The Nightmare Probability

  

 

 

I will not be sleeping in my bed tonight. Quite possibly never again. 

No, I'm not mad at Hubs. If so, we all know that he'd be the one not sleeping in the bed tonight.

 

Before I explain what happened last night, let me tell you of a previous experience I had, many years ago, back when Hubs and I had just moved into an apartment in Connecticut. 

 

Hubs was at work. I was unpacking boxes when I saw movement out of the corner of my eye. There, in the middle of the room was a spider. Now I don't like spiders in general, but this was a huge, grey, long legged, gargantuan spider, the size of which I'd never seen. I was terrified. There was no way I was touching that thing, I certainly wasn't going to try to squish something that huge {{gag}}, maybe I could put a plastic container over it, a paperweight on the container and let Hubs deal with it.

 

That was the plan.

 

I grabbed a container, and tried to convince myself to get anywhere near the monster. That's when it happened. It started to run, I threw the container at it and I started to run. I ended up standing on the arm of the couch. But where did it end up?

 

Three hours later, Hubs came home and there I was, standing on the arm of the couch, eyes the size of saucers, rotating and scanning the room like a human periscope.

 

Hubs checked that house, top to bottom, more than once. I stayed right where I was, micromanaging "pick up the couch, look under the rug." When he'd finally given up, he told me it had probably gotten out the sliding door.

 

Probably?

 

Probably?

 

I probably wouldn't end up living in the Midwest.

I probably wouldn't get pregnant in the early years of IVF.

I probably wouldn't have an FBI file.

I probably wouldn't have a kid light my car on fire.

I probably . . .

Not that I knew then all of the improbably probabilities I be living later on, but one thing I knew right then and there was that, in that particular moment, I wouldn't be doing "probably."

 

Hell-to-the-NO!

 

What I also knew is that I probably (more than probably) wouldn't, in the forseeable future, be in the laundry room, reaching into the washing machine. I wouldn't be in the kitchen reaching into cabinets. 

 

I'd be in the den. Standing on the couch. In perpetuity. Or at least for the life span of a gargantuan spider.

 

 

Garlic Ranch Orzo

 

Fast forward to last night. Or I should say this morning. It was actually about 5:30 am, I had been asleep when I suddenly heard fast galloping across my ceiling. Yes, it was that loud. I looked up and saw an enormous beetle, scurrying across the ceiling from the middle of the room, to over my bed. 

Terrified, I jumped out of bed and turned on the light. I was shaking, my heart beating a mile a minute. I looked up at the ceiling and saw nothing. Hubs, famous for sleeping through tornado sirens, was sleeping away.

 

 

 

I woke him up and we checked the ceiling again. Nothing. There's a vent there but it was closed, and honestly, this thing would have to lose about 20 pounds to fit in it anyway. We climbed up and checked behind the headboard. Nothing. We used flashlights to check under the bed. Nothing. 

Hubs was convinced I'd just heard something outside and scared myself awake, but it didn't matter, I was up. For the day. Maybe forever.

 

And face it, there's just no way I'm going back into that room, shut off the lights, and do anything other than picture an enormous beetle galloping its way towards my face. No, I'm going to have to turn my bedroom over to that thing.

 

Even though I've spent the better part of the day convincing myself that it had probably just been a nightmare.

Probably.

Garlic Ranch Orzo

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 1/4 cups chicken broth

1/2 cup ranch dressing

2 TBSP grated parmesan cheese

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp pepper

1 TBSP dried parsley 

2 TBSP butter

1 cup orzo

3 cloves garlic, minced

 

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease an 8 X 8 baking dish.

*Whisk together the chicken broth, ranch dressing, parmesan cheese, salt, pepper, and parsley in a large bowl. Set aside.

*In a skillet over medium heat, melt the butter. Once hot, add the orzo and garlic to the pan. Cook, stirring, for about 3 minutes, until the orzo starts to brown.

*Add the orzo to the bowl and mix. Pour into the prepared baking dish and cover tightly. Bake for 40 minutes. Uncover carefully, and stir.

Smart Like a Spider?

 

 

Outsmarted. By a spider.

 

Forget spidey sense, spidey sense may or may not be real, but spidey smarts is definitely a thing. A bad, scary, frustrating thing. 

 

But then I guess it is October, after all. 

Let me start by saying that the family who built this house did a few things I just don't understand. For instance, the master bathroom (which is upstairs) is large, and there's a window up over the bathtub. It's the only window in the bathroom and it doesn't open. The master bathroom also has no main door (there is a door to the separate room for the toilet within the bathroom). I put up curtains to at least block the light, but still, no door and no window that opens. In a bathroom. You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down here?

 

Same thing in the stairways, both up and down, there are windows there too. Letting in light is a good thing in my book, but they don't open. Now I do understand the one in the stairway to the basement not opening, it's just above ground level outside and could be an issue if someone wanted to break in. But the one upstairs would provide a lovely cross breeze on a spring or fall day.

 

We had a little bad luck, good luck situation a few years ago. 

 

We had hired a company to work on the siding on our house (thank you, woodpeckers). I was in the kitchen trying out a new recipe when I heard the doorbell ring. 

 

 

Ginger Snap Cupcakes with Fireball Frosting

 

 

The man working on the house was there and he was upset. While working on the siding, he'd accidentally cracked our window. The one in the upstairs stairway. They'd replace it at no cost, of course. But I had another idea and had them source a window the same size that could slide open, and had a screen. For just $100 over what they would be paying, I could have what I wanted there. I'm in!

 

You may be thinking my back story seems to be longer than my actual point. You'd be right, but stick with me, I'm finally getting there.

 

I had loved, I can't tell you how much I had loved, having a window in that stairway that opens. Had. Until the battle of wits began.

 

 

I went to open that window one beautiful fall day when I saw that a spider had gotten in between the screen and the glass and was building a web. Hubs got the spider out and puttied where he thought it may have come in. 

 

A few days later, I went to open the window and a spider had gotten inside. Hubs got it out and puttied some more. Spider, putty, spider, putty . . . my husband puttied the living daylights out of that window, but the cunning spider prevailed.

 

How can this be? How smart are spiders anyway? I mean, they're small insects, there's barely any room in there for a brain, right?

 

 

IDK, but Google did, and here's everything you (never) needed to know about spiders. They're smart. In fact, the smaller the spider, the bigger the brain. Tiny spiders' brains are so big that their organs can be forced down into their bodies. I'd be fascinated if I wasn't so busy cringing, and shuddering, and gagging, and probably gathering fodder for some major league nightmares.

 

Just to prove their intelligence as compared to at least some of our species, Google had a few suggestions for me of popular spider questions frequently asked. The first one: Do spiders fart? Asked, I assume, but some deep thinkers? Taking time out of their busy day doing brain surgery to gather important spider information?

 

Bet the spiders aren't wasting their time wondering about our digestion.

My initial query did go on to let me know that there are recent studies that have found that spiders do actually display cognition. Perhaps those lucky researchers are the people who needed to know about spiders' gaseous releases? 

 

Whatever the situation, it has become apparent, both through my research and my unfortunate real-life experiences, that spiders are capable of plotting window stealing strategy (and farting too, btw).

 

So at least I can tell Hubs that he's being outsmarted by a smart opponent. I bet that spider would even stick his tongue out at Hubs. If he had a tongue, that is.

Meanwhile, though the war of wits may go on, for right now the spider owns that window. And I, once again, have a window in the stairway that doesn't open.

Clearly Muhammad Ali didn't finish his thought. I can do that for him: float like a butterfly, sting like a bee . . . smart like a spider.

 

Ginger Snap Cupcakes with Fireball Frosting

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients (makes 18 large or 24 average sized cupcakes):
10 ginger snap cookies

3 TBSP cinnamon baking chips

1 box yellow cake mix

1 tsp pumpkin pie spice

1 cup milk 

1/3 cup orange juice

1/2 cup oil

1/4 cup sour cream

4 eggs

 

1 stick butter, softened

1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice

3 - 4 TBSP Fireball Whiskey

2 1/2 cups powdered sugar

 

NOTE: to make the frosting alcohol free, substitute milk for the Fireball Whiskey and add another 1/2 tsp of pumpkin pie spice

 

Directions: 

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place 18 (or 24) paper cupcake baking cups into the wells of cupcake pans.

*In a food processor, crush the cookies and the baking chips to crumbs.

*Beat the cake mix, 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice, milk, orange juice, sour cream, eggs, and 1/2 cup of the crushed cookies for 2 minutes. Set the rest of the crushed cookies aside for garnish.

*Divide the batter evenly into the 18 baking cups. Bake for about 20 minutes (start checking at about 18 minutes if you're making 24 smaller cupcakes), until the center of the cupcakes spring back to the touch. Cool completely.

*Cream the butter with the remaining 1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice and 3 TBSP Fireball. Carefully beat in the powdered sugar. If needed, add more Fireball 1 tsp at a time until the frosting is of spreadable consistency.

*Spread or pipe the frosting onto the cupcakes. Sprinkle with the remaining crushed cookie crumbs.

The March of the Spiders

Question:  What scares you?  
My answer: My kids, on a daily basis, but I bet you saw that coming!

My Freddy and, well, Jason!

What else? Spiders. 

I’m more scared of them than bees.  I think that’s because I can hear bees.  I know to get out of their way before it comes down to feeling them on me.  Spiders on the other hand, sneaky little buggers aren’t they?  I think that’s why so many of my Halloween decorations are spider oriented.  I can’t very well get away with putting likenesses of my kids all over the house to scare people, so spiders it is.  

 Like these, heading up the stairs:

 Now this can’t be good!

Gives me the chills just looking at the picture.  If I ever really had that many spiders in my house I think the only logical recourse would be to sell the house.

So a favorite cookie from last season is the spider, of course.  My husband rips the legs off and eats the rest.  A fitting fate for a spider in my house (yuck, with that picture in mind I probably won’t sleep tonight, but then what is Halloween for anyway?) This cookie is a favorite of my kids, especially my younger son.  And I really don’t have anything to worry about.  My “Living La Vida Loca” singing skeleton is keeping an (evil) eye on them.

Spider Cookies

Spider Cookies

                                                                 ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1 stick butter, softened

1 stick margarine, softened

1 ½ cups brown sugar.

2 eggs

1 ¼ cups peanut butter

1 tsp vanilla

2 ½ cups flour

¼ cup cornstarch

¾ tsp baking soda

½ tsp baking powder

Mini M&Ms

Rolos, unwrapped

Twizzler peel and eat, cut in thirds and peeled (it'll make 27 "legs" per strand)

Directions:

*NOTE: you can always make the cookies from a store-bought pouch if you’re in a rush.

*Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

*Cream the butter, margarine, brown sugar, eggs, peanut butter and vanilla.

*Mix in the flour, cornstarch, baking soda and baking powder.

*Roll the dough into balls and place on a greased baking sheet. Press down slightly with the heel of your hand.

* Bake for about 12 minutes.

*When they come out of the oven, immediately put a rolo in the center of each cookie. Wait 2 minutes before taking them off of the cookie sheet.

*As soon as the rolo starts to melt, attach the M&Ms to the front of the rolo to look like eyes.

*I know spiders have 8 legs. I use 6 legs per cookie for this recipe, it seems to fit best and still looks like spiders.

*Here's the tricky part: You need to stick the twizzler pieces into the rolo as it’s starting to cool. If you put them in too soon and the rolo is too hot, they’ll slip out.  If you let the rolo harden too much, they won’t go in.  The right time will be approx. 5 mins after they come out of the oven. You’ll need to keep trying with just one twizzler until the rolo is at the right consistency.