Sarcasm is Dead. Long Live Delusion.

 

 

 

Sarcasm is dead. And I, for one, am in mourning.

Yes, sarcasm, that biting, witty, humorous use of irony in speech has officially been rendered mute. Now isn't that ironic?

This is a big deal. Sarcasm has probably saved my life, has most definitely saved the lives of those around me. It's my coping mechanism of choice, most likely always has been, but at the very least since birth (my kids, not mine). But now, if I can't even maintain (yeah, I said maintain, fight me) sanity (OK, and find joy) in making others look foolish, what do I have left {{sob}}?

 

Here's the thing about sarcasm, it depends on the absurd being . . . you know . . . absurd. But at this moment in history, reality is not real, rationalism is not rational. How can you parody truth when there is no truth? Truth is now lies and lies are now truth. Your time has come kids, every day is opposite day. Delusion reigns supreme.

And don't you dare "keep calm and blah, blah, blah" me, the sky is falling, dammit. The pigs have taken wing.

If only closed minds came with closed mouths, but no such luck. It's trump's delusion and we're all living in it.

So the next time your kids ask you to get out of your sick bed at 6:00 in the morning to make them cookie bars because they ate all of the cupcakes for breakfast, here's what you can't say:

French Vanilla Cookie Bars (Halloween decorated)

Sure, I'll do that when . . .

a moron convinces half the country that he's a stable genius. 

or 

the "president" of the United States tells people to vote twice. 

or

the Attorney General says that he doesn't know the voting laws. 

or 

we rip babies from their moms and put them is cages. 

or   

wind farms cause cancer. 

or    

we recommend shooting up Lysol.   

or

the US "president" says he's fallen in love with a brutal North Korean dictator.

or    

the White House press secretary addresses the press without a mask, after many of her colleagues have been diagnosed with a deadly virus.   

or   

the "president" puts Secret Service in jeopardy because, like a selfish toddler, he wants to go for a car ride while he's infectious. 

 

If you thought the possibility of bird poop landing on your shoulder was bad, put on your helmet and check in with air traffic control my friends, because the swine are officially airborne. I repeat: the swine are airborne.

There's nothing left for us to do. Sarcasm is dead, the peaceful transfer of power is required. Long live delusion.

VOTE.

French Vanilla Cookie Bars (Halloween decorated)        

                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
1 package sugar cookie mix
1 package French Vanilla pudding mix
1/2 cup butter, softened
2 TBSP French Vanilla creamer
2 eggs
OPT: 2 drops of red food coloring and 2 drops of yellow food coloring
1/4 cup multicolored sprinkles

OPT: decorating gel and/or holiday sprinkles to embellish

Directions:
*Grease an 8 X 11 baking pan. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
*Mix together the sugar cookie mix, pudding mix, butter, creamer, eggs, and food coloring (if using). Fold in the multicolored sprinkles.
*Spread evenly into the prepared baking pan. Bake for about 30 minutes until the edges start to brown and the center is set.
*Cool completely. Decorate as desired.

Silver Bracelets and a Box of Donuts: Secret Subject Swap

Welcome a Secret Subject Swap. This month 10 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. Read through mine and at the bottom you’ll find links to all of today’s other Secret Subject participants.

My subject is: If you were arrested with no explanation, what would your friends/family assume you had done?
It was submitted by: Rabia of The Lieber Family Blog.


I had some fun with this topic recently in a private group when I made 5 statements, one being a lie, and had my friends guess which one wasn't true. I'm not sure what this says about me, but most of my friends were willing to believe I'd been arrested. So let me just say for the record that I haven't been arrested. 

That said, I have to admit that if I were to be arrested, most of the people I know IRL would probably say something like "okay, what the hell did you do this time? Pick another fight with a state trooper (and then tattle on him)? Give the finger to the guy behind you while blocking traffic again?"

Except for my kids. They'd probably say something like "been to Dunkin Donuts again, Mom?"

You see, although I have never had those silver bracelets on, there was one time when it looked like I might be arrested. And it was my kids who almost made it happen. Miles from home.

We were back in Boston visiting family one summer when the boys were about 5 and 6 or so. I had borrowed my mom's car to get them out of the house and give the poor woman a break take them to the movies. After the movies I decided that since I hadn't been baking, we'd stop and buy treats.

Peppermint Stick Cookie Bars

There was a Dunkin Donuts near the movie theater and I thought we'd get a box of donuts to bring back to mom's. There were certain places we liked to go to while back in Boston, places we don't have in the Midwest (well, we didn't at the time) and Dunkin Donuts was one of them. 

I knew I was in trouble as soon as we walked in the door. There, in line ahead of us was a police woman. What are the chances?

"Look, Mommy", my oldest said, pointing.

"What kind of donut do you want?" I asked, starting to sweat and trying to divert.

"Cops love donuts. See mom, it's true." my oldest chimed in. 

The police woman turned and looked at me. I'm pretty sure that wasn't a smile on her face. I'm guessing my sheepish smile did nothing to help the situation.

"Let's leave the nice officer alone and pick out our favorite flavors" I said through gritted teeth as I turned the boys away from her and towards me.

It was then that the police woman ordered a fat free muffin and a coffee.

Oh, dear Lord, I'm toast.

My older son's mouth fell open as he yelled "No, no, that's wrong. She needs donuts. Everyone knows police love donuts." 

"Yeah, they sit at their desks and eat them all day." my oldest chimed in.

The look I got from the police woman could melt the glaze off a donut.

I was just trying to figure out a way to leave that shop with only a box of treats and without any new silver bracelets.

As we ordered our dozen donuts, the officer moved over to the side, tending to her coffee. Felt like she was staring darts from her eyes into my back, but maybe that was just my imagination

I paid and tried to slink out the door unnoticed, but the cop was right behind us.

"Why aren't we leaving, Mom?" The boys asked as we sat in the car in the parking lot. 

"Mom's just being polite. I'll let the nice police woman pull out first" I answered.

~ a few minutes later ~

"She left, Mom, can we go now?"

"I think I'll just give her some time to get a little further away. How far do you think it is to the station?"

When I decided the coast was clear, I headed to mom's house. I stopped at every yellow light, used my blinker copiously and kept at a steady 5 mph below the speed limit. You know, just in case she had put a BOLO out on me.

Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup, and check them all out. See you there:

Never Ever Give Up Hope 
Cognitive Script
The Lieber Family Blog
Part-time Working Hockey Mom  
The Bergham Chronicles 
My Brand of Crazy
Southern Belle Charm 
Climaxed 
The Blogging 911

Peppermint Stick Cookie Bars

                                                              ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 stick butter, softened
1 stick margarine, softened
1 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar 
2 eggs, room temperature
1 tsp peppermint extract
2 1/2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup red oreos, crushed (10 - 12 cookies) 
3 oz candy canes or peppermint hard candies, crushed (about 6 candy canes) 
24 peppermint kisses

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Grease a 9 X 13 baking pan.
*Cream butter, margarine and both sugars in a mixer. Beat in the eggs and peppermint extract.
*Carefully beat the flour, baking soda and salt into the mixture.  Mix in the crushed oreos and hard candies.
*Spread evenly into the prepared pan and bake for 25 minutes. 
*Remove from oven and immediately place the kisses onto the hot cookie bar. Allow to melt for 5 minutes, then swirl them with your finger.
*Allow the bars to cool completely before slicing and removing from the pan.