Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Forgiveness

I was so proud when, one year after my oldest started college, my youngest became a college student too. I knew that he was smart, moral, strong and had a good work ethic. I thought, with a pat on the back, that I had taught him all he needed to know to go off on his own.

He ended up 700 miles away in situations we could never see coming. And I was right, with support from us from afar and his own strength of character, he met each obstacle, conquered, grew and moved on.

This week was a different story.

 I had to write my son an email today. It was the hardest letter I've ever had to write.

Forgiveness: You need to know I can forgive you. I need to know, can you? | www.BakingInATornado.com | #MyGraphics #parenting



Son:

I'm writing this in an email instead of a text because it's long and I want you to read it on your laptop, not a tiny cell phone screen, and truly think about it. I hope that you will print it and that all through your life, when needed, you will have it to refer to.

Of all the things we taught you growing up, although responsibility was one of them and consequences was another, I guess we never gave a whole lot of thought to helping you understand how to deal with the fallout of mistakes. YOUR mistakes. I know you learned how to forgive others, how to get past, as best you can, being wronged, but we were remiss when it comes to the process of forgiving yourself.

I put part of the responsibility on you. You are a great kid. You never got into a lot of trouble. You had a definite sense of whether or not you liked someone and held on to those feelings but you never fought with people, you chose more to walk away than deal with mean kids and drama. You kept the peace with your brother whose teenage years were quite turbulent. You studied hard, worked hard, chose friends with discrimination. your growth into independence was not fraught with some of the wild antics many teenagers get involved in.

You made mistakes, most small. Some, like TWO speeding tickets in one week, bigger. But not really epic ones. A lot of the trouble that many kids got into in high school, you didn't. You lead a sheltered life and in retrospect I think I owe you an apology for that. Now that you are hundreds of miles away at college you're going through so many issues neither one of us saw coming.

You've had a friend arrested for a serious crime, had another friend die, you broke your leg, the first bone you've ever broken. Through all of these I counseled long distance. I knew they'd be hard, physically and emotionally challenging. I thought about flying out there a time or two, but ultimately I knew you were well equipped to deal with these challenges yourself. Your integrity, maturity and character could and did get you through. I was heartbroken for you, and so very proud of you.

But this week you made a mistake. A huge one. I'm not sure we've really gotten to the bottom of it, how much was your responsibility and how much was made worse by another, but honestly it doesn't matter. It is not the mistakes you make in life or your level of culpability but what you do with them. Because of them.

At first you were confused, put most of the blame on someone else. But you showed so much maturity by not only seeking out others who were there for their perspective but really internalizing it.

There are steps to learning from mistakes and you've taken most of them.

1) You are coming to terms with the external blame. Whatever someone else did or didn't do to exacerbate the situation, you cannot change. Let it go. Adjust your relationship with them, but let it go.

2) You called your parents and took responsibility. I know that had to be excruciating, thinking you let us down. 

3) You are aware that there may possibly be more consequences and whatever you think of them, you will accept them.

4) You sat in your room for an entire day feeling forlorn and embarrassed. Good. You should. Big mistakes are not easy to get over. But there is a line between embarrassed and ashamed. You should not be ashamed. You made an error in judgement that many, actually most, kids do.

5) You learned from it. There are things you will not do again and therein lies the core of making mistakes. Learning from them and moving on as a better person.

But you're stuck on the last one, forgiving yourself. And you will truly have let us down if you don't find a way to navigate this one. You must move on, the rest of your life depends on it.

After spending a day wallowing in it, I suggested something that works for me, the reason I blog. I do it to temporarily fully immerse my brain in something else. Forget just for a while, give yourself a much needed emotional respite. And you did. Sort of. You spent a second entire day in your room working on a project, leaving only for class and for 5 minutes for dinner.

That was not what I meant.

Passover Pancakes, either dressed up with chocolate and whipped cream or made "silver dollar" style with charoses, these matzo meal pancakes are delicious | Recipe developed by www.BakingInATornado.com | #Passover #breakfast

Passover Pancakes

Face the friends who know. The longer you hide, not only the more you just put off the inevitable, but the less time you're spending building new experiences and memories with them. Do you want this to be how you and others define you?

If not, get out there. Red-faced at first. Embarrassed by the mistake but NOT ashamed of yourself. Hold your head high. You are not a mistake. You are a person of very high character who made an error in judgement. Do not let this one circumstance swallow your self esteem. And it is. I can hear it.

Your frat had a party that second night. you had signed up to work it and you did. I know it was hard, but first steps always are.

Now take the rest of those steps. Knowing that we, your family, are here for you. We believe in you. We don't care that you make mistakes, but we absolutely do care about what you do despite them. And what you now need to do is to release yourself from the crushing weight of this guilt. With the lesson learned, it is no longer serving any purpose.

Forgive yourself, son. Find a way. And remember how you did it. Because although this is your first really big mistake. It will not be your last.

So proud of you. Still and always.
Mom

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Passover Pancakes
                                                                        ©www.BakingInATornado.com
 
Printable Recipe

NOTE: For the pancake pictured I made a large pancake using about 1/2 cup of the batter and topped it with chocolate syrup, whipped cream and a cherry.
 
Ingredients (serves about 4 adults):
1 cup matzo meal
1 tsp sugar
1 tsp salt 
4 eggs
1 1/2 cups milk
about 6 pats of butter

OPT: leftover Charoses.

Directions:
*Whisk together the matzo meal, sugar and salt. Whisk in the eggs and milk. 
*Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate an hour (I make it the night before and leave it in the refrigerator overnight).
*Remove batter from fridge. Melt a pat of butter in a large skillet over medium heat. Place about 6 - 7 tablespoons of batter, individually and separated, into hot pan (I make these the size of "silver dollar pancakes"). Batter is thick, if you want thinner pancakes, spread them carefully with the back of your tablespoon.
*If using, place a little charoses in the center of each pancake and press gently into the batter. When the bottom is browned, flip and cook the other side just as you would with any pancake.
*Repeat with the rest of the butter and the rest of the batter.

26 comments:

  1. Oh man, I would be in need of a huge stack of pancakes if I got a letter like this!
    Judging oneself is easy - forgiving oneself? Not that much. It kind of speaks for the person he is, high standards and all.
    I hope knowing (and reading it black on White - it's a saying in German, is it in English as well?) that his parents love him and are proud of him helps :-)
    You're a wonderful Mom!

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    1. I agree about judging oneself. It's easy to get lost in it, turning one mistake into even more.

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  2. Wow. I'm somehow reminded of an amazing "mea culpa" letter I read this week. It was published by an editor who had inadvertently been stripping attributions from articles sent to him by one of his authors. It was a dreadful situation, with the author being accused of plagiarism. I was absolutely baffled originally and said so on my Facebook page - this led to a fascinating discussion among 3 friends who are much better writers than me, so when one of them found the editor's public apology, which was really amazing - he explained how it happened, and it was all very understandable, but then in the end he STILL accepted final responsibility. My writer friends were all tremendously impressed - that's a horrible letter to have to write but so much better than just crawling into a hole somewhere to hide. I don't hashtag much but if I did I would call this one #grownupping101.

    Not sure how links work on your comments but:

    https://medium.com/@jotham.sederstrom/regarding-shaun-king-and-the-daily-news-e458523367ce#.6nq3wzbmt

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    1. Wow, fascinating story, Bonnie, thanks for sharing it. It's a difficult lesson, but I think way more difficult from afar.

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  3. Looks like you covered all the bases. You gave him the best advice you could and what he does with it is up to him. It's so tough to watch but as parents, we have to step back and you did. Good job, mom.

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    1. I think it's easier to step back when the conversation is face to face, but I don't have that luxury at this time. He'll be home in 2 weeks. I can't wait.

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  4. I obviously don't know what's going on, but self-forgiveness is a very hard thing to do. Even I have a hard time with it and I'm...well, that's not important. But, if I can address PurDude right now, you can forgive yourself and you need to try. Because carrying around that guilt is like an anchor weighing you down. You don't want that. You have an amazing mom and a good head on your shoulders. Believe in yourself, learn from your mistakes, and most of all, forgive yourself.

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    1. I know, Sarah, being an "adult" doesn't make self forgiveness any easier. Thank you for your kind and wise words.

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  5. I am in awe of your parenting. Advice without rancour. Counsel with a step back for the counselled to act on his own. Beautifully done!

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    1. Your support brings tears to my eyes, Diane. Thank you.

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  6. Karen, you have an amazing way of parenting. We all like to think our kids will always do the right thing, but that is never the case. We all grew up and made mistakes, big and small,it is part of life, the big thing is how we handle them. Your letter to your son is beautiful!

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    1. Thank you , Jaimie. I thought this parenting thing might get a little easier but no such luck.

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  7. I'm going through something similar with son #2. The only difference, mine is in his mid-30s. It never stops! What a wonderful letter. You are such a good mom.

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    1. I'm sorry, Cathy, it's so hard. I know that your son is incredibly lucky to have you.

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  8. Karen, those are some wonderful honest words to your son. Great example of parenting. It was such a wonderful moment reading this letter.
    xx
    Epsita

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    1. Thank you, Epsita. I'm lucky that he's such a good kid. He'll get through this.

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  9. I obviously have no clue what is going on, but your letter to PurDude was beautiful. Parenting at its finest. He's a lucky son.

    Forgiving ourselves is so hard. I'm not sure why. It's so easy to forgive others, and we have no way of knowing their true intentions. We know our own and yet forgiveness is difficult. It should be the opposite.

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    Replies
    1. I agree. Makes so much sense but is just not something we're able to do easily.

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  10. What a great letter and I really hope he does save it for the future. We all need reminding that we have to forgive ourselves.

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  11. I think at times I should write a letter like this to my daughter, the wild child the little rebel because at times I do not think she has forgiven herself for her teenage years. I have long forgiven her for all the sleepless nights, the nights I laid in bed and prayed for her

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    1. I'm glad you've forgiven her. I hope she forgives herself.

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  12. You have raise an amazing son, you should be so proud. I'm sure with your help he will be coming out on the other side of this troubling time happy and healthy.

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    1. Thank you, Rena. More than anything he's hurt by someone who should have had his back and could have stopped the whole issue. But he will learn and be fine.

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  13. Knowing that his Mom has his back and is there to give him such stellar advice, I'm sure he'll find a way to forgive himself.

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    1. Yes, and it will all be so much easier once he's home.

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