ...i just thought it was really hard to make so never tried....come drink coffee with me and take a breather xoxo

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    1. Love to. And now I know, NEVER give up the coffee, got it!

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  15. LOL, I have a teen who's a bit trying at times, so relating is easy. :)

    I'm visiting/following from the blog hop. Happy Friday!

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    1. You have a teen too? Take my word for it, don't put off going to the Doctor.

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  16. HAHA!!! I don't have teenagers YET but this is hilarious! I have attempted to give up coffee multiple times but here I am at 4:30pm drinking my healthy version of a pumpkin spiced latte! Love this! Found you through the blog hop and followed you! heatherswholenewlife.blogspot.com

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    Replies
    1. Wow, pumpkin spiced latte sounds like just what the Doctor ordered!

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  17. You just saved me $250 thank you! :)

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