Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Hell if I Know

It has come to my attention that am the authority on pretty much nothing. It's actually quite a shock, realizing this. Entering parenthood with puffed up chest and all the confidence in the world, I thought I'd be up to the challenge of some simple explanations. I mean, they're kids, how hard can it be? And in the age of the internet, basically anything can be answered with a minutes on google. But there's nothing that deflates that ego as quickly as having kids. Because no one can ask the unanswerable quite like our little darlings. 

And somehow, saying "hell if I know" to everything just doesn't seem to meet the good parenting smell test. Crap. OK, truth be told I have plenty of answers. Pretty much every time. But It's a possibility that most of them will get me a visit from Child Protective Services.

1. Why does daddy like peas?
~ Answer: Hold on a second, let me google that.

2. Why do those birds keep pooping on our deck?
~ Answer: Because they hate us.

3. Why do you keep bringing lilacs in the house when they make daddy sneeze?
~ Answer: Dad sneezing for a week is a price I'm willing to pay for beauty.

4.Why is milk white?
~ Answer: If I look like a farmer, clearly I need to reassess my wardrobe. 

8. You call chicken "chicken", why don't you call steak "cow"?
~ Answer: I will if you want me to.

Hell if I Know, kids have questions, we don't have answers | www.BakingInATornado.com | #funny #laugh #parenting

6. Why do you yell at the TV? Can they hear you?
~ Answer: Yes. Yes, they can.

7. Why don't we live in Florida?
~ Answer: Because they refuse to move Florida to the middle of the Midwest.

8. Why did you tell daddy the guy next door is a jerk? 
~ Answer: Because he leaves dog shit on our lawn.

9. Why don't dogs talk?
~ Answer: Maybe they do, just not when you're around.

10. They're fruit, why can't I have Red, White and Blueberry Bars or lunch?
~ Answer: Oh hell, go ahead if it'll buy me a few minutes of peace. May as well pass me one too.

Frozen Red, White and Blueberry Bars, a refreshing frozen dessert perfect for Memorial Day, Independence Day or any hot summer night | Recipe developed by www.BakingInATornado.com | #recipe #dessert #berries

Frozen Red, White and Blueberry Bars
Frozen Red, White and Blueberry Bars, a refreshing frozen dessert perfect for Memorial Day, Independence Day or any hot summer night | Recipe developed by www.BakingInATornado.com | #recipe #dessert #berries

And it doesn't end there either. The older my kids get, the less capable I am of coming up with appropriate answers. Although, at this point I'm just gonna let it fly. Because the older they get the better that visit from Child Protective Services starts to look.

1. If no one else is on the road, why do I have to I use my blinker?
~ Answer: Because the one time you don't a cop will appear out of thin air.

2. How stupid is my mowing the lawn when we both know the grass is just going to grow right back? 
~ Answer: How stupid is my buying food when I'm just going to have to do it again next week?

3. Why dirty a plate when I can just stand here and eat the cake right off the platter?
~ Answer: Why dirty a platter when I can just not make a cake?

4. Why should I have to take the final? I have an "A", if I skip the final I'll still pass with a "C". So why put myself through all that stress?
~ Answer: Would you like my answers in alphabetical order, or in order of importance?

5. Why do I need to call when I can just send you a quick text?
~ Answer: Because every now and then I need to hear your voice, dammit.

Nailed it!

Baking In A Tornado signature | www.BakingInATornado.com | #MyGraphics

Frozen Red, White and Blueberry Bars
NOTE: I used a chocolate crust, but if you want to keep more to the red, white and blue coloring, you can substitute Golden Oreo Thins for the Double Chocolate cookies.

6 TBSP butter, melted
1 1/2 packages Chips Ahoy Double Chocolate Thins cookies (about 42 cookies)
2 (8 oz) packages of cream cheese, room temperature.
1 can (14 oz) sweetened condensed milk
2 cups fresh fruit, blueberries, raspberries and strawberries
1 1/2 cup heavy cream
3 TBSP powdered sugar

OPT: additional berries for decoration

*Grease a 9 X 13 baking dish.
*Crush the cookies in a food processor until they are fine crumbs.
*Move to a bowl, mix in the melted butter and pat firmly into the bottom of your baking dish. Refrigerate.
*Hull and chop the strawberries. Cut the raspberries in half. Leave the blueberries whole.
*Beat the cream cheese and sweetened condensed milk until smooth. Carefully fold in the fresh berries. Set aside.
*Beat the heavy cream until soft peaks form. Add the powdered sugar and beat until stiff peaks hold. Fold half of the whipped cream into the cream cheese mixture. Spread into the prepared crust.
*Top with the remaining whipped cream. Freeze for 3 - 4 hours. Move to the fridge about 30 minutes before serving, decorate with berries, cut into squares and serve.


  1. bahaha, every parent's feelings. And it doesn't go away as they get ever older. On the bright side, you can have some of your Frozen Red White and Blue Bars.....They will make it better.

  2. This is a gorgeous dessert. I am off dairy so I painfully will not make it! I love your answer to the grass mowing, it is perfect. You really do know!

    1. Not the most mature answer, but it sure does feel good now and then to just say what you're thinking.

  3. Great recipe that can speak loud and clear if you don't want to!

  4. Being a parent is hard and all the questions from children are annoying and now days so many children do not like the answer because it is or because I said so

  5. Now that we in upstate New York are only days from local strawberry season, this is a natural dessert. Yummmm! Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com

    1. Yes, and blueberry season is coming up too. Love all of these fresh summer berries.

  6. These really caught my eye! Looks delicious!

  7. why do birds poop on us-Cause they hate us! love it! Nice desserts btw. I have so been wanting to make this cream cheese cake concoction with strawberries and a pretzel crust. If I find the recipe, it's going to be one fat week for me:)

    1. I've heard of desserts with a pretzel crust but never had one. I'm starting to feel like I'm missing out.

  8. Karen... Sweet, dear Karen.... Sigh. This looks AMAZING. AMAZING. I am going to start playing the lottery, so I can be your neighbor. Then I will pay you very well, to make all these amazing things for me. Sigh. Also, I think you know a lot about a lot. I think you are an "authority" on quite a bit. Also, loved this post!! <3

    1. I would love to have you next door. My live in taste testers are mostly gone, this could be a very symbiotic relationship. Start playing that lottery.

  9. Love it! Kids will make you say the stupidest things too. Don’t go close to the tv your eyes will cross. Don’t play with your tallywhacker it will fall off. You know the usual ones. (Rena)

  10. Thanks to Rena for sharing this one. I remember this dessert but clearly see I never read it or didn't comment. For shame. This was funny and oh so true. Good gosh the questions they ask when they are little are easy but the adult questions. Good land, the adult questions....why did she cry when I told her yes the dress made her ass look fat? LOL
    Spatulas On Parade

    1. The real question is why didn't she throw you out of the house while she was crying . . .

  11. Oh, a frozen cake. Just perfect for...wait, what? It's almost the Fourth of July? Alana ramblinwitham.blogspot.com

    1. Yes, can you believe it? Fourth of July is right around the corner.


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