Friday, August 7, 2015

Secret Subject Swap:Spinning Out of Control

Welcome to the August Secret Subject Swap. This month 16 brave bloggers picked a secret subject for someone else and were assigned a secret subject to interpret in their own style. Today we are all simultaneously divulging our topics and submitting our posts. Read through mine and at the bottom you’ll find links to all of today’s other Secret Subject participants.

Secret Subject Swap | www.BakingInATornado.com | #MyGraphics

My subject is: You wake up one morning and your entire life has done a 180 turn. Do you want your old life back or will you embrace the new one? Why did you make the choice you did?
It was submitted by: Southern Belle Charm.

I have been avoiding this blog post like the plague.

Normally I'm extremely organized. I have schedules for everything and am often striving to work ahead. Shortly after these prompts are assigned I sit down and do a first draft of my post. I'll edit it here or there before posting but, for the most part, I can check the box way ahead of time.

But this prompt, this one hit close to home. In fact more than hit, it kicked my ass. Now if I were smart, I would have just taken a pass. After all, I'm the one who assigns the subjects, I could just slide this one on to the next person. But damn my belief in fair play I just couldn't do it. The reason I started this challenge was to push boundaries, this one pushed . . . and shoved.

Before I try to come up with something worthy of a blog post, let me just apologize in advance. Ever heard of vague posting? This piece may just take that concept to a whole new level. There are things I just cannot go into publicly. I'm not ready. Probably won't be any time soon if ever, so I apologize for not giving a better explanation.

OK. Deep breath.

My life has taken a 180 turn. In more than one arena. And in many ways it's broken me.

The first turn came when PurDude was in elementary school. I've talked a lot about his lack of fine motor skills, that his handwriting is illegible, effectively the same as it was in kindergarden. He's concrete and literal, unable to read cues, has a completely disorganized mind and that's just the beginning. I tried so hard to get him the help he needed in school. But the way the system is set up, they have an out and they take it. I fought and fought but lost. 

Although I took PurDude to Boston for answers, later walked him past the school OT to take him to a private one, made charts and schedules, taught him how to read cues, how to identify sarcasm, how to type instead of write, the mechanics of social conventions . . . the damage was done. I will always wonder how much further we could have gotten with intervention from the schools back in second grade when I initially started questioning. When I didn't understand that they had their own agenda and I naively believed them when they said that no intervention was needed.

I will forever know that I failed as an advocate for my son.

So I was already turned part way around, already scarred, when the other (here's the vague posting) issues struck. 

There are situations that you can walk away from easily and I have. People who are toxic and who I don't care to have in my life. I don't miss them at all. 

There are situations that you can walk partially away from, people who hurt you whether they're trying to or not. You want them in your life but you just don't have the strength. It's a balancing act and it takes its toll.

There are situations that provide stress. Daily. You can fight to try to live with it, find ways to deal and to cope but it turns every day into a fight. Because of these situations I'm so glad to have found the solace of baking. I'm so grateful to have built a blogging and FB community that allows me periods of blissful escape.

Whipped Vanilla Rum Float: an adult version of a childhood favorite | Recipe developed by BakingInATornado.com | #recipe #cocktail

Whipped Vanilla Rum Float
Whipped Vanilla Rum Float: an adult version of a childhood favorite | Recipe developed by BakingInATornado.com | #recipe #cocktail




Then there is that one crushing blow. Less a 180 and more a dizzying, spinning top. The kind of thing that breaks you. Shatters all of your dreams, makes you not care about anything.

I wrote about it. Years ago. I've allowed two people to read it. For now, it sits there in my drafts but I do not press "publish". Initially because, although it affects me profoundly, it is not my issue to release. Now I have permission. I reread the post and see just how much worse it has become. But I still cannot put it out there. 

I think I'm partly fearful that releasing it while it continues to spiral is tantamount to giving up. That after every avenue I've exhausted, only my being successful in finding the right direction can be the empowerment I need to fully face it. And maybe even to stop waking up every morning shaking.

I'm also partly ashamed that I am, once again, completely thwarted in my efforts to make this right. A life hangs in the balance. And I am not equipped to live with this kind of failure.
 
Do I want my old life back? Yes, I do. But I'm trying to get over it because remembering how it was, how I hoped it would be hurts more than I can bear. 

Will I embrace this new life? No, can't do that either because to me it means giving in. Giving up.

So I bake. And I blog. And I hold on to the one thing from the past that I still have. 

A glimmer of hope.


Here are links to all the sites now featuring Secret Subject Swap posts. Sit back, grab a cup and check them all out. See you there:



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Whipped Vanilla Rum Float
                                                   ©www.BakingInATornado.com  

Printable Recipe
 
Ingredients (per cocktail):
1 shot vanilla flavored rum
1 shot whipped cream flavored rum
1 cup cola of your choice
1 large scoop vanilla ice cream with caramel swirl

Directions:
*Place shots of vanilla and whipped cream flavored rum in your serving glass. Slowly add the cola.
*Scoop the ice cream into the drink. Do this over a counter as the drink will fizz.

36 comments:

  1. Thank you, I know what I will be making this weekend!!!!

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  2. I understand your need to be vague. Sometimes the story is just not ready to be told!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, not the most informative post I've ever written, but I did the best I could.

      Delete
  3. It's difficult to share all our stories, we need to keep some things private until they we are ready to share. I totally get i. You did what you thought was best for your son at the time.

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    Replies
    1. I agree. Not everything needs to be out there. Sometimes I read an over-sharing post and just cringe. I'm trying to make good choices. So whether I'll ever let these things out or not, I just don't know.

      Delete
  4. I completely understand you feeling like a failure as a mom. I feel like a failure as a mom constantly. I have for twelve years. Don't be too hard. Your sons love you. Plus, he's PurDude because he attends Purdue. That is not a failure. You're wonderful. I promise.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry you feel that way too. I think that questioning ourselves is just a part of striving to do what's best for our kids.
      I appreciate your support, all of you in the private group, more than you know.

      Delete
  5. Hold onto that hope (and maybe a couple of those rum floats) and know you have the strength to move forward. Love to you Karen. ❤

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the ❤, Jenn. It really, really matters.

      Delete
  6. Your heart will tell you when the time is right. And I think you might be surprised at how freeing it will be to finally say out loud the things you have kept deep inside all these years. Once you open that door, I think you will be surprised at the ENORMOUS amount of support you will receive. Trust your instincts and never, ever lose hope. You're going to find out that there are many more moms like you who are struggling with similar issues, and those are the ones who will have your back. Please know that you are are surrounded by love, from all of us. Take that first step when you're ready---there are plenty of us ready to catch you if you feel like you might fall. <>

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just so back and forth on the whole thing. But deep inside I know that means it's not the time.
      I do appreciate the support, I do feel the love, I'm so grateful for the people I surround myself with.

      Delete
  7. This is precisely why it took my 10 years to write my memoir and releasing it, as scary as it was in every arena, it has brought a new freedom that I never thought possible. There may be more pros than cons

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    Replies
    1. I see that it's opened up a whole new world for you and I'm so happy for you.

      Delete
  8. Someday, maybe, you'll get to publish. Until then....keep doing you. <3 Also, I need to go to the store for rum

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    Replies
    1. You are going to love this cocktail. Be sure to let me know when you try it!

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  9. Replies
    1. Thank you so much, Sharon. I love being able to count on your support.

      Delete
  10. Can it be that you are being too hard on yourself? From how I have come to know you I am convinced that you went tons extra miles every day. One lesson in life is to accept that at some point there is not more one can do, and to let go. I mean, I read this. Not that I mastered it ;-)

    I'm here to listen - and to share a cocktail, even if it's a virtual one. Actually there are a couple on my pool party post, come on over!

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    Replies
    1. Sounds like fun. I'd sit by a pool with a cocktail with you any time.

      Delete
  11. All the vague hints made this post even more intriguing. I wish I could know more, but I understand the reluctance to make what is private public. I have had stories sitting in my draft pile for years now too, for the exact same reason. Putting them out into the world makes them real, and sometimes that's just too hard to do. Hugs for whatever you suffer through, you amazing woman.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we all, either literally or metaphorically, have posts sitting in our draft pile. Every time we look at them we make a decision. Whether we don't publish them because it makes them real or because we don't necessarily think everything belongs out in the public, we do make that choice, and will continue to as long as we're blogging.

      Delete
  12. You'll know if and when the time is right. And quit beating yourself up about what wasn't done for PurDude. You had and will always have his back. He's in college. He's a good kid. You have done the very best you can with what you have.
    Oh I've added rum to my list..........and I don't even like rum, but it looks wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This drink doesn't taste like rum. I don't know if you've ever had the vanilla rum before but I absolutely love it.
      Let me know what you think of the drink.

      Delete
  13. Drink looks great!
    Now...the whole 180 life turn, I think we've all had moments where we would change but in doing so it would mean we are not where we are now.

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    Replies
    1. The drink IS great. And it just might help with all that other crap.

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  14. Part of me kind of wants to live in your head for just a day. Part of me is scared to. Either way, I'm hugging you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fair warning, you may want to stay out of my head. But I'll take the hug.

      Delete
  15. Sometimes vague is all we can be and that is ok. <3 Oh, and your rum drink makes me want to take up drinking again. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Ooops. My bad. I will not tell you how delicious it was.

      Delete
  16. HUGS for whatever it is that you are going through.
    Whatever it is, you can beat it. You are strong enough. You can do it. I know you can.
    And we will all be here cheering for you, on your side no matter what.
    <3

    ReplyDelete
  17. Boozy ice cream float? Now you're talking my language!

    As for your personal matter don't be too hard on yourself and let it eat you up. Just do your best and keep moving forward.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, I'm starting to think that a boozy ice cream float is the answer to so many issues!

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  18. Take your time, honey. Those of us who love you will still be here when you're ready.

    ReplyDelete

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