Fingernail Fright: Fly on the Wall

 

Welcome to our monthly Fly on the Wall, a blog post written in snippets. Marcia, Diane, and I invite you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes, at our writing desks, and in our worlds. Come on in, buzz around, see what we've been up to. Bet you laugh! 

I buy a bag or two of candy each week leading up to Halloween. I dump it into a big bowl that I store on the top shelf of one of my kitchen cabinets. This is a habit I got into when the kids were little and I felt the need to hide the bowl so I'd have something to give out on the night of the 31st.

Because I can't reach the bowl, when I'm putting the groceries away, Hubs, who's over a foot taller than me, pulls the bowl down for me. I add the candy packets, and he puts it back up on the shelf. He doesn't have a sweet tooth, so there's nothing to worry about with him.

But, as everyone knows, I do. So one Sunday afternoon, I pulled one of our counter stools over to the other side of the counter. I was standing precariously on the swivel stool, with that big candy bowl in my hands, when Hubs walked in.

And let me tell you, there is just no rational way to explain this away. Believe me, I tried.

Caught. With my hand in the proverbial cookie candy jar.

We'd been having trouble with our fridge ice maker, we couldn't get cubes or shaved ice to come out. Hubs and I decided to pull the ice bucket out of the freezer to see if it needed to be cleaned out. We could not remove it. It seemed like it was frozen in there.

For 2 days we used a kabob skewer down into the bucket and a knife up around the edges to try to get it out. Finally, after the second day, Hubs was able to release one side. Just one side. Great, so now we had one side sticking out and the other still stuck.

Which was the point at which Hubs kinda gave up.

But I was not going to be beat by a bucket. So, day after day, using the skewer and the knife, I tried to chip away at the ice as best I could. And eventually, I actually got it out.

Me: Good thing I'm tenacious.

Hubs: You're like a dog with a bone.

Me (not liking being referred to as a dog): I'm tenacious.

Hubs: I know, when you decide to do something, you are dogged.

Me (teeth clenched): Tenacious.

Later on, heading towards dinner time, Hubs came into the den. I was laying on the couch watching TV.

Hubs: What's for dinner.

Me: Nothing.

Hubs: Nothing?

Me: I think we're just going to let this sleeping dog lie.

Listen, he made his bed . . .

The temperature this month had been big jumps up and down. It was still hot summer weather, then it got cool, then it got hot again and stayed that way until just a few days ago, when it started cooling off again.

Hubs was in the den, and I was walking towards him when I stopped and did a double take. 

Me: I think Mother Nature has lost her damn fool mind.

Hubs: What do you mean?
Me: Come here and look at this, in the neighbor's yard:

Directly to the left of a shrub whose leaves had turned gold for the fall, was a lilac, blooming again like in the spring.

Poor trees, a lot like us humans, have no idea what season it's going to be from one day to the next.

I'm pretty good at math. Algebra was actually one of my best subjects.

So, it's not what I expected, to ask you all to help me understand this. Is there such a thing as weather math? Equations that only apply to weather?

Looking at the forecast for tomorrow, I see that they say there is a 50% chance of rain. Wondering if that's going to happen right when I plan to use the grill, I go through the hour-by-hour forecast, and just as I'd figured, the only chance of rain all day is at 5:00pm.

But here's the confusing part: the chance of rain at 5:00 is 35%. Is it just me, or does that not compute? If the only chance of rain is a 35% chance at 5:00, how can there be a 50% chance of rain tomorrow?

I was watching a recipe video on FB, and I have all kinds of questions.

Like, what do you keep in your kitchen drawers?

And do you groom while cooking?

The woman was making a recipe, and while the ingredients were in the waffle maker, she opened the kitchen drawer just below her counter, pulled out a hairbrush, and started brushing her hair. At one point, she put the hairbrush down on the counter to check whether the food was cooked.

I mean, did she somehow confuse her kitchen for her bathroom? Does she regularly have hairbrush emergencies requiring her to keep one in her utensil drawer? Someone explain this to me.

Oh, and btw, in case you were wondering, no hairbrushes were anywhere near my kitchen during the baking of this cake.

Cinnamon Pumpkin Cake with Spiced Cream Cheese Frosting

It's October. I don't go all out with decorations and spooky foods and Halloween inspired blog posts like I did when the kids were little. But I did want to add a few scary stories to today's Fly on the Wall.

And I gotta tell you, there's nothing scarier than thinking you're losing your mind.

Case in point:

I was mixing up a chicken pasta salad for dinner. Among the vegetables I was including, were snap peas. I'd just come home with a bag of them from the store. So I added them, grabbed a twist tie from the kitchen drawer to secure the bag, mixed up the salad and placed it in the fridge to marinate.

It's a really good thing I needed a plastic sandwich bag a few hours later. They were in the same drawer as the twist ties.

And there they were. Nestled on top of the basket of twist ties.

My bag of snap peas.

Boo! 

And boo hoo.

 

And then there were the gremlins. Showing up a week early, but making their presence known:

I was using all of my electronics a few weeks ago when, all of a sudden Google stopped working. I could not access my email, Google docs, Blogger, and even couldn't {{gasp}} google anything. It was the same on my laptop, my cell phone, and my iPad. This is a big problem.

Hubs was having no trouble at all. He even googled google, asking if it was having issues. AI told him "no, we're good."

I was feeling targeted.

I deleted my history and cache, then spent a year re-signing into everything. I turned all electronics off, then on again. Nothing worked.

I went into every nook and cranny of my Google account to see if there was a security issue with the account. Nothing.

I frantically tried to figure out work-arounds: Bing for "googling" questions, then I somehow get email semi-working, but only on my iPad. Blogger would work, as long as I had about 10 minutes for each page to open. No idea what to do about my Google docs, which is where I house all of my printable recipes.

I spent 3 hours on this. Three hours!

PurDude texted me to turn my VPN off to see if that made a difference. I couldn't imagine this was a VPN issue, I've had this VPN on for years. But yes, turned the VPN off and got into my email. I could even ask Google a question. Like WTF?

But once I put the VPN back on, I lost all access again. I have to use a VPN, because without one we get hacked. We'd already been dropped by our original internet provider, we can't lose this one too.

Then, after dinner, I was showing College Boy what happens when I try to retrieve my email and, abra cadabra, there it was. All of it. Email, Google search engine, Google docs, and Blogger, all working like nothing ever happened.

You'd think I'd be thrilled, and I was happy but . . . did I mention I spent all afternoon on this. Three hours of my life I'll never get back.

And just to make matters worse, sage advice from Hubs:

Hubs: From now on, just don't do anything you wouldn't normally do.

Me: OMFG, I didn't.

Hubs: It's always you.

Me (pouring a gallon of wine into a giant mug): Yeah, it is.

Hubs: I think you have gremlins running around in your electronics. Your mission is to keep from upsetting them.

If only I knew how . . .

In the scheme of things, fingernails aren't really the stuff of which nightmares are made. Ghosts, witches, chainsaw wielding Leatherface, clowns hiding in sewers, vampires, there are a wholdelot of fright inducing images. But fingernails? Not so much Unless . . .

I went into my bathroom, and next to my sink was a broken off fingernail. I don't cut my nails, I file them, so I was surprised to see it. Hubs cuts his nails, but his sink is over on the other side of the vanity. And this was clearly a woman's sized nail. I must have broken it off somehow and not noticed.

I looked down at my fingers. Every one of them had a nail, not only were none broken off, but the ends were all still filed.

So yeah, fingernails aren't really scary. Unless you don't know whose are ending up next to your sink.

Seeking Vampires:

We were watching TV and a commercial came on looking for people to give plasma. They are offering up to $700 your first month.

Me: You should do that.

Hubs: Yeah, they'll probably tell me that my plasma's too old, offer me $1.98.

Me: Yeah, what we need to do is find a coven of vampires, bet they could do better than $1.98.

Hubs: Could be, but I don't think I'd like their method for plasma retrieval.

He has a point. 

You know what's really scary? Growing up learning about the Holocaust, hearing "never again," saying "never again," believing never again.

And then living deja vu through the trump and his immoral money grabbing sycophants. Watching the bigotry, the moral depravity, the bat shit crazies dismantling everything we stand for, we believe in, even getting away with breaking laws to do it. Losing, collectively, all of our humanity, our reputation, our health, environment, education, history . . . all under attack. And knowing, that he will declare martial law and take away one of the few things we have left, the right to vote.

If there is still any slim amount of hope left at all, it is going to take all of us. Not just nationally, but globally.

Because never again is now. And it is terrifying.

 

Now click on the links below and see what my friends have to share:

Menopausal Mother 

On the Border

Cinnamon Pumpkin Cake with Spiced Cream Cheese Frosting

                                                                       ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

box of yellow cake mix

1 (15 oz) canned pumpkin

1/2 cup pumpkin spice creamer

1/3 cup oil

4 eggs

1 tsp pumpkin pie spice mix

1/4 tsp ginger

1/2 tsp cinnamon 

1/8 tsp nutmeg

1/8 tsp ground cloves

1/2 cup cinnamon baking chips dusted with flour

4 oz cream cheese, softened

1 can cream cheese frosting

1/2 tsp cinnamon

2 TBSP pumpkin spice creamer

2 TBSP powdered sugar

1 drop of red and one drop of yellow food coloring

Directions:
*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 9 X 13 baking pan.

*Beat the cake mix, 1/2 cup of the pumpkin spice creamer, oil, eggs, pumpkin pie spice, ginger, 1/2 tsp of the cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves for 2 minutes.

*Mix in the flour dusted cinnamon baking chips and pour evenly into the prepared pan. Bake for 28 - 34 minutes, until the center springs back to the touch. Cool completely.

*Beat the cream cheese, cream cheese frosting, remaining cinnamon, remaining pumpkin spice creamer and the powdered sugar. 

*Put 1/2 cup of the frosting into a bowl and add the food colorings. Frost the top of the cake with the white frosting. Pipe the orange frosting onto the top as decoration.

Pro Pumpkin Pride

 

Pumpkin shaming. 

It's a thing. And you know it.

Fall is the only season I can think of, when it comes to food, and pumpkin the only tasty target, in which bigotry is widely accepted. Not only accepted, but prevalent everywhere, embraced by many as indisputable.

I'm here to represent. Show support. Solidarity. Not that I am one, a pumpkin, but you don't need to be a member of a group, any group {{hint, hint}}, to stand against blatant, widespread bigotry.

And really, it affects me, this constant attack starting as early as August (no judgement, but even I admit that timing is a bit rushed), but running rampant in October. Affected because I do post a few pumpkin recipes in this Halloween month. And I hope that rather than be discriminated against due to the color of their ingredients, that they will instead be judged simply by what they have to offer society. And your holiday menu. It's only fair.

Even if this gourd chooses to identify as a fruit, it is not our place to criticize.

And if these lovely cookies are brave enough to identify, loud and proud, as pumpkin, then who are we to shame them without even giving them a chance I say support them, embrace them. Foster and environment of inclusion when it comes to your holiday baking schedule. Proudly share then with your friends and neighbors. Be a voice of reason.

Cinnamon Pumpkin Rugelach

 

After all, they make the ultimate sacrifice. We carve them up like a turkey, light them on fire from the insides, roast them, mash them, and turn them into delicious side dishes and desserts for our holiday festivity pleasure.

The least we can do is show some respect. Stop the public shaming, the prejudice, and the discrimination. 

It's Fall, and it's holiday season, ride the tide, embrace the taste, join team Pro Pumpkin Pride.

Cinnamon Pumpkin Rugelach         

                                                                                      ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:
6 TBSP butter, softened

1/4 cup speculoos cookie butter

4 oz cream cheese, softened

1 cup flour

powdered sugar for rolling

1/2 cup pumpkin puree

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp pumpkin pie spice

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup pepitas

Directions:
*Cream together the butter, speculoos, and cream cheese until smooth. Carefully beat in or stir in the flour until incorporated. Form the dough into two equal sized balls, enclose separately in plastic wrap, flatten, and refrigerate for at least an hour.

*Press the pumpkin puree between paper towels to release as much as the moisture as you can, leaving you with a firmer pumpkin pulp.

*Mix together the pumpkin puree, cinnamon, pumpkin pie spice, and brown sugar. Set aside.

*Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper, sprinkle a rolling surface with powdered sugar.

*NOTE: it's easiest to place plastic wrap over the dough for rolling. Roll each dough round, separately, into about 8 to 9 inch circles.
*Remove the plastic wrap from the top and spread about half of the filling onto each round to within about 1/2 inch of the edges. Sprinkle with the pepitas.
*Cut each dough round, like a pizza, into 12 long triangular shaped slices. Run a spatula under them to losen and start to separate them before, starting at the outside, rolling up to the tips to form 24 crescents. Place, point side down, on the baking sheet.

*Bake for 18 - 22 minutes, or until they start to brown. Allow to set for 3 minutes on the cookie sheet before removing to cool completely.

Orange is the New Eight: Use Your Words

 

Today’s post is a monthly writing challenge. If you’re new here, this is how it works: my friend Diane and I picked 4 – 6 words or short phrases to submit to each other to craft into a post. All words must be used at least once. Both posts will be unique as we each have our own set of words we're working with.

At the end of this post, you'll find the link to Diane's post, be sure to check it out, see what words I sent her and how she used them.

I'm using:  outline ~ omniprescent ~ orange ~ open ~ oops



                          

It's the middle of October, and I have to say, I think the Romans got it wrong. Because, although maybe the Romans never saw Halloween coming, there is now no doubt that is actually the month of orange. Omniprescent, ubiquitous orange.

But looking a little deeper into the meaning behind the naming of the months, it seems those Romans got it wrong for more reasons than just pumpkins and costumes. I mean, October is the 10th month, but its name comes from octo, the Roman word for the number 8.

Ummm . . . oops?

Actually, it seems October was originally the 8th month. 

Huh?

The calendar year was 10 months long, only 3o4 days, and started with Martius (March). The other 61 days, basically winter, they chose to ignore. And honestly, if you live anywhere but the south, you totally get that. Well, in the hoping that ignoring it will make it go away aspect.

Unfortunately, it didn't seem to have worked.

So, curious, I decided to take a look at all of the months, and how they were named.

First, once, I guess, they realized they couldn't wish winter away, the late editions:

January, after Janus, the god of beginnings, transitions, and endings.

February, after Februa, the festival of purification.

the original ten:

March, after Mars, the god of war.

April, from the word aprilis a reference to spring and the opening of flowers.

May, after Maiesta, the goddess of honor.

June, after Juno, the goddess of marriage, unions, birth, childcare . . . and finance, cows, and peacocks, although I don't really get the relationship . . .

July, after Julius Caesar. 

August, after the emperor Augustus.

and here's where they lost their inspiration, or maybe just got lazy:

September, from septem, the number seven.

October, from octo, the number eight.

November, from novem, the number nine.

December, from decem, the number ten.

As long as I'm advocating a name change for October, may as well admit, there are a few other months that could use a new identity. My outline for the calendar refresh:

January, I can live with the month of a new year being named after the god of beginnings, transitions, and endings.

Freezing, because it's too cold for a festival of purification.

Magical, instead of honoring the god of war, I say we honor leprechauns.

April, I'm totally on board with celebrating when flowers open.

May, can't argue with honoring honor.

June, nor can I argue with honoring a goddess of marriage, unions, child birth and child care.

Jubilee, forget Caesar, it's America's birthday.

Aurous, forget Augustus too, I say we name this month after the golden days of summer.

Sepia, instead of naming the 9th month after the number 7, let's go with celebrating the fall leaves. 

Orange, instead of naming the 10th month after the number 8, it's orange everything for the win.

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Bars

Nourish, instead of naming the 11th month after the number 9, I choose nourish in this month of family time and Thanksgiving. 

Deplete, instead of naming the 12th month after the number 10, let's just acknowledge the year end state of our wallets.

Oh, and while we're talking about months, let me just remind you about the day. Don't cross paths with a black cat, or walk under any ladders, it's Friday the 13th. 

Hmmm, Friday . . . the names of the days of the week, wonder if they need a little updating too . . .

 

Here's the link to Diane's Use Your Words posts:

On the Border

Pumpkin Cream Cheese Bars

                                               ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients:

1/4 cup cream cheese baking chips

1/4 cup Speculoos cookie butter

1 cup pumpkin puree

1 cup sugar

3/4 cups brown sugar

3 eggs

2 cups flour

1 tsp salt

1 tsp pumpkin pie spice blend 

4 oz cream cheese, softened

1 egg

1/4 cup sugar

3/4 tsp cinnamon

Directions:

*Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9 X 13 baking pan.

*Crush the baking chips in a food processor or a clean coffee grinder. Set aside.

*In a large bowl, warm the Speculoos in the microwave for about 10 seconds, just until it is loose enough to whisk. Whisk in the pumpkin puree, crushed baking chips, 1 cup of the sugar and brown sugar. Once incorporated, whisk in 3 eggs.

*Mix in the flour, salt, and pumpkin pie spice. Pour evenly into the prepared baking pan.

*Beat the softened cream cheese, the remaining egg, the remaining sugar and the cinnamon until fluffy. Pour onto the pumpkin batter.

*Bake for 30 to 35 minutes until cooked through. Cool completely before slicing.

No Knee to Stand On

 

 

 

I broke my ass.

And it's my knee's fault.

Sad thing is, it wasn't done yet. Not by a long shot.

It started with some discomfort in my left knee, sort of felt like I'd hyper-extended it. Then it felt weak, like it was going to give when I put all of my weight on it. So I started to baby it a bit.

Two days later, I got out of the shower, and when I lifted the other leg to put on my bloomers, I heard, and more terrifyingly, felt a pop. There I stood, in the bathroom, wet and naked, undies hanging off my hand, screaming.

Jury's still out as to whether no one having heard me is a good thing or a bad thing.

Downstairs, after admonishing Hubs for being 2 floors down when I needed him, at his insistence, I iced and elevated it, And tried valiantly to convince myself that all I needed was to be careful for a few days. Hobbling is sexy, right?

 

That afternoon I was working in the kitchen and forgot to hobble. Fell flat on the floor. And broke the aforementioned ass. Or at least it felt like it. Hubs, who was directly below the kitchen in the man cave heard me fall and came up to yell at me for not being careful.

 

Because yelling helps.

It was tough sleeping that night, Tylenol and Advil were my constant companions. The next day was actually a little better. I had to be careful of the knee, but I wasn't in constant pain.

 

That afternoon I successfully navigated standing in the kitchen and made dinner. I decided to take Thanksgiving flavors as inspiration, since who knows where I'll be by Thanksgiving. Probably in traction.

  

 

Cornbread Pumpkin Pork Roulade

 

 

It was after dinner, Hubs was back in the man cave and I was on the couch when the doorbell rang. My knee and my ass told me to stay put. But the second time it rang, I thought it might be important. Note to self: ignore your head, listen to your ass. 

 

I gingerly got off the couch and was run hobbling through the kitchen to the laundry room where I had a sweatshirt. Needed, since I couldn't answer the door sans bra (TMI, I know, but I have to explain the whole "run hobbling through the kitchen thing").

 

Anyway, my knee gave out (of course it did). I slammed to the floor smacking my hip and my chin.

 

 

 

 

In fact, I realized once I was finally vertical again, I smacked them so hard I could no longer feel any pain in my knee.

 

I may be onto something. Although I have to admit, agony as a viable medical strategy for knee pain management probably won't end up being a thing.

Now Hubs, up again from the man cave, has been having a little bit of trouble with his hearing. He doesn't admit it, but as a result he talks louder. So I'm sure his suggestion that I be committed was something he thought he'd said under his breath.

It wasn't.

College Boy's suggestion, spoken loud and proud, that he go out and get me some edibles, however, now that proposal had legs (see what I did there?).

Maybe it was time to call it a day. Go upstairs, get into bed and pull the covers up over my head.

Think I made it upstairs in one piece?

Ha, I did. Bet you didn't see that coming.

 

Although I do admit, once I got there, I had quite a few issues. 

Like, learning from this morning's bloomers debacle, I was going to have to take my pants off sitting down. Unfortunately, my ass was currently unavailable as a seating venue.

And then, since my front, side, and back were out of the running, seems the only way I might be able to sleep would be suspended from the ceiling.

All while praying that a meteor wouldn't be headed my way. I really don't have many body parts still in working order, I'd like the ceiling not to cave in on the ones I've still got.

Now I'm no doctor, don't even play one on TV, but just from personal experience, here's my advice: if you ever find yourself in a situation where you've pulled your knee, broken your ass, bruised your hip and banged your chin, here's what you should do:

Take 2 edibles and call me in the morning.

 

Oh, and whatever you do, don't sneeze. 

But that may be a story for another day.

 

Cornbread Pumpkin Pork Roulade        

                                                                                      ©www.BakingInATornado.com

Printable Recipe

Ingredients: 

2 - 2 1/2# pork tenderloin

2 TBSP butter

1/3 cup chopped onion

1 1/4 tsp salt, divided

3/4 tsp pepper, divided

8 oz cornbread stuffing mix

1/4 tsp dried thyme

1/4 tsp dried rosemary

2 TBSP chicken broth

1 cup pumpkin puree

1/4 cup dried cranberries

1/3 cup Russian salad dressing

1 can (14 oz) jellied cranberry sauce

Directions:
*NOTE: you can make the stuffing ahead, wrap tightly and refrigerate. Bring to room temperature when ready to prepare the dish.

*Trim and butterfly the tenderloin, then pound to about 1/2 inch thick. Sprinkle the pork with 1/4 tsp salt and 1/4 tsp pepper.

*Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray a 9 X 13 baking pan with nonstick spray.

*Melt the butter in a saute pan. Add the onion. Cook and stir until soft, about 3 minutes.

*Place the cornbread stuffing in a large bowl. Mix in the onion, 1/2 tsp salt, 1/4 tsp pepper, thyme, rosemary, and chicken broth. Last, mix in the pumpkin puree and dried cranberries.

*Spread the center of the pork with the stuffing, not going all the way out to the sides, then roll into a log, rolling with the long side.

*Secure with cooking twine (you can use toothpicks along the seam) and place, seam side down, into the pan.

*Any leftover stuffing can be wrapped in tin foil and baked in the oven when cooking the roulade.

*Whisk together the salad dressing and cranberry sauce. Remove 1 cup and set aside. Pour the rest of the sauce over the roulade. Sprinkle the top with the remaining salt and pepper.

*Bake, making sure that the internal temperature reaches 145 degrees, for about 45 minutes. Pour 1/2 cup of the reserved sauce over the top and move to a cutting board. Allow to rest for 5 minutes removing the twine or toothpicks before slicing. *Serve with the remaining 1/2 cup of sauce.