Pure Heart: Funny Friday

Today’s post is this month’s Funny Friday, a regular feature published on the last Friday of every month. Funny Friday is a collaborative project. Each month one of the participants submits a picture, then we all write 5 captions or thoughts inspired by that month’s picture. Links to the other bloggers’ posts are below, click on them and see what they’ve come up with. I hope we bring a smile to your face as you start your weekend.

Here's today's picture. It was submitted by Dawn of Spatulas on Parade.

1. Baby Bear: Why can't I have the same size cup as you, daddy?
Daddy Bear: You do, that big cup is mama's. Lesson learned, next time you and I will do the shopping.

2. Mom (angrily, coming into the kitchen and seeing all of the cups and glasses on the counter): You know we have a sink. And a dishwasher. Do we have to leave every dirty glass on the counter?
Son: Before I say anything, I need to know one thing: is that a rhetorical question, or do you really want me to answer it?

3. Son: Everything's gone, there's nothing to drink.
Mom: That works, since you didn't leave any clean cups to drink from.
Son: Really Mom, have you met me? A cup doesn't have to be clean . . .

4. Hubs: What's for dinner?
Wife: Nothing.
Hubs: Nothing?
Wife: Since you guys left me no clean counter space to work with, I assumed you didn't want dinner.
Hubs (calling to son): I think maybe we should have cleaned up the dirty dishes . . .

5. Mom (walking into the kitchen): What happened last night after I went to bed? You made a mess of my house.
Teenager: You know what they say about a messy house . . .
Mom: No, what?
Teenager: A messy house is a sign of a great party.
Mom: You know what else they say? Have clean hands and a pure heart. Well honey, you're about to have the cleanest hands in the neighborhood.


And now for something yummy: 

Whipped Peanut Butter Brownie Cups

Click on the links below and let some other bloggers make you smile: 
Spatulas on Parade
Follow Me Home 
Southern Belle Charm 

Whipped Peanut Butter Brownie Cups

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
6 oz cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 cup chunky peanut butter
1 TBSP milk

9 TBSP butter
3 oz unsweetened chocolate
3/4 tsp vanilla
1 1/3 cups sugar
3 eggs
3/4 cup flour

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place paper cupcake cups in 12 cupcake tin wells.
*Beat the cream cheese, powdered sugar, peanut butter and milk. Place about 1/4 - 1/3 cup of this mixture into a baggie for piping onto the top when the Whipped Peanut Butter Brownie Cups have cooled.
*Melt together the butter and unsweetened chocolate in microwave until smooth when whisked. Whisk in the vanilla and sugar. Once fully mixed, whisk in the eggs and finally mix in the flour.
*Fill the cupcake papers until 2/3 full, dollop each with the peanut butter mixture (not what's in the baggie), press down gently, then top with the remaining brownie batter.
*Bake for 22 - 25 minutes or until the center is set. Cool completely.
*Once they are cool, pipe the remaining peanut butter mixture onto the tops of the brownie cups.

Past Due: Chapter One, Five Days

I'm featuring today the first chapter in a piece of fiction. Not just any piece of fiction, but a collaborative one. And not just any collaborative story, but the 9th in a series of Progressive Story Projects I've been gifted with over the years.

The magic of this type of story is that it comes from the imaginations of many. If you haven't read one in the past, I'll list links to them all below, but let me tell you how this works. I start a story, then pass it on to another writer who adds to it, it then goes on to another author and then another. The challenge for each of us is to add to the story without controlling it. In the end, these bloggers, all with their varied imaginations and writing styles, put together one cohesive story. And, as I said, it's a gift as I get to present it. 

Previous Progressive Story Projects:
A Holiday Story
Storm Past 
A Holiday Story, The Sequel
Sincerely Sarah
Take Aim
Skin Deep
Mystery at the Castle
Her Time

Today I'm honored to present chapter one of our newest story, Past Due. As always, before each section, over to the far right I've listed the author of that piece of the story and a link to their blog. I highly recommend checking out these blogs and seeing what my very talented friends have to share there. 

Past Due
Chapter One: Five Days

Karen of Baking In A Tornado

There were still only five. It's not that big a number, no way to lose track, count and count again, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, it wasn't going to change anything. There were only five left.

Sarah of Medicated Musings

I looked around, trying to figure out what to do. I only had five days left. I wanted to make the most of it, spend time with my loved ones, do things I didn't typically have the guts to do.

Make cherished memories.

I didn't know what would happen on the 6th day. The note didn't say. It was simple and to the point.

"Emily, you have five days left."

It put me on edge, unsure of what to expect. Was I going to die? Was someone going to kidnap me? Was the world going to end?

Would I ever find out?

Five days wasn't a lot of time for one to live their best life, but damn it, I was determined to live mine.

Dawn of Spatulas on Parade 

Five days, why only five? She had lost the love of her life, or so she thought he was, five years ago and during that time she had battled and won the fight with breast cancer. So why now? Why didn't she die during that time? This made her angry, the longer she dwelled on it, the angrier she got.

Liz reached over and touched her hand. "Em, what's going on with you? You are not yourself today."

Emily looked at her longest and dearest friend, putt on her smile and said "oh nothing, just going over the past." She took a deep breath and said "Hypothetically, if you knew you only had 5 days to live, what would you do?"

Liz jumped out of her chair and said "WHAT?" and quickly sat down realizing she was causing a scene here at the Java Joint. Leaning over she quietly said, "Oh my gosh Emily! When? Why didn't you tell me the cancer was back?"

Emily laughed, "Oh no, no, no, no." Shaking her head, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking. It's not back, I'm fine, I mean, I think, well, yeah . . ." and she started to cry.

Liz, looking relieved but still concerned, looked at her, deep into her eyes and said "Come on Em, this is me. We've known each other for how long? High school, college, marriages, divorces, kids, cancer and the death of parents. Tell me what is going on."

Reaching into her pocket, Emily pulled out the paper. She handed it to Liz who read it and then began to laugh.

"Oh my dear sweet dramatic Em! Don't you know a kid prank when you read one? I mean, really. Who would send you something like this and why? Everyone loves you. You know it's some dumb kid pulling a prank."

Just then Steve walked up, kissed Emily on the forehead and said, "Hey what's this?" as he reached for the paper. She tried to move it but he was already reading it. Shaking his head he said, "You know several people at work got this same stupid piece of paper. I'm guessing prank time at the high school. Remember those days?" as he sat down.

Kimberly of When I Grow Up

"Really?" Emily looked up at her brother, relieved.

"Yeah," he said. "Someone is messing with you."

"Anybody I know?" she asked.

"Well, let's see . . . you know Eddie, he lived down the street when we were kids, And Sue; wasn't she your best friend at one point? I think Josh Miller got one, but you didn't know him. Oh, and the other one who mentioned it was Betty James. She was pretty shaken up, but she's not from around here either. So, to answer your question, you know two of them."

Emily didn't say anything. Steve didn't know. She had actually dated Josh one summer when she was home from college. He lived a couple of towns over and she knew her family wouldn't approve, so she hadn't told any of them, not even Steve, who knew her better than anyone else, even better than her ex. It was just a summer fling; she and Josh broke up before the fall semester began and she hadn't heard from him since.

The name Betty James sounded familiar as well, though she couldn't quite figure out why. Emily noticed that Liz was looking at her quizzically and that she had to snap out of it.

"I guess I've been reading too much SciFi lately. Let's get out of here. Who's up for a trip to the park? There should be some great people watching on a beautiful day like today!"

Rena of Wandering Web Designer and The Blogging 911

Emily stretched out on the blanket as she watched all of the other people who were soaking up this beautiful day. She had scolded herself all the way for letting something so stupid get to her so badly. Kids! Pranks! She had to laugh at herself, "Em you are much too gullible," she scolded herself.

She watched a little boy play with his dog, laughing every time the collie chased after the frisbee. Each time he would bring it back to the boy and drop it at his feet. Then there was the cute daddy pushing his little girl on the swing, back and forth, up and down. It was relaxing, almost hypnotic, following the little girl's path with each push.

She loved this little town. She had spent her whole life here and now that she was outside she could see that the note was just silly. I can't believe I wasted a moment being upset about something so dumb. She watched a woman in a beautiful pink dress get out of her car and start walking across the park.

She walked straight up to Emily and stood over her, blocking out the sun. Emily shaded her eyes and looked up at the strange lady who seemed to know exactly who she was. "Emily! I'm so glad I found you. I'm Betty James."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Read on to chapter two, Jester's Canyon ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

And before you go, here's today's recipe:

Strawberry Dalgona Cocktail

Strawberry Dalgona Cocktail        

                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients (makes 2):
1 cup Baileys Strawberries and Cream liqueur
1/2 cup White Chocolate liqueur
1/2 cup milk
1/4 cup instant coffee crystals
1/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup boiling water

fresh strawberries

Directions:
*Pour 1/2 cup Strawberries and Cream liqueur, 1/4 cup White Chocolate liqueur, and 1/4 cup milk into each of two glasses. Refrigerate for at least an hour.
*Whip the instant coffee crystals, sugar and boiling water until it's light brown and creamy and stiff peaks hold (similar to how you'd make whipped cream).
*Remove the glasses from the refrigerator, add ice if desired, and top with the whipped coffee.
*Serve with fresh strawberries.

SOS. Or Not: Fly on the Wall

Welcome to a monthly Fly on the Wall group post. Today 4 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my house. At the end of my post you’ll find links to this month’s other participants’ posts.

PurDude had called and I love hearing from him about what's been going on both at work and, before the virus hit, on the ski slopes. It's always so hard to hang up at the end of a conversation.

I've mentioned a time or two before that we're complete opposites when it comes to communication. He's a man of few words, texts and PMs usually limited to two or three. I, on the other hand, am that person who makes a short story long.

As we were hanging up, PurDude mentioned that he thought there was something else he wanted to say but couldn't remember what.

Me: Well, you know you can always PM or text me when you remember.
PurDude: Yeah.
Me: It doesn't take more than a minute for you to send me a text.
PurDude: Yeah. 
Me: So here's how it'll go, you'll send me your normal 3 word text. I'll respond with my normal 7 paragraph answer, you'll acknowledge with another 2 to 3 words and I'll respond with another 7 paragraphs.

Made him laugh. And that's exactly how I want a conversation with him to end.

 

I'm so glad that PurDude had some really fun times before social distancing became necessary. He's a great kid, but he can be very stubborn. He had friends coming out to visit, one for 5 days, then a couple of days later 2 more friends were coming in for 5 days. I talked to him on 3 different occasions about having a little food in the house when his friends came. He doesn't have to serve them meals (he couldn't, he doesn't cook . . . at all) just a few snacks for at night and some orange juice, English muffins, butter and peanut butter from the morning. His friends were flying in from far away and I wanted him to be a good host.

The day before the first visit I was talking to him on the phone and I was frustrated because he hadn't listened to me at all, hadn't bought anything for his guests. As we were hanging up:

Me: Love you.
PurDude: Love you more.
Me: Well I love you more . . . than a toothache.

Hubs' first day of working from home was also the day that Passover would start at dinner. College Boy and I were making an effort to be quiet as much as possible as he was working in the office and taking client calls.

At one point in the afternoon I could hear him finish a call and I had just set the table for the Passover Seder.

Me: I think I'm going to open this wine now.

Hubs comes in from the other room and grabs a glass.

Me: You can't have any, you're at work.
Hubs (laughing): I can take a break and take a sip.
Me: No, no drinking on the job. And if you're lucky, I won't finish the bottle before you start your commute home.

I happen to have very good hearing, so I heard him mumbling under his breath as he walked away. Something about there being more bottles of wine where that came from.

The boys grew up basically grabbing whatever I had baked while I was moving it from the oven to the counter to cool. But some desserts really need to cool first, especially those that need to set before cutting, like my Strawberries and Cream Bars. 

Strawberries and Cream Bars 

I had taken them from the oven and they were on the counter coming down to room temperature before I could refrigerate to cool completely before cutting. Which was the point at which College Boy stopped by.

College Boy: I'm starving and those smell great, I'll try them for you.
Me: No, not yet. They have cream cheese in the center layer, they need to cool before I cut them.
College Boy: I think you just hate me.
Me: It's definitely a possibility.

Hubs and PurDude are both considered essential, so they can go into the office. PurDude is working remotely and has been for a while. Hubs only has 10 to 15 people in his office, so, last month, they continued to work at the office but is not any more. The next group of snippets is from the time when he was still going into the office:

He had gone to work and I was just waking up and heading down to the kitchen. I had a bunch of things I needed to take down and if you're anything like me, you're determined to take it all down in one trip.

I had, in my right arm, my laptop and I was balancing my cell phone on top of it. So the phone didn't fall off, I held it up against my chest. As I headed down the stairs, I thought I heard something and realized that there was a voice coming from . . . well . . . my chest.

Which is how I found myself in the position of having to explain to my husband that I wasn't calling him, I had actually boob dialed him.

I've talked a lot before about Hubs being unable to do an errand without calling me 6 times. I've also mentioned a time or two that as technically challenged as I am, he's double. Since he was going to the office anyway, he would be the one to go to the store when we needed essentials.

So it should surprise no one that when he was doing an errand on the way home from work, he called. This time from his car, before he even got in the store.

I answered his question, we hung up and my phone immediately rang again. His number again {{sigh}}.

Me: Hello.
Hubs: Hello.
Me: What's up?
Hubs: Nothing. Did you call me or did I call you?
Me: You called me.
Hubs: Hmm. OK. Never mind.

 

He made it home and brought in what he had bought.

Me: How was your day?
Hubs: Good. I got lucky.
Me: Don't tell me that right now, I don't think the divorce lawyers are available for consultation these days.
Hubs: I meant that I found toilet paper.

 

I've also spoken before (sadly, many times) about Hubs and electronics. He's so bad at using his cell phone that even I know more than he does.

Just before he stopped working, I was sitting at home at about 5:00 pm when I got, in rapid succession, 3 texts from him.

The first was a picture:

Looks like an elevator. And it looks like the picture was taken from the floor?

Then came:

SOS? With his location? I started to panic.

Immediately followed by this one:

He needs help. Police? Ambulance? My heart beating out of my chest, I called his cell phone hoping he'd be able to answer.

Hubs: Hello.
Me: You answered. Are you OK? What's wrong?
Hubs: What do you mean? Nothing's wrong, I'm fine. Why?

OMG, seriously. There should be licensing for owning a cell phone. And that man should be barred for life. 

Twice a week Hubs would work late and I'd leave him a plate of leftovers from earlier in the week for dinner. He'd come in the house, put his plate in the microwave for a minute or so, go up to change his clothes, then come back down to see how much longer he had to microwave his dinner for.

One night, what turned out to be the last week he worked, I'm in the den when he comes down from changing and his dinner is cooking in the microwave.

Hubs: Why did you put my dinner in for 15 minutes?
Me: Me? I'm sitting here minding my own business.
Hubs: Well I wouldn't put it in there for 15 minutes.
Me: But I would?

Hubs and I are quite the pair.

Also when he was still working, I would set up the coffee maker in the morning to go off when he gets out of the shower. He took coffee in his travel mug, and I'd drink the other few cups when I got up. Well, that's how it usually worked. That's how it was supposed to work.

Hubs comes home from work:

Me: We both screwed up with the coffee this morning.
Hubs: I kept trying to get it to work, shut it off, turned it on, checked to be sure there was coffee in there.
Me: I screwed up, there was coffee, I forgot to add the water.
Hubs: I didn't think to look for the water.
Me: But you screwed up too, you left it on and the carafe sat empty on that hot plate for an hour until I got up.
Hubs: Oh, I didn't mean to leave it on.
Me: Yeah, I didn't mean to leave out the water.

Q: How many Blessings does it take to make coffee?
A: Apparently more than two.

Now click on the links below for a peek into some other homes:

Never Ever Give Up Hope  
Menopausal Mother 
Spatulas on Parade 
Go Mama O. 

Strawberries and Cream Bars

                                                         ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
1 stick butter, room temperature
1 stick margarine, room temperature
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 tsp strawberry extract
2 TBSP Bailey's Strawberries and Cream
OPT: 2 drops red food coloring
1 tsp baking powder
2 3/4 cups flour

2 (8oz) packages of cream cheese, room temperature
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 TBSP powdered sugar
2 eggs
2 TBSP Bailey's Strawberries and Cream
1/2 cup chopped strawberries

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 325 degrees. Grease a 9 X 13 pan.
*Cream together the butter, margarine, sugar and 1/2 cup brown sugar. Beat in 1 egg, the strawberry extract, 2 TBSP Bailey's Strawberries and Cream and food coloring (if using). Stir in the baking powder and flour.
*Pat about 2/3 of this dough into the bottom of the baking pan. Bake for 10 minutes. Allow to cool.
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
*Beat the cream cheese, the remaining brown sugar and the powdered sugar. Beat in the remaining eggs, the remaining liqueur, then mix in the chopped strawberries.
*Pour over the bottom cookie layer and spread out evenly. Roll the remaining dough into balls, flatten between your palms and place onto the cream cheese layer.
*Bake for about 35 minutes or until the center is set.
*Cool to room temperature, then refrigerate to cool completely before slicing. Store in the refrigerator and bring just to room temperature to serve.